she looked up at me with sad glossy eyes, telling me everything I needed to know: she wasn't okay, and she was ready to admit it. I smiled sadly at her fragile stature, wrapping my arms around her, pulling her close to me as she buried herself into me as much as she could, wanting nothing more than to escape whatever it was that was tormenting her inside. I went to move us over to the couch, but she immediately wrapped her arms and legs around me and held me tighter than she's ever held me before, telling me this was more of a bedtime cuddles type situation. I brought her up to our shared room, where i noticed her soft sniffles, turning into hiccups as she tried speaking, her breathing becoming uneven and shaky as she spiraled farther. I sat down on the bed and held her in my arms as she was now curled up in a ball on my lap, holding onto me, absolutely scared to let go. I quietly shushed her as she tried to get the words out but her panicked mind wouldn't let her, thus worsening her anxiety. This was something I was all too familiar with. i shifted her gently, so she lay against my chest as i had her follow my breathing, a trick her brother taught me the first time she had a particularly rough episode. once her breathing evened out and she was no longer on the verge of hyperventilating, she tiredly lay against me, the panic attack having worn her out quite a bit, as i played with her hair and let her know i was here and not going anywhere. she was getting restless and agitated, something that didn't happen a lot, telling me this was more than just a bad anxiety day. she was likely spreading herself out too thin and stressed herself past the point of exhaustion and now her body was shutting down and forcing her to take a break. she was getting fidgety and restless so i let her have a moment and gave her some space, which she was not okay with, but me trying to calm her down wasn't okay with her either, leaving me with no other option but to sit there and watch as she got out of bed, pacing back and forth, tugging on her hair and her clothing, indicating she was feeling trapped and constricted by her attire. now this i knew how to handle. slowly as to not worsen her panicked state, i held her in my arms as she fought my grip on her whilst i took of the necklace that was likely the cause of her discomfort first, before removing her jacket, shoes, and jewelry before freeing her hair from the tightly done bun and taking off her bra, knowing those were the worst triggers for her when she was in this state.

"Better?" i asked her, grabbing an oversized hoodie for her as she had about near scratched her skin raw and was currently digging her nails into her palms to contain her fidgeting. she immediately chucked the clothes onto the floor, wanting nothing to do with that fabric, reminding me once again how sensitive fabric and texture was to her at times like this. knowing better than to leave her be as she lay sprawled out on the bed in nothing but a tank top and underwear, i took the softest blanket i could find laying around and wrapped her up in it while i got her some comfy clothes and her comfort things, which was a little stuffed seal she absolutely adored and her favorite blanket, grabbing a pair of socks from the dryer before going back to check on her. the second i stepped into the room, she immediately made grabby hands, wanting to be held and without hesitation, i complied and pulled her to me, helping her into my hoodie that was one too many sizes too big on her, but i knew she liked it, it made her feel safer. i held her to me, giving her options to switch blankets or put on socks, which she wasn't in the mood for, so i kept them on standby, knowing she'd want the blanket later. 

she was doing her sad angry pouty whine where she would get annoyed at my calm demeanor and would do any and everything she could think of to get a reaction out of me, but to no avail. i was all too familiar with her tactics and knowing that this was how she dealt with it  besides scraping her skin raw and screaming, i let her do whatever she wanted and take out all her pent up energy on me. i knew that whatever she would try on me wouldn't be anything bad so i let her be as she swatted and smacked me, trying to get a reaction, but to no avail. it never particularly bothered me when she got like this as i knew this was her way of protecting herself in this vulnerable state. besides, i knew if i left her alone she would end up hurting herself some more and that wasn't an option. once she got her agitation out, she lay against me, full on sobbing as she finally broke and let go. I sat in bed with her in my arms as  she let out every emotion she had been holding in, wailing and wanting nothing more than for it to be over and the storm to pass. she was trying to stop the tears from spilling she was trying to stop the broken sobs that escaped her lips, but her body wouldn't let her as she begged me to make it all go away, knowing full well there wasn't much i could do seeing as this was her brain going into overdrive. all i could do was hold her and tell her it would all be okay. soon enough, her sobbing subsided and was replaced by the post meltdown hiccups which meant she was getting panicky again, but this time, i knew it was from exhaustion. i lay her against my chest again, knowing that always lulled her to sleep when she was having a hard time and played with her hair, getting it out of her face and tying it back for her as she held onto her beloved seal plush and buried herself into me more, signaling that she was cold, as i immediately wrapped her up in her blanket. soon enough, she calmed down and settled, contently snuggling up to me.

"Thank you." she sighed, tracing little flower patterns onto my shirt with her finger, and i knew exactly what she meant. she always did that absentmindedly when we were laying down together, no idea why, it was always that or she would play with my fingers if we were holding hands. she always did that when she needed more affection but was too shy to ask. it was one of her most adorable quirks. i let out a slight chuckle, admiring how sweet and innocent she looked when she was like this. i moved her closer to me and let her burrow herself into me as i drew little shapes on her back with my finger, knowing that always calmed her down after a bad panic attack. slowly but surely she was soon lulled to sleep by the blanket and cuddles, myself following suit shortly after.