"I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be." - Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind.

  The beeping sounds were the first sounds I heard when I woke up. The unsteady measurements of my even more unsteady heart beat greeted me like the sun did, slowly and then all at once.

I blinked slowly, trying to swallow down the dryness in my throat. It hurt when I swallowed, but shit, it hurt to even think.

My mom sat in the chair beside my hospital bed. Her slumped form told me that she was sleeping, but even then, her hand held on to mine as if her own life depended on it.

Just seeing that made my heart hurt even more. I could die. I could've died then, and I could die now. What would she do? Who would she be? What would she spend her time thinking about if it wasn't me? And if it was me, that would make it even worse.

Little seeds of guilt had started to take home in the pit of my stomach and I couldn't help but cringe. All of this was my fault, anyways. It was my body, and my body betrayed me by making me sick. Now she was going to have to deal with the consequences once I was officially gone.

The sound of the door opening makes enough noise to wake my mom up. Her eyes are red because of sleep and the tears she shed as she looks as me, smiling brightly even when I know she doesn't want too.

My doctor walks in with a clip board, looking at the paper in front of him with a frown. I expect bad news. It's always bad news.

"Angelina, Maylina," he greets both my mother and I, then I notice the way his lips turn up when he sees her.

She has a bright blush on her face when she looks down at her hands and I bite my lip. They like each other. What exactly happened while I was asleep? The tension in the room is thick and full as I regard them. It's not my tension, it's theirs.

The doctor blinks when he realizes he's been bewitched by the beauty of my mother and I smirk at his flustered look. He clears his throat and goes back to examining the papers in front of him before sitting them down.

"Angelina, it's getting more aggressive." I let out a sigh and let my gaze flicker to the window.

A little girl with a red balloon stands there with her mother. She can't be much older than the age of five but from the way the cap she wears wraps around her bald head and the way tubes are penetrated in her skin, I know she's been ill for a long time. Her skin is almost transparent, little green veins and all obvious on her skin.

Those are the kids I should feel bad for, not for me. All her life she has known sickness while in mine, I had fifteen good years of happiness. Fifteen good years of health.

"We have different things we can try but it'll be entirely up to you. I know you're tired. You're tired mentally and physically and I want you to know that it's okay to make a selfish decision." I nod at his remark, scratching at my arm in my nervous habit.

"Have you been taking your medicine?" he questions, and my gaze returns to him.

"Yeah, never miss a pill," I respond and his pen moves rapidly against his paper.

I feel my mom sigh herself, running her free hand through her own ruffled hair. She shouldn't be so exhausted and look so worn out but she does. She does, and it's all because of me.

"Very well. We're going to bump up your dosages but I'm afraid that's all we can do. It's just a waiting game at this point, Angelina. You can either do nothing at all or try more aggressive treatment one last time, it's your decision."

"What are the odds she makes it with the new treatment?" My mom questions.

I close my eyes already knowing the answer will feel like a thunder kick to the stomach. I stopped getting my hopes up a year ago. The medicine they gave me made me feel sicker than the disease itself.

"43% survival rate, but of those people, 83% of them had it come back harder."

My mom lets out a sob before quickly covering her mouth and shaking her head. I smile at her reassuringly. For a while, I did get the hard treatment because I wanted to live. Then it turned into something I did because of the people who wanted me to live. It became a chore. It became apart of me. I was so sick of it being apart of me.

Maybe it was time to just be selfish already and kick this fucking bucket.

The doctor leaves after he and my mom have small talk. I just gaze out the room, watching the sick girl and her red balloon. She has a smile on her face despite the horribleness that's been her life. That's what I want to be. Maybe I will be like that if I have time.

"Your bestfriends are here, all three of them." My mom whispers tiredly, going back to running her hands through her tangled hair while I stare at her in shock.

"Who?"

"Haden, Autumn and Derek. They've been here for almost as long as I have."

I feel my heart beat accelerate in my chest as I think about the possibility that Autumn and Derek could know my fate. I wasn't ready for them to know my fate.

"And how are they?"

"I think Haden's being the strongest. Derek kept mumbling that it was all his fault and Autumn has just been a nervous wreck, you know how the poor girl is. So sensitive all the time." I nod my head, my heart still beating fast.

"Why don't you go home and get some rest? Maybe even just take a shower. You've been here long enough. I'm fine, I swear."

My mom nods her head reluctantly, giving me a kiss on the cheek before she leaves. I sit there being tormented by my own thoughts before I'm finally able to drift off to an unsettling sleep.
**
The sound of a door creaking open wakes me and I shuffle in my sleep, not opening my eyes. I can tell by the way he moves who it is already.

I try to keep my breathing steady and my body stiff as he slumps down in the seat beside me. The lack of light flowing into the room tells me it's either late or someone has closed the blinds.

He sits in the chair silently, and for a moment I think it'll just continue that way before he finally breaks his silence.

"I'm so, so sorry. This is all my fault. I was the reason you rushed out of the school anyways. It's all my fault." His voice sounds all croaky as he speaks and I feel my heart flutter.

Yes, dingbat, it is all your fault. Well, maybe a mixture of the diseases fault too but I mean, you did trigger whatever the hell happened outside.

"It's no excuse. I was an asshole. What I said was so wrong. Everything I said was wrong. I just got so fucking jealous when I didn't have the right to be. I always knew it wouldn't have been me you ended up liking- or loving, whatever you want to call that shit. I just didn't think it would hurt that bad," he rasps, his body leaning forward slightly so that he's closer to me.

"And now I just made myself look like a fucking fool. I'm still making myself look like a fool. I'm talking to you and you're fucking sleeping. God, this just crossed into a whole new level of weird, hasn't it? I mean, maybe it be worse if you were dead- shit, too soon? " he chuckles and throws his hands into the air.

I have to bite my lip to suppress my own laughter that's just dying to come out.

"Good thing no one will ever know. I'd probably seem like the biggest pussy ever," he laughs even harder which makes me have to bite my lip even harder.

Should I make his life hell and expose his ass for this? Maybe I should of started recording him when he came in. Nahh, I may be a bitch sometimes but I'm not completely heartless.

"Anyways," he coughs, "fuck, what is up with it being abnormally hot in here? It's like a fucking sauna," he complains nervously.

He was such a cutie when he got flustered.

"God, I suck at this shit. I don't know how people in the movies make it seem so cool when I'm literally making myself look like a dickwipe," he spits, sighing to himself.

"Basically, what I'm trying to say is, from the moment I saw you, even if we were just kids, I knew I felt things- or whatever, for you. It's annoying because I know you deserve so much better than me. I'm a hot head and I get jealous for dumb reasons, but you, you push people away. You're scared for whatever reason and that's your fault. You're such a realist sometimes, I think. I'm not going to let you push me away again this time, just please bare with me. Then maybe one day we'll learn to stop running from our problems together."

He slumps back in his seat, going silent, but his words still ring like a bell in my head.

That was the difference about he and I. I had been running away from my problems for so long, I no lounger had a clue on how to stop it. If I tried to stop at this moment, everything would come crashing down.

And in all honesty, I don't know how much more bull shit my weakening body could take.

Are y'all ever so stressed out to the point where you just don't care anymore? That's me right now.

Anyways, enjoy this update while I probably go back to taking a depression nap.

Adios babes, I love you all.