it's nights like these
where i question what i traded in
for this fruitless ambition
that consumes me.
is it truly a life of security?
or is it just an endless cycle
of desperate affections
and a subsequent month
of reprimanded isolation?
i grapple with envy of those
who have gotten what i always wanted.
acceptance from the public,
or a declaration of devotion
from my partner who fears discernment
i continue to lie in wait
for at least one of them to come true.
i wallow in increasing suffocation
pleading a god for direction
something to make my existence
seem worth the effort