Chapter 17

Confessions
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He looked at the pills in his hand, unfurling his fist, pressed his eyes closed and sighed. Omkara really wanted to sleep, but a normal dosage would do nothing and he had promised Shivay he wouldn’t put his life in danger again. The thought of his brother, brought forth a new bout of nostalgia, wrenching his heart inside his ribcage. He wanted to see both of them, but then their lives were better off without him. 
From the window he stood shielded against, he could no longer see the front lawn. Ri had been playing some kind of a skip rope game with the kids from the art school. He wished he could see them – it had been distracting for a while. Their glee, a sort of balm on his cuts. But – a tiny voice whispered in his head, she was healing, soon she too would leave him.
Their ways had parted a long back, the very same day the truth of his birth came forth. He had signed the papers she sent, thinking her actions were initiated by the news. It was only when he went to hand them over, he realized how wrong he was. She had been too broken to realize what was going on in the outer world. Even in his wounded worst, he could not leave her to rot in a hell of his making. He could not leave without making sure she was alright, she was fighting. He had to take her with him, not for his but for her sake. 
Omkara had promised himself, that he would let her go as soon as she heals herself. He never wanted to cage her into this unwanted marriage – certainly not in the present atmosphere. He was simply worried about Aditya Rana, about exactly what he had in mind for her. But he was sure, if Ri was back to her normal self, there’s nothing – no one that she could not handle. Ri of yore did not need his protection. 
But he had grown to depend on her, Omkara thought with a sigh, he needed her. Like a sore throat yearning for water, his need of her was not something beautiful and poetic, but ugly and shameful. He needed her too much, too selfishly that he could not be as happy as he wanted to watching her laugh. He was too used to his darkness and his loneliness, the high walled world he had kept himself locked in – but she – she had seeped in uninvited, like a creep that crept on his walls and bloomed in his darkness, a burst of colors in his colorless world – now he was too used to her, the very essence of her presence made him breathe, and he was supposed to let her go. 
For a punishment, it was too much. If he was to let her go, why did he lose his heart to her? If he let her go, will life be left with any meaning?
Omkara looked at the pills again, contemplating his options. She would not leave him if she knows of his troubles – he did not need her pity. It only burdened him. This was simply a little help to get some sleep, let his mind rest from all those bitter thoughts. This was his only option.
“I forgot even moon has a dark side,” Ri’s voice jerked him from his reverie. Omkara turned around hesitantly to find her standing at the threshold, hands folded across her chest. Her cheeks were rosy from all the excitement of her skip rope game, but her eyes had a disappointment settled in them. “The man who chased away my nightmares, wants sleeping pills?”
“Gauri tum –“
“Aap se yeh umeed nahi thi,” she shook her head, walking into his room, to stand in front of him. “All that sharing everything, being there for the other – hamare liye tha? Kya hum aap ki kuch nahi lagthe?”
“You’re misunderstanding Gauri,” he tired to talk her out of it, but knew too well that she was determined to get a confession out of him. 
“Achcha?” She held out her hand. “Give them here – I know you can’t take those, bade bhaiyya told me once.”
“Gauri listen –“
“Hand them over Omkara,” she said firmly. He still held them back, fisted in his hand. Her cold fingers swathed around his fist forcing it open. She held his gaze as she pulled the pills away from him. “Do I hurt you so much, that you have to put yourself in danger to find relief?” Tears were welling up in her eyes and he cupped her cheek with his free hand, his fingers tangling into her hair, pulling her closer to him.
“You’re misunderstanding,” his tone was firm. “You have nothing to do with this.”
“Don’t lie,” she chided. “You miss them don’t you? Everyone back home? You left them ‘cause they don’t want me there. I – did what the other girls couldn’t do, I – I broke the famous brotherhood of Oberois!”
Omkara lied his forehead against hers, his breathing shallow. 
“Tum dava ho, dhard nahi.” His words were silent. 
“If you just left me –“ She began, yet her arms locked around his neck, fingers stroking his hair. 
“Mar jaaunga,” he confessed abruptly. 
“Kya?” Her voice broke with a sharp intake of breath. He burrowed his head in the crook of her neck, breathing her in, his arms wrapping her as closer to his frame as possible. 
“I know I signed those papers – I know you don’t want to stay. I know it’s really pathetic, and selfish and unforgivable – par tumhari aadat hogayi hai. You’re all I have left. Ho sake toh, stay with me.”
“Om?” The first syllable of his name escaped her lips unconsciously. He did not respond to her, his frame of shaking with suppressed sobs. Something was breaking inside her, a pain she had never known to exist engulfing her soul. She had never held a broken man before. “Omkara?” She said again, trying to make him look at her. “Look at me – look here,” cupping her face, she made him face her. “What happened?” He collapsed to a heap on the floor folding his limbs against his lean body, she knelt with him, eyeing him fearfully. “You’re scaring me Omkara, kya hua bathiye?”
“Chor ke nahi jaaonge na?” he asked like a child. “You won’t hate me right?”
“Are you crazy? Why would I do that?” 
“She is not my mother – Mr. Oberoi mujhe kahi se uttha ke laaye the because he wanted a son to compete with his brother’s child.”
He paused and waited for her to scoot away from him, searching her gaze for any trace of disgust. Omkara couldn’t decide whether it brought him relief or grief, but Gauri put her arms around him, cuddling his head against her chest, her fingers stroking his hair, her heartbeat lulling him to peace. 
“Actions of your father doesn’t defy you – Omkara, it means nothing, blood means nothing. Thoughts make men, beliefs does that – nothing else. You’re ten times the man your father is.”
“But I don’t deserve you –“
“You don’t decide that – hmm? Let me take my decisions.”
“I know what your decision will be, I’m not going to stop you – you can go. I was just –“ he tried to pull away from her, but she held fast not relenting to his insecurities. 
“You need to sleep,” she reminded him, sitting on the bed and pulling his head down on her lap. He was too stunned to stop her. She continued to speak, massaging his sculp. “How many days did you spent shut inside that studio of yours? Hum bewakoof was under the impression that you were working. Have you seen your face? You look like a zombie!”
“Gauri?” He called softly.
“Kya Gauri?” She slapped away the hand he stretched out to hold hers. “Close your eyes and shut up. At least try to sleep will you?”
“Why are you doing this, Gauri?” He sounded awed and she shrugged, continuing to massage his head.
“Dawa hai na hum?” She replied with his own words. “Toh Dava ko asar karne dijiye. Sleep Omkara, we’ll talk later.”
He closed his eyes obediently, stretching out to a comfortable position. She continued to stroke his hair gently as his breathing turned even and calm. A lonely drop of tear escaped her eye and landed on his forehead, she brushed it away instantly afraid to wake him up. 
“Why did we have to meet like this Omkara?” Ri whispered to herself, aimlessly caressing his face. “Now I have nothing but a broken heart to give you.”
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