《 to alessio 》

❝eccedenтeѕιaѕтᅳsomeone who hides pain behind a smile.❞

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❝ tomorrow is not promised
but our love today is
a plant we need to water
before it withers ❞

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good friends were we. you were kind and always there for me. you were funny and sweet and didn't treat women like shit. i liked that about you. i thought you wouldn't hurt me, but i think everyone already knows at this point that i only write about pain.

we spent way more time together when we were friends than when we started dating, jimin. the closer we got, the farther you went away. i sometimes wish we never dated at all. feeling you pull away day by day hurt like hell.

why did you tell me you like me back and agreed to be with me if you didn't feel the same? and if your love started to fade away, why didn't you just tell me? is it because you didn't want to hurt me? i'd never understand that about you.

if you were struggling from the grief of losing your sister, you could've told me. i wanted to be there. every step of the way. but were where you, jimin? you left me for days and when you would come back, you promised all these good things about how we would spend time together and they never happened. i waited for weeks until i couldn't anymore. all i wanted was to make you happy and be with you but if that wasn't what you needed or even wanted, i don't think leaving me for days and lying was the right thing to do.

you were selfish for that.

i forgive you, jimin. but it doesn't take the pain away.

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give me your heart
i'll take care of it
like i never have with my own
i'll show you places
i've never taken anyone to
i'll sing you songs
i wrote about you
and stand in the rain for hours
if i ever have to
wait 'til the sky clears up
i'll wait for days on end
just to make you stay
i'll play in this masquerade

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the endless crying at nights was tough for me as it went on for a while. the waiting took great patience.

you were never brave enough to tell me the truth. you tried not to hurt me yet hiding it did exactly the very thing your feared. 

you waited for me to tell you i'd had enough so that you wouldn't have to do it yourself. and you gave a half-ass apology about it all.

were you really sorry? honestly, i thought you forgot about me most days. forgot i ever even existed. 

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you never have to hide and run away
for my love will never stray
i know you're scared that i'd leave
like your sister did
when she passed away
i would never put you through that pain
all over again and i promised it
i wish you just believed
because now i'm all alone
in this masquerade

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none of this matters at the end of the day. i loved and i lost. we weren't meant for each other and though i wished to be friends, we both knew that couldn't happen. once i love someone, i can't unlove them like that. 

i do hope you're happy, jimin and that you've got people around you who understand and care. i don't ever want you to be alone. ever. 

i hope you find someone you trust, someone who you would never feel the need to hide your pain from. and i hope you grow strong enough to get past your fear of losing people. even though i understand where it stems from, it isn't healthy. it's reasonable but you can't live your entire life like that.

you'll end up hurting more people if not yourself.