Chapter 3 || Remus
The day after the full moon is always the hardest, thought Remus as he walked, struggling to keep his eyes open on the short journey back to his apartment. He felt as though he could nap for days. The transition had felt harder than usual this time, maybe because he had to leave Tonks. He knew she was waiting for him back at the apartment, but he wasn't sure he would be able to stay awake long enough to greet her.
Bundling his coat tighter around him, Remus approached the apartment, forcing himself to look alert for the sake of his wife. He turned the knob and entered to find her sitting on the couch, peering out the window. When the door cracked open she stood, face breaking into a grin.
"Remus!" she exclaimed, embracing him, and that's when he knew he was home. Not here, in this dingy apartment, but in her arms.
They stayed like that for a few minutes before Tonks pulled away, looking pensive. "I know you're exhausted, but... Well, I have something to tell you."
She was a good bit shorter than him, but somehow Remus always felt as though they saw eye to eye. His arm found its way around her waist, pulling her closer.
"Remus..." said Tonks, a smile bursting onto her face. "I'm pregnant."
"You - You're having a... You're what?" he stammered. So many emotions flooded him at once, and he had never felt this awake the day after a full moon. "A baby?"
She nodded, grinning from ear to ear, her hair changing from purple to a bright, bubbly pink.
"I don't know what to say," said Remus, unable to gather his thoughts.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Tonks said, pulling close to him.
"Wonderful..." he murmured, running a hand through his thin hair.
Suddenly, the realization hit him square in the chest. A baby. A baby that could end up like his father, doomed to live as an outcast, to go through immeasurable pain, to live in constant fear. A baby who would always be ashamed of his father...
"Remus, what's wrong? Aren't you happy?"
"Happy? I..." He pulled away from her embrace. "Nymphadora, I don't think you understand-"
"Understand? What is there to understand?" Her smile had faded, hair drooping slightly. "We're going to be parents, we're going to raise a child-"
"A child like me," he interrupted. "A monster."
"Remus-"
"Don't deny it, you know what I am. My kind don't usually breed, and now that I have-"
"It will be okay," Tonks assured him. "The baby will be healthy, and happy, and we will be so, so happy too, of course."
"How can anyone be happy married to me?"
Tonks recoiled as though he had slapped her. "Remus, how can you say that? I don't know if the full moon has messed with your brain or if you're just losing it, but you should know that I am very happy-"
"I already ruined your life by marrying you, I've made you an outcast among wizards. And now I've passed on my condition to an innocent child, hurting yet another person I love-"
"Remus, stop! You did not ruin my life, and there's no guarantee the baby will be a werewolf."
"With my luck it will be," he said. "And even if it isn't, it will spend its entire life ashamed of me, just as you should be! Married to a werewolf-"
"Well from the way you're acting, I don't think I'm the one who should be ashamed," she spat. "We're going to be parents, this should be the happiest day of our lives. I can't believe... I thought you would be happy. This is what we wanted, isn't it? Our fairytale ending, our chance to raise a family, grow old together, and live happily ever after."
"Clearly 'happily ever after' doesn't exist. And even if you're not ashamed, how about your parents? Who wants their only daughter to marry a creature like me, a deadly, dispicable... I could kill you during a transition. I'm dangerous, Nymphadora."
"Since when has 'dangerous' bothered me?" Her hair turned fiery red. "Get a grip!"
"What have I done..." Remus said, covering his face with his hands. "No one deserves to have a monster for a father, or to be a monster should that be the case! I destroy the lives of everyone I come in contact with-"
"Can't you hear me?" Tonks cried, taking him by the shoulders. "Listen to me! I love you, I-"
"You're clearly too naive to understand that love isn't always enough."
"Naive? Is that what you think? That I don't realize what could happen?" Tonks said, her face just inches from Remus' chin. "I knew I was marrying a werewolf. I didn't realize I was marrying a coward."
Remus took a step back. Tonks' lower lip was trembling, her eyes the kind of fierce that could make a warrior fear. Remus inhaled sharply, then exhaled.
"I'm can't be with you, Nymphadora. I've made a grave mistake in marrying you."
"Remus-"
But he was already on his way out the door. Tonks' hair turned a solemn gray.
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A crack split the silence as Remus apparated into the darkness of the night. He stood at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, with the silhouette of Hogwarts just barely visible. He hadn't intended to come here, but it had been on his mind as he apparated, so here he was; the place was overflowing with memories of his days here as a student, the happiest he had ever been in his life. True, some of his saddest days had taken place here as well. But it was the only home he had ever truly known.
Still dazed from his fight with Tonks, Remus started forward through the woods. Part of him wondered if he should be afraid of what might be lurking in the woods beyond. But he remembered bitterly that he was more dangerous than any creature one might find in the Forbidden Forest. The only monster to be afraid of was himself.
In what seemed like no time at all, Remus emerged from the woods and entered the clearing at the foot of the hill. He could see the Whomping Willow, and started toward it out of habit. Upon reaching its base, he pressed the knot on the tree that caused its branches to relax, then sunk to the ground, leaning his back up against the trunk. The exhaustion from the full moon catching up with him, Remus closed his eyes.
Tonks' voice echoed relentlessly in his head - "I didn't realize I was marrying a coward!" He shook his head. His actions were for the best. Why couldn't Tonks understand what a danger he was to her and their child? He'd done enough damage already. He was better off alone.
He hadn't intended to fall asleep, but the next thing Remus knew, he was waking up, unsure how much time had passed. And to his shock, someone was standing above him. Startled, he recoiled from what he realized to be two people, pulling out his wand in defense. He tried to get to his feet, but couldn't seem to find the strength.
"Oy, Moony, you look like a bum!" said the first figure. Remus froze. He sounded exactly like...
"I dunno Padfoot, I'd say he looks more like a ghost to me, see how pale he is?"
"Almost as pale as a ghost, but not quite. I know a ghost when I see one, Prongs."
Remus tried again to stand but fell flat on his behind. "I-I must be dreaming. S-Sirius? James?"
"How've you been, mate? Here, Moony, take my hand and I'll pull you up," said James, extending a hand. Remus didn't reach for it. "Oh, I suppose that won't work too well, will it? I'm not very solid these days."
"I don't believe this," Remus stammered. "I'm hallucinating...or maybe I'm dead. Yes, that's it, I'm dead, and you're here to escort me to the afterlife."
Sirius and James laughed. "You're not dead, mate, at least not yet."
"Then...how?"
"Some fluke with the Doors of Death. But never mind that, we're here, aren't were?"
"Ghosts," Remus murmured. "I don't believe it. You're really here?"
James morphed into a stag and then back into a human again. "In the flesh! Well, actually not in the flesh. But our spirits are as alive as you are."
Remus' mind was abuzz. James and Sirius were here. They were talking to him, just like old times. They called him 'Moony' and joked with him just like they used to do.
But they were dead. They were gone. Seeing them again, while it was wonderful for the moment, was like reopening a wound. While James' death had been nearly 15 years ago, the heartache from Sirius' passing was still fresh. He might have a few precious moments with them now, but soon they would be gone again, this time for good. Remus swallowed the lump in his throat.
"How's Lilly?" he asked, trying to steer his thoughts away from losing James and Sirius. "And my parents?"
James grinned. "Lilly says hello. And your mum and dad say to remember to clean behind your ears."
Remus chuckled. "And the others?"
"Everyone is doing well. We all miss you, Moony, but we're watching over you. You'll see us again soon, anyway."
Remus wasn't sure how to take that, but he decided it was good. "I miss everyone too," he said, swallowing. "Being here... It makes me think of the good old days."
"The days when we went on adventures out here, and James didn't have a bit of a beer belly-"
"Shut your trap, Padfoot."
"And Lilly Evans refused to date him, and I was the hottest of all of us, and Remus fell off his broom the first time he tried to ride one because he's a clumsy prick."
"And Sirius ate some raw fish at the Banquet and didn't leave the bathroom for about a week and a half," Remus added, grinning.
James guffawed at that, and a silence followed that was filled with nostalgia. It all seemed surreal, looking back. He had once gone through transformations just meters from where he now sat at the base of the Whomping Willow, accompanied by his best friends. And now, here he was in the same place, but this time with their ghosts. The truth shattered down on him like broken glass, and he felt it scrape him as he spoke:
"I-I'm the only one left."
His words came out broken and weak. The joking air that had surrounded them minutes before seemed to vanish.
"Ah, Moony," said Sirius. "I wish it didn't have to be this way. But you're needed here, with the Order, with Harry, with Tonks..."
Remus' face hardened at the mention of his wife. James and Sirius must have noticed, because Sirius' voice trailed off.
"Is everything okay? Did...something happen to Tonks?"
"Tonks is fine," Remus said tersely. He hadn't intended to give more information, but the way James and Sirius were looking at him implied that they knew he was withholding the truth. "She's... Well, she's going to have a baby."
"A baby!" exclaimed the two ghosts. "Moony, that's fantastic! Oh, you'll be a great father..."
"It is most certainly not fantastic." Remus finally found the strength to stand, steadying himself against the Whomping Willow. "I have cursed an innocent child, and made my wife an outcast! How can you call such a thing 'fantastic'?"
"Remus..." said Sirius gently. "Tonks loves you. And whether your kid is a wolf or not-"
"I won't be able to live with myself if it is," Remus interrupted.
Sirius looked pained. "Whether your kid is a wolf or not, at least he'll have a father who loves him."
"He'll be ashamed to know me."
"There is no way in hell that anyone could be ashamed of Remus John Lupin," James said adamantly, "The most brilliant, selfless man I ever knew."
Remus looked up, eyes softening. It was still so surreal, standing here with James and Sirius at the very place they had spent so many nights together. He swallowed the lump in his throat.
"Thank you," Remus said softly. "I guess... Even if it is a wolf, at least he won't be alone. He'll have a father who understands...and who loves him unconditionally."
"That's the spirit, mate," said James, smile returning. "And I bet my life that you'll be the best father this world's ever seen."
"You haven't got a life to bet, stupid!" Sirius joked, sticking his hand straight through James' middle.
Remus gave a small smile. "Thanks, guys."
They smiled knowingly. Just then, an explosion sounded from the castle.
"I guess that's our cue," said James, gesturing up the hill to Hogwarts. "I gotta return the invisibility cloak to Harry before we all get sucked back into the Underworld."
Remus nodded somberly. "I wish... I almost wish I could go with you. Since I know you can't stay."
"We know, mate," Sirius replied. "But your place is here."
"Besides, we'll always be with you in some way," said James. "Now, go be the best father in the world, Moony."
Sirius and James started up the hill.
"Thank you," Remus whispered through the lump in his throat. His heart felt knotted. "Thank you for everything, my fellow Marauders."
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For the second time in less than 24 hours, Remus turned the knob to the apartment feeling more exhausted than he had ever been. It was nearly morning now, though the sun hasn't risen. Remus found Tonks asleep on the couch, her cheeks stained as though she had been crying. He sat beside her, stroking her hair, which had returned to an ordinary brown.
After several minutes, Tonks stirred. "...Remus?" she murmured, rubbing her bloodshot eyes.
But Remus silenced her. "Don't say a word. I just have one question," he said. Tonks sat up, fully awake now. Remus grinned. "What are we naming our beautiful baby?"
"Oh, Remus!" Tonks cried, throwing her arms around him. He held her close, knowing he'd made the right choice coming back.
"I know now that I made a mistake earlier," Remus admitted, "And I hope you understand how sorry I am. I know the years ahead won't be the easiest, but they'll be the best. The best of our lives."
Tonks nodded, smiling. Her hair had gone purple. She laid back against Remus, who had lain out on the couch. "You'll be an amazing father," she said, eyes closed as she rested on his chest.
"So I've been told," Remus murmured, imagining the smiles of James and Sirius. Tonight had really been a miracle, he thought, meeting them. They had changed his life for the better more than once, and tonight was just one more instance of why they were the best friends he had ever had.
James and Sirius weren't always known for having the best judgement when they were alive. But as he lay there with Tonks asleep in his arms, their beautiful baby in her tummy, he knew they were right about one thing.
Remus smiled. His place was here.
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