Author's note: thanks everyone for still reading this and for voting to keep me going. like I told you before now this story is longer than the others, but I am contemplating turning the rest of it into another part if it becomes too long. what do you guys think? let me know in the comment, kay? 

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Chapter 15

P'Arthit. I said this name almost too often. In my head, I said it like I was counting it at this point in my everyday conversations. I missed him so much these past five days that I felt like if I did not see him immediately now it was going to start to feel like physical pain, which was why I finally came to his house to find him.

I have of course come by to see him before now but I always met his mother. Her coldness to me had gone up a higher degree. That is to say, the woman couldn't stand me. She slammed the door in my face as soon she told me P'Arthit was not home. I knew he wasn't but I had hoped she would allow me to wait inside for him. What changed? When I met her the first time she seemed to able to barely tolerate me and I don't think I have done anything to offend her since then.

Since I was definitely getting turned away by P'Arthit's mom and P'Arthit was still avoiding my calls, I decided to camp out at his house till he came home. P'Arthit worked for a big engineering company, almost as big as the one my family owns, and I knew his working schedule. At this time he was definitely at work, when I would see him was likely near midnight. Still, I would wait. I am determined to see him today, even if it is just for a little while.

I had stayed outside the house for almost four hours when I heard someone knocking on the window. I looked over and saw Rin. She was bundled in a blanket-like sweater and was wearing a hat.

I rolled the window down and she smiled at me and raised her phone to show me a set timer. "Since I am bored I bet myself that you wouldn't stay out here waiting for Arthit for more than three hours. You beat my time."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I gave her an uncertain smile. The last time we spoke privately, Rin had not been particularly cold to me but she was protective of P'Arthit and wanted to interrogate me.

"It's a good thing." Her smile looked natural; I could scarcely see the badly beaten girl anymore.

"Sorry, this is the first time in almost a week since I stepped outside the house and I am not doing too good, mind if I enter your car?"

"sure." I opened the passenger side and she turned around to enter. When she was inside she took off her hat and looked out the window as if checking for something.

"This is probably rude but do you mind me asking what happened to you?"

She didn't answer as she checked behind the car. After a good minute, she let out a sigh and sat back on the chair in a relaxed manner. "Arthit told you about it, didn't he?"

"No. despite my cajoling, he didn't. Is it a family secret?"

She laughed. "As if. Well, it is related to family but you know Arthit and his mom aren't my family."

"I know but they treat you like you are."

She shrugged. "For now. Once my baggage becomes too much I'm sure they'll let me go."

"I don't think so."

"Save it, Kongpob. I don't care what you think. I know what I know and although Arthit and his mom love me very much, I am not their family. The only way to become a family is through marriage, birth, or adoption. Of course, none of that is true. The real and only way to be family is birth. Marriage is a little passable." She shrugged her small shoulders and started checking my car.

I didn't know P'Rin back in school, just that she was the assistant head girl and friend of P'Arthit, but she had always looked so bright that hearing her say this felt wrong.

"I still think that P'Arthit and his mom love you very much."

"Oh stop, Kongpob. We all know who Arthit loves. "

I held my breath hoping she wouldn't say anything.

"He loves you." But she did. Her words knifed into my heart and I wished she could take it back.

"He doesn't."

"He does and you already know it. Stop pretending."

"You think I am pretending not to know how P'Arthit feels."

"Yes because it makes it easier on you. You are selfish, Kongpob. I already know this. You want Arthit's friendship without the baggage of his feelings. You pretend like you care if it hurts Arthit, but really you only care about getting what you want."

That's not true, I wanted to say. I did care if P'Arthit gets hurt but did I care enough to back away if he has feelings that deep for me. I can't say. I am a selfish bastard after all.

"You didn't deny it."

"P'Arthit has never admitted once that he has feelings for me. I told him to and he didn't, until then I am going to assume that you are wrong."

"Okay. I respect that. What I don't get is why you aren't letting yourself admit your feelings for him."

I shifted back as if I couldn't look at her properly from up-close. "My feelings?"

"Yes. The one you are desperately trying to pretend doesn't exist."

"Look, I care about P'Arthit. Way more than is normal. I am willing to admit that I am even obsessed with him but I don't have the kind of feelings you think I have."

She gazed at me then asked so sincerely, "why not?" she let out a breath in amazement. "I mean I don't see how you can't love him. He is kind, good, generous, goofy, and funny. He is breathtakingly attractive and he knows how to care about you. He gives you a hundred percent of his attention when you need it."
I shifted uncomfortably. "Sounds to me like you are the one with the feelings."

"Yes. I have them. Those feelings that you can't have for him, I have had them for as long as you have rejected him."

My eyes go wide and I stilled. "You are in love with him?"

"Yes. And I told him."

"Th-that's not—"for some reason, I can't form speech. I should have guessed but I didn't even suspect at all that Rin liked P'Arthit. "But he treats you like family, he doesn't see you that way."

"No, he doesn't. Up until two days ago, Arthit probably only saw me as a friend but I am ready to change that."

The determination in her voice sent terror through me. She was stubborn and she had a place in P'Arthit's heart that could easily be converted and molded into the one she liked. She was his best friend and the girl he considers a sister. She lives with him and loves him. Time is all that is needed for him to see her and then...love her back.

No. I can't allow it. I won't.

"Up until two days ago?"

"Yeah. I finally did it. When my brother called me out of school and drag me to our old house just so he could force me to move drugs for him and then beat me half to death, I finally found the courage I lacked all these years to say what I have wanted to say. I said it and it felt good. It's off my chest and even if I get rejected then I get rejected."

"But you knew P'Arthit wouldn't reject you after all you've been through. He couldn't. You manipulated him."

"I didn't!" her voice was loud and strong. "You think I didn't want to tell him after all this time. Do you think I wanted to wait until you came back into his life to tell him? I could have confessed years ago but I didn't because he was still pining after you. He was still hurting. I wanted to wait for him to heal and move on that's why I never said anything. But you came back and my brother got out of jail and it felt like soon I was going to have nothing in my life. So I summoned the courage and I told him. I confessed my feelings for Arthit. I have loved him way more than you ever could."

I felt like hyperventilating a little. My breath was feeling a little short and I knew I was panicking inside. "But he doesn't love you. You said yourself that he loves me."

She laughed at me. "You just gave yourself away that you know exactly how he feels. You are the one manipulating him. By pretending that you don't know you can remain his friend. Can't you even think about Arthit a little? That guy loves you so much it hurts to see. I really almost wanted to root for him because I wanted to see him free from so much pain but you, Kongpob, you are never going to love him and since you are doing this to him I know for a fact that you are just going to abuse him and then leave again."

My heart shattered and I cried out, "no, that's not what I want to do. I don't want to hurt him, I want to protect him."

"Then can you love him back, even half as much as he loves you?"

I took in a deep breath and said painfully, my chest moving up and down rapidly with my breath. "I can't. Even if I wanted to I can't love him."

"And I ask again, why not."

"Because he is not the one. There is someone else I love more than anything in the world and it is not P'Arthit."

"What?" her shock was almost comical. "You love someone else, still? Then why are you back here? Why are you clinging to Arthit?"

I wanted to give the excuse I gave myself, that I wanted to be his friend. That I was attached to him, but I said, "I don't know. "

She sighed heavily, her chest looking as if it would cave in from it. "You shouldn't have come back," she said. "Can't you just..."

I knew what she wanted to say. That I should go and never come back. I also thought the same thing but...

We sat there in silence for almost five minutes, to each our own thoughts. I didn't know why I stayed next to P'Arthit. Why he was the only thing on my mind these days. I knew that it wasn't love because it couldn't be but I didn't know what it was. Still, I didn't want P'Rin to tell P'Arthit the truth. If he knows that I knew how he felt about me and I did nothing, he would grow to hate me.

"I'm going back to the house."

"Is mother there?" I asked instead of what I wanted to say.

"No, she's at work. Don't worry, I'll be fine."

"I'll be here."

She paused, her hand on the door handle. "I know you are dying to know so I will just tell you. P'Arthit doesn't love me, whether he accepts me or not, that is a truth that I am familiar with. I accept that he doesn't love me, can't love me. Whatever. But I love him and so when he asked me to marry him yesterday, I said yes."

With that, she was out of the car. Wait, what did she say at the end? I got out of the car and went after her. I stopped her by the gate and simply said, "Tell me you are kidding."

She looked at me harshly. "Has there been a reason for me to start joking with you?"

"P'Arthit asked you to marry him."

"yes." She folded her arms and glared at me. Her hostility was clear.

I swallowed. "You can't marry him."

"Why can't I?"

"I don't know, but you can't. I won't allow you to."

She laughed lightly like she felt actual humor in what I said but I was serious. Too serious, my hands were sweating.

"You don't love the man and yet you won't allow him to love someone else. You yourself love someone else yet you are clingy and obsessive about him. I don't understand you. Is it me? Am I just no good for him?"

"I just don't think that it is a good reason for you to marry him."

"The fact that I love him?"

"The fact that he wants to protect you." Her eyes widened, showing her vulnerability. "P'Arthit loves you, that's not in doubt, but he shouldn't have to sacrifice himself to protect you. I will protect you in his place."

"And how are you going to do that."

"I will figure it out but P'Arthit should marry someone he loves."

"But he can't."

"His love for me will surely fade one day, and he will be able to really love someone. A kind of love that never dies even after death, that's the kind of love I wish P'Arthit to have. I don't want to see him tied down in a loveless marriage and neither do you." I met her gaze head-on. She was watching me, accessing me as if something I said rang true.

"So then if that happens, you will allow P'Arthit go?"

"I will," I said. "Absolutely."

She scoffed and turned away, her shoulders stiff with refusal. She won't listen to me.

After she was gone, I tried P'Arthit's number again and this time he picked. It seemed by accident. "P'Arthit?"

"Kongpob? Oh shit," P'Arthit swore and it sounded like he dropped the phone. I listen to him struggle to adjust and return to the call without any hurry. At first, I wanted to pour out words, ask questions, and demand answers, but reason forced me to remain calm, check myself, and not push too much. Not yet.

"Are you still there, Kongpob?"

"Still here and hoping you are no longer avoiding me."

"I wasn't avoiding you. "He had the gall to lie. My fingers clenched and unclenched and I was shocked to feel anger in my veins, burning. I shouldn't be angry, why am I angry?

"That's funny, what do you call sending my calls to voicemail each and every time. I was lucky to get you just now."

"I have just been busy. Kongpob can you call back later, I am seriously busy. I am also expecting an important call."

"Okay. "My quick agreement made him go quiet. "On the condition that you call back in ten minutes. If you don't I'll come over there to meet you," I added.

I have maintained a certain unspoken boundary between myself and P'Arthit because I noticed how tense he got when I talked about visiting his place of work, but now I am promising to break that boundary. P'Arthit should know how serious I am.

"What's wrong with you. What happened, you sound upset?" I noticed he was moving away from his current position, the voices around him dimming a little. I guess he was taking me seriously now but I did not want to do this on the phone.

"I'm fine, I just really need to see you. I am desperate that's all."

He paused and then without reluctance said, "Okay. I will see you today."

"Call me in ten minutes too."

"Okay." I smiled missing his voice, his face, and the way he looked at me. How wouldn't I know that he still loves me when I watch him all the time? Of course, I know and it is just as Rin said, it benefits me to pretend that I don't know.

When he called back at exactly ten minutes, I was calmer. "You called at exactly ten minutes," I told him. "That scared I would really show up at your workplace."

"Not scared, worried. I...actually there is something I need to tell you."

My heart skipped a bit my fingers tightened around my phone. "What, that you missed me?"

"Not that." his annoyed voice made me chuckle.

"Why not, I missed you too. I can't wait to see you, P'Arthit."

"Kongpob, something happened didn't it? You sound... I don't know, something is off."

"If you are worried then come to me quickly. I seriously can't wait for much longer."

"Okay. Where should I meet you?"

My apartment. That was the best place for me to meet P'Arthit. Actually, I could have picked a better place, somewhere less intimate. I eyed the bed for a moment and told myself not to get distracted.

My apartment was like every bachelor apartment out there. A living room attached to the bedroom and demarcated by a bookcase, and a poorly equipped kitchen. It didn't particularly have anything I liked since I have only been living here for a few months.

I knew P'Arthit and I would likely raise our voices. Well I didn't know about P'Arthit for sure but I felt like I would raise my voice and I knew that I didn't have any right to do that. Maybe if I had taken us out of the house instead I would be able to control myself more.

The knock on the door let me know that it was too late. I rarely have visitors so it can only be P'Arthit. I opened the door and there he was still in his working clothes, his tie a little free.

"You didn't stop home?" I asked.

He flushed slightly. "Well you said I should hurry," he said seriously and gave me a once over. "You look okay."

"My suffering is on the inside. "

"What are you suffering from," he said with a smile I found too cute.

"Come inside and I'll tell you."

I let him in and shut the door behind me then all words failed me. I don't know what to say anymore. No, I did, I just don't know how to start. Asking him if he asked Rin to marry him just seemed too intrusive. What if P'Arthit questioned my interest, what would I say? I didn't even have that answer.

"What are you doing?" P'Arthit has dropped his bag on the couch and was pulling off his necktie.

"Are you hungry?" I asked. I looked at the time and it was just a little past six.

"Actually I can't stay long. I have to be home or Rin would start worrying."

My lips thinned. "Do you care about her that much?"

Something about the way I said that made P'Arthit's expression go blank then he couldn't meet my eyes. "o-of course. About that... there is something I want to say."

"I already know, "I said and came closer to him carefully as if afraid I would scare him. "Rin told me this afternoon. "

"I see." His head was bent to his feet instead of at me and now I am sure that P'Arthit doesn't know what he is doing.

"Do you love her?" he didn't answer and my fingers tensed jarringly. I swiftly grabbed his chin and forced his eyes to meet mine.

"Do you love her?" I all but growled.

"No, okay!" he got angry and tore his face out of my grip. "Why do you care?"

"If you don't love her then why did you ask her to marry you. That is insane."

"What is insane is this conversation. It has nothing to do with you who I marry or whether I love them or not. It has nothing to do with you and I hate that you think it does."

"But... I am your friend." My voice had gone small with uncertainty. Being P'Arthit's friend isn't enough reason for the churning in my stomach, or the anger in my veins and P'Arthit knew it.

He sighed aggressively and put some distance between us. "My friend, right. Then congratulate me. Right now."

"What" my voice broke a little. P'Arthit met my eyes without a care and I was the only one struggling to maintain our stare-off.

"Congratulate me as a real friend should."

"When I know what I know how can I congratulate you." The harshness in my voice was somewhat justified, I would like to think.

"That I don't love her? Well, that isn't a problem, I plan on learning to love her as time goes on."

"No, that's not..." I paled as I realized what I almost said. That P'Arthit loves me. I can't let him know that I am fully aware of his feelings. "What if you never do?"

"I will. After all, I don't believe in things like soulmates." That felt like a stab in my heart. "I don't think it is right for everyone to have this one perfect love. It seems unfair."

"Unfair? "

"Yeah. When there could be someone else just there who loves you very much, why do you have to wait around for this one person to show up? I don't want that."

"So it is because of what I said, that's why you are doing this."

"I am not going to reject Rin without trying to love her first."

"Then date her! Do that instead, why marry her!"

"Because," he fought himself, "because I want to be the family she has never had. Rin doesn't know what a real family is. She has never known the love between family members."

"You are not becoming her family, P'Arthit. You are becoming her husband and you will regret it."

He faltered for a moment, his eyes going wide and searching. "I don't understand you, Kongpob. What is your problem?"

"My problem is that you are jumping into things without thinking."

"Then what do you want me to do, wait around until my unrequited love notices me. Pretend that I don't know the pain Rin endures by being in love with me?"

Those words. Rin... did she tell him after all. He sounds like he knows. I avoided his gaze, guilt overwhelming me.

"Maybe rushing into marriage is not a good idea, and maybe there is another solution to this but I am doing it. I am going to be the one to help her and give her all that she deserves. That is what I am resolved to do."

He said his piece and made his move for his bag. I watched his fingers close over the handle and my throat began to burn.

"What if I returned them... those feelings?" It was almost exhilarating to see his hands tense and freeze. I met his eyes, my heart pounding, and my face warm. What am I saying? Have I lost my mind?

But I held his gaze steadily.

"Don't say that to me you asshole." His anger was surprising but not unwarranted. He took his bag and head for the door with a long hurried stride.

"For a moment there you were hit with uncertainty, weren't you?" I knew he had stopped by the door without looking. "I know about your feelings, I guess you hate me now."

"What is wrong with you? What the hell is your problem." I was grabbed by P'Arthit by the lapels and dragged closer. His eyes were supposed to look angry but they looked almost tortured. "Do you get off on tormenting me, seriously?"

"I don't. I am just desperate."

"Then what, are you offering yourself? Do you think I am stupid and I can't see what you are doing?"

"I am just making a point. Just then you wavered and if I had been serious..." my eyes flickered to his mouth and back to his eyes, "would you have been able to resist."

His breath came out short, almost panting and the air warmed my face. As if my heart wasn't leaping at his nearness, as if I didn't want to drag my fingers through his hair, I stared back unwaveringly.

"is that what you are doing?' his voice was a little hoarse with want and I shivered, the middle of my stomach curly sweetly in response. "Are you going to offer me what you think I want in exchange for stopping my wedding?"

"Would you take it?"

"In a heartbeat." His words made me go soft inside. Damn, the level of desire I felt for P'Arthit went up to crazy heights. I almost leaned in too much and brush those parted lips.

"But you don't actually love me back. For some reason you want to stop my wedding, you are even going this far, I don't get it but damn it, Kong, stop. It hurts." he let go of my shirt and slowly lowered his forehead to mine, eyes closed.

"I-I" my mind was getting a little hazy and I can't stop staring at P'Arthit's mouth. "I-I don't want you to marry her."

He opened his eyes and met mine. "Why?"

The question was soft but hard to answer.

"is it Rin? If it was some other girl, would you allow me?"

"no."

P'Arthit didn't blink at my answer but I was surprised by myself.

"Then? What do you want to do?" we adjusted our positions, him pulling his forehead away and me inching closer without realizing that we were already too close, his fingers on my arms, holding me in place, even pulling me in.

I can't do this. These feelings are making me unable to remember why though. There was a reason why I shouldn't let P'Arthit pull me any closer but I have forgotten and I don't want to remember.

"I don't think anyone else would do for you."

"You mean anyone besides you?"

"I am not that conceited, but P'Arthit you don't know how highly I regard you."

"Tell me then."

"A lot more than I can say. I realize that the way I am going about this is confusing you very much but..." I moaned a little when P'Arthit's fingers found my face and traveled near my lips. The hunger in his eyes made my insides melt with heat.

No, Kongpob. Don't do this. Don't break the promise. Don't break it.

My body is no longer in the control of my brain. I lost the ability to control this situation at some point and now I cannot pull or push away from P'Arthit. Actually, I wanted the kiss I felt was coming more than I wanted to breathe.

P'Arthit eyes locked mine in and weren't letting go. In the past, in almost the same way P'Arthit and I almost kissed and that time I had found it easy to turn him down, now I was nearly breathless with need. It overwhelmed my senses, how good he smelled and the current of desire that his fingers caused as they touched my lips and parted them but then it stung. Something sharp bit my lips and the pain cleared my head to realize what I was doing.

I am breaking the promise of the soulmate bond. I am about to destroy something that shouldn't be destroyed.

When P'Arthit's lips came down, they met my cheeks instead. I turned away as fast as I could and my heart tore in two for two different reasons. What are you doing Kongpob? Neither P'Arthit nor my soulmate deserved this.

P'Arthit smiled. "I knew you wouldn't, I am not even hurt." He pulled away and gave us enough space. " You don't have to come to the wedding if you hate it so much. In fact, I don't want to see you there. If you come then... well..." he turned, took his bag, and walked out of my apartment without me saying a word.

I screwed up big time. P'Arthit will never forgive me this time.