Chapter 40

Lexi's birthday was this weekend, and I had everything mostly planned.

            I'd given up on trying to do anything with her mother. I wasn't sure this was something Lexi actually wanted, or if this was something she was even ready to deal with.

            Sometimes it wasn't about fixing all the problems, but just being there with the person.

            Case in point, I knew Lexi couldn't fix my Kendall problem. But having her, and having my other friends around too helped greatly, more than they probably realized.

            Still, I wasn't over it yet, far from it. So I made an appointment with Doctor Boseman again before the weekend, so I could spent the whole weekend with Lexi without interruptions.

            That was how I ended up, once again, sitting in my usual chair, Doctor Boseman in front of me.

"So?" he just said, as I stayed quiet.

"So," I repeated.

"How has it been? Since our last session. I know I kind of dropped a bomb on you. I probably could have gone at it differently. I thought about it a lot this week."

I breathed out softly, "I'm glad I wasn't the only one that thought about it."

"Is there anything you need to get off your chest, right off the bat?" he asked.

There were so many things I felt like I needed to get off my chest, I just didn't know where to start.

I looked at my hands pressed together. "I mean, you were right. I wasn't... I wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't told me. I think I was so auto destructive that I sort of blocked out the fact that it was wrong and... well... it made me feel quite awful. And I just ended up learning what Josh had been keeping from me, and it was... well it was a lot this week," I rambled on a little senselessly.

"Do you want to talk about that?"

I hadn't told anyone around me. It wasn't my secret to share. But I felt like I needed to tell him this. I needed to tell someone, just so that it would make it actually real.

"Josh was in love with my brother, and well, I'm think my brother was too."

Doctor Boseman blinked slowly, probably surprised. "Wow, that's a lot of things to process in a short amount of time."

I kept staring at my hands, kind of twisting my fingers together. "Yeah. And it kind of made me question everything. If Jayden loved Josh, then why was Kendall in our lives? Did Kendall just use me to punish Jayden, because he didn't actually love her? I think Josh has been trying to make me see it for years without actually telling me his feelings, but I was just too blind to see."

"You shouldn't blame yourself for not being able to figure this out sooner though. In life, if people don't tell you things, it's not your fault if you don't figure it out. The same way that you know people around you can't know what you're feeling if you don't tell them. Humans aren't mind readers."

He'd said something similar before, but it was in relation to other people not being able to guess how I was feeling if I didn't tell them.

It was weird that things had kind of switched now.

"Yeah... I guess I got that part. Still, some things should be obvious. I had a talk with my parents too. Well, more like a breakdown. I got really mad at them. I feel a little bad about it. Ultimately, it's not their fault," I admitted.

I'd kept on ignoring my parents all week. I wasn't ready to have any kind of serious talk with them.

I wasn't glaring or yelling at them. I just kind of felt empty when thinking about them.

It was still too much for me to deal with. I still had no idea what they could do to make me feel better.

Because the sad truth was... there was nothing they could do.

"Don't feel bad for the way you feel. It's all legitimate. You went through something quite traumatic and the best way your mind usually finds to cope through that is to put the blame on someone or something. We don't like it when there's no reason behind things," he explained.

"I guess that's right. My father asked me what he could do to so I would forgive him and my mother, and honestly, I had no idea what to tell him."

"Is there anything you wish they would do?"

I wished they were. I wished there was some magical way for everything to be okay between us.

But... there wasn't.

"Honestly? No. Aside from time traveling and changing the past, there's nothing I feel like they could do to fix things," I admitted.

"That's legitimate. Some things are not easily fixed. Some things can't be fixed sometimes."

"But I don't want to be mad at my parents for the rest of my life. I just wish... I wish they'd done things differently."

"They can't change the past now, that's true, but at least they can do things differently now. They can keep Kendall out of your life."

I snorted. I better hope so. "Yeah... maybe it would be nice if they yelled at her for me. And if I yelled at her too."

"Do you want to talk to her?" Doctor Boseman asked, seeming genuinely interested by my answer.

"No. I know how the conversation is going to go, and she's going to end up playing the victim and I'll be the bad guy again, and I won't be able to win the argument. I don't have no desire to go through that."

            He nodded, agreeing with me. I guessed he didn't need to actually know Kendall to understand the type of person she was. "I think the best thing you can do right now is cut her out of your life completely. That's how you can win. If she has no way to reach you, she can't have control over you either. And she clearly wants you to suffer with her. If you don't, you win."

            "Yeah, I guess you're right."

            I thought about it, telling everyone around me to completely cut off communication with Kendall. It would be... so sweet. That would actually make me feel good.

            "And as for your parents, time will probably help to fix things between you. With time they'll be able to show you that you can trust them again. Tell them this, that you need to be able to trust them again if you want to be able to forgive them."

            "That's kind of a weird request to give to your parents," I pointed out, chuckling.

            "Do you disagree?"

            I shrugged. "No, you're right, I do think I need to be able to trust them again to move on from this."

They had broken my trust.

And trust wasn't easily won again.

            "It's not going to happen over time. Like any issues. It won't magically be fixed."

            I sighed, stretching a bit in my chair. "It would be nice if it could though."

            Doctor Boseman looked at me, like he was studying me. I felt slightly self conscious for a second. "You mentioned once that you write letters sometimes. To get some stuff off your chest."

"Yeah." Where was he going with this?

"Well, maybe you should be writing letters. To the people you blame. Or just a stream of consciousness to help you make sense of your thoughts."

"Yeah, that might be a good idea."

We talked some more after that, about Jayden and Josh and how I was feeling about the whole thing.

Jayden had only allowed me to see glimpses of him. Ultimately, it made me feel like he never trusted me enough to show me his real self. He never loved me enough, at least not the way I loved him.

He'd been my whole world, and I'd been someone unworthy of knowing him fully.

Doctor Boseman let me talk as much as I needed about that and I felt a little better afterwards.

On the drive back, I kept thinking about the letter thing though.

There were a lot of things I still wanted to say.

Not to my therapist, but to the people concerned.

Once I was finally back home in my room, there was one person above all the others I blamed that I felt like it could be cathartic to write to.

So, I took out a notebook, sat on my couch, and started to write.

Fuck you Kendall.

You deserve no greetings. And I'm writing because this way I don't have to hear your answer. I don't have to listen to your venom, telling me that I'm saying nonsense.

You used me. You violated me. You made me feel miserable because you wanted everyone around you to suffer.

Here's the truth Candlebitch.

My brother probably didn't love you. And I had to pay for that. I think one of the reasons why it took me so long to accept what you did was because part of me blame Jayden for it.

I blame Jayden for letting you in our lives. I've told no one this. I've never said it out loud, and I will never say it again after this.

All of this has been so hard for me to accept, because... in some way, it's Jayden's fault. For allowing you in our lives. For letting you create some fake grand love story between you two that gave you grounds to make everyone suffer around you after he died. For having to pay for him because he did no love you and you wanted to hurt him for it.

You couldn't hurt him when he died. So you hurt me instead.

You used me. You made me feel like trash. You made me feel dirty. You made me feel like being intimate with anyone was something worthless.

You stole my first time.

You knew I loved someone else.

Like you knew Jayden loved someone else.

So the Eaton brothers had to pay for that.

You took advantage of one of my most vulnerable moments and then violated me. And you made it feel like it was my decision, my choice. You made me feel like I was the bad guy. You made me feel like I had used you.

I never deserved any of this. 

I don't want you to ever hear from me again. I want you to keep on being miserable on your own.

You never deserved my brother. You never deserved me.

But you deserve being miserable.

So, keep on being miserable.

____________________

Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! :D

I hope you liked another therapy session and another one of my famous letters. ;P

I know some people want the Kendall and Blake confrontation, but it would probably go as badly as he assumes, so for now this is all you get.  XD

In other news, I'm in my hotel bed in New York right now, lights from Time Square flashing in my window. I'm going back home tomorrow already. :') The last days went by too fast.

But now that this trip is done, I'm gonna try to upload a few more stories this week. I saw a bunch of Gustave Courbet's paintings at the Met and I reaaaaally need to finish Life in Paintings.

Anyway! I gotta go sleep now if I want to be rested before my flight tomorrow!

See you guys next! Love you all! <3