Chapter 53

Eventually, the pills kicked in and I fell asleep, a dreamless slumber.

            When I woke up, Lexi was still hugging me, my face nuzzled against her neck, my head a little clearer.

            I also felt like a total asshole.

            This was exactly what I hadn't wanted Lexi to have to deal with.

            But here we were.

            Lexi must have realized I'd woken up because she ran a hand through my hair, and then asked softly, "how are you feeling?"

            How was I feeling? I wasn't exactly sure. I wasn't in the same desperate state of mind.

            "I'm okay," I replied feebly, pathetically staying hidden in the comfort of my girlfriend's arms.

I felt like making excuses for the way I'd freaked out and acted last night, was the equivalent of making excuses for the shitty thing someone would do if they were drunk. Even if the abysmal behaviour could be explained, it was still their fault for drinking too much. And it was my fault for not taking my medication.

            And for not being stronger.

            I had no reason to freak like that.

            I really hated this helplessness. I had not control over my emotions. Over myself. And I just really hated it.

            Lexi didn't press for more, she just kept stroking my hair and back and the comforting touch just kind of made me tear up a bit.

"Sorry about late night," I told her, trying to reign in my emotions.

"Stop apologizing. It wasn't your fault," she replied, her tone reassuring.

"It was. I didn't take my medication."

"Blake, please," I could almost hear her roll her eyes. "You had a nightmare and freaked out. It's fine."

But it wasn't fine. "I didn't want you to have to see me like this," I admitted. She hadn't seen me at my worst. I had wanted to keep it from her. I thought I could spare her at least that.

"How? Having nightmares?"

"Yeah. And spiralling."

Lexi kissed the top of my head, holding me a little tighter against her. "I'm actually glad I could be there with you. I wish I could be there anytime you have a nightmare so I can try to help you calm down."

"It shouldn't be your job," I replied, a little stubbornly.

This was exactly what I hadn't wanted. Lexi took care of everyone around her. I didn't want her to have to take care of me. I wanted to be the one to take care of her. I wanted her to have someone to rely on instead of the other way around for once.

"So, I'm not allowed to take care of my boyfriend?" she asked softly, sounding slightly amused.

"You shouldn't have to."

I felt her chest shake with a light chuckle. "Blake honey, I know we're both a little clueless when it comes to being in relationships, but I'm pretty sure we both need to support each other. Not just one of the two."

"And right now, you're pulling most of the weight," I reminded.

"That's okay. I'm sure I'm going to have to rely on you at some point, and you'll be there for me. We're a team now."

"I just don't like this," I admitted in defeat.

"It's okay. It's hard to be vulnerable, and you've been doing a lot of it lately. But don't worry. I'm not going anywhere," Lexi told me and kissed the top of my head again, holding me close.

It was nice, cuddling like this, feeling like what she was telling me was true.

"Thank you."

"And if you really want to do something for me," my Pumpkin started to say, her voice getting playful, "we can always go back in the shower and talk your feelings out. Because if we repeat yesterday's finale, I'll be very pleased."

I snorted. "Dog with a bone."

"Boyfriend with a boner."

"Jesus."

Lexi took a few deeps breaths then, like she wasn't sure how to go about what she was going to say, and then finally started to speak again. "But... hmm... I don't want to make you feel bad or anything, but... if yesterday's nightmares and everything was because of what we did, or because you felt like I push too much, you have to tell me. We should be going at each other's pace."

I sighed. This wasn't on her. It was on me.

"I don't really know why I freaked out so much. It's a bit of everything. And I do have a hard time compartmentalizing when I'm off the meds, and not letting the bad thought taking over," I tried to explain.

"And what are the bad thoughts?"

It would be easy to tell her I didn't feel like talking now, but I also had made the resolution of being truthful with my girlfriend. There was no backing out now just because it was uncomfortable to admit. "That I'm not a good person, that I don't deserve you, or anything good to happen in my life really, and the pressure of all of that in my head gets kind of deafeningly loud."

"Okay. We can work with that. You just need to remember that I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. If you repeat this in your head enough time, I'm sure it'll eventually register," she told me, stroking my back.

"I don't think I'll ever get used to it. You loving me."

"Me not loving you would be the weird thing Blakey Boy. Now, repeat that in that beautiful head of yours," my Pumpkin said, her hand going to stroke my hair again.

"Defective head," I corrected, trying to be funny, but also being kind of truthful.

"I disagree wholeheartedly, but whatever. How's the headache?" she asked.

"Manageable. Speaking of which," I reluctantly lifted myself a bit, and grabbed on of the bottles of medication from my nightstand, popping a pill to help with the headache.

Even if it wasn't that bad right now, I didn't want to take any chances.

I snuggled back in Lexi's arms as she asked me, "Is there anything I should know, in terms of how to help you deal with the headache. Like, yesterday you wanted me to turn off the lights, so I guess no lights, right?"

"Yeah. Just normal migraine things. No bright lights. No loud sounds. I also get super sensitive with smells for some reason, so like, if it happens, anything like scented candles to smelly food is really going to bother me."

"Alright. Anything else?"

It was weird to think about the migraines in terms of what I needed at the moment. What I needed was for them to stop. And most of the time it was just something I suffered with alone.

I never really had anyone with me. Josh sometimes. But never anyone that took care of me like Lexi did.

It wasn't anyone's fault but my own. I never asked for help.

And I hadn't asked for Lexi's help either. But she was giving it to me. And I had to admit... I needed it.

"Lying down usually helps," I continued. "I prefer warmth to cold when I have migraines. Anything that's too cold is going to make me even more tense. And I don't really like to talk either, when I have the big ones. It hurts to talk. It hurts to just think honestly."

Lexi kept stroking my hair, almost a little absentmindedly, like she was thinking about something serious, "It really sucks you have to deal with all of this."

"Yeah... this is nice by the way."

Lexi tilted her head as I looked up at her, our eyes meeting, a smile forming on her lips. "What? Stroking your hair?"

            "Yes. Thank you. I like it. It's comforting," I said, and closed my eyes again, snuggling against her throat.

            We stayed like this, in comfortable silence, until Lexi eventually said, "by the way, we never talked about it, but Dad would love to have you and your family over for Thanksgiving. I don't know if you guys are big on Thanksgiving, with being half British and all."

            This felt normal. And also entirely new.

            It felt nice. To have other people that cared.

"My grandparents usually do one year Thanksgiving, and one year Christmas. This year's Christmas," I told my girlfriend.

"Alright, I'll tell Dad to formally invite you then."

I chuckled at her serious tone. "Is he going to send a pigeon courier?"

"Absolutely. Nothing less for the prestigious Eatons."

            We both chuckled again.

            I thought that getting better was probably this. Talking it out, and then moving on. Not wallowing endlessly on something I ultimately had no power over anyway.

            Eventually, maybe it wouldn't have to think about this stuff. I would just be.

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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! <3

Sorry for the late upload, joys of being a lady, I just became functional again an hour ago. :') Fun times.

I hope you still enjoyed the chapter. Communication is key to a healthy relationship! :P And then next week, the Eatons and Graysons together at last! Hehehe.

Alright. I think I need to eat something, and try to get some writing done for Patreon. (patreon.com/kariannegiard if you ever want to read chapters in advance. Main goal is to also upload Jay/Josh alternate universe chapters there)

So! Thanks for being patient with me! I shall see you all next week! LOVE YOU GUYS! <3