Chapter 9

I woke with Lexi tucked to my side. She still seemed to be sleeping soundly, her breathing even.

I was still not getting used to it. Like, this wasn't normal. It felt right. But it wasn't normal either.

Also, I was kind of proud of myself. So far, I hadn't been totally unhinged every time I'd woken up beside my girlfriend.

Honestly, I was sure I would have been a total horny wreck.

Was it an accumulation of exhaustion? Or was it something else? My medication had side effects after all.

I was suddenly feeling a little restless, and like I needed to move. I hadn't ran in a few days now.

Maybe I should go do that. It would make me feel like things were normal again. As normal as having the love of my life in my bed was.

Unfortunately, my stirring woke Lexi up. "Where are you going?" she asked in a sleepy voice, her eyes barely opened.

"I'm going for a run on the treadmill," I replied, kissing her forehead.

"A run? Why?" she said, making a grimace, like I was mad.

I chuckled. "I haven't in a little while. My legs are feeling restless."

"You're my boyfriend, I love you, but god you're weird sometimes," she mumbled, barely comprehensible.

I kept laughing, and kissing her forehead again. "Thanks. I'll be back soon."

"I'll be right here," she mumbled, smothering her face in my pillows.

I grinned at her. Maybe I should just stay in bed. Maybe I should just keep cuddling her forever.

I stayed like this, looking down at her with a smile for a few more seconds, and then hyped myself up, got up, changed quickly in my closet and headed to our home gym.

Lexi was still going to be in my bed when I would be back. And I hadn't ran in a while. My legs needed it.

Sure, the few days rest had been a good thing after all the running I did during our time apart. But now I was ready to get back to my normal schedule. Part of me kinda just wanted the last couple of weeks to disappear, to act like all the bad stuff hadn't happened, but I also understood it was something I had needed to grow as a person, and that would ultimately help with my mental health. I wasn't sure I would have said yes to medication before.

People with diabetes had to take their insulin and people with mental health problems had to take the proper medication. I had to stop thinking of my bipolar disorder as something I could work my way out of on my own, and start treating as what it was. An illness. And it wasn't a bad thing to have an illness. There was nothing wrong with having any type of illnesses. You had no control over that stuff.

I needed to make my peace with that. I had no real control over everything wrong with my head, except for this.

I ran for maybe half an hour, going at a steady pace, never into full sprint, just a comfortable jog, allowing my head to be empty for a little while.

It was still fairly early, like six thirty in the morning early, so when I went back to my room, I had expected my Pumpkin to still be sleeping in my bed.

After all, she wasn't exactly a morning person.

I was wrong.

Lexi was sitting on the floor in front of the table on the library level of my room.

She was holding on to the letter I had written for her in my dramatic frenzy.

I hadn't realized I'd left it hanging around.

I'd been slightly out of it this week, floating on cloud nine.

"You really have a thing with snooping around, don't you?" I said, heading to her very slowly.

"My name is on it, it's hardly snooping around. I haven't even opened it yet," she explained, playing around with the envelop.

"Well, go ahead," I said motioning towards my pathetic attempt at an apology, "open it, and then you can laugh at me."

Lexi looked at me with a perplex look, but then sat down on the couch, opened the letter and started to read it.

I kinda just stood there, not sure what to do with myself.

I didn't remember exactly what I had written in there. I remember how dramatic I had felt writing it. I remember what the message was, but I didn't remember the specific words.

I knew I was kind of being a coward in that letter.

Lexi would see this.

There was a reason why I had wanted to give her this letter and just bolt. I didn't actually want to get feedback after it.

Yeah. Lexi was frowning a little, reading my words, and I just didn't want to stand around any longer, so I headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

When I walked out, freshly cleaned, Lexi was waiting for me right by the door, leaning against the wall.

I jumped up, scared shitless. I thought she would have still been on the couch.

"Jesuuuuuuuus fuuuuuuuck," I whined, pressing a hand to my heart.

The death of me, the literal death of me.

"Jesus was notoriously known to not fuck, you know this," Lexi replied with a grin, fanning herself with my letter.

"I'm gonna die prematurely of a heart attack," I whined, but Lexi just ignored me, shaking the letter in her hands.

"What the fuck is this Blake? You were leaving?" she said, looking like she was ready to shake me.

"Yeah, I thought it was a good idea at the time," I replied sheepishly, heading back for my bed to hide under my blankets.

Yes, a very mature way to deal with this.

Hiding like a child.

"Blake," Lexi pressed following me.

I crawled in my bed, ignoring her.

"Look, I didn't have the courage to confront you, but I also knew I fucked up okay? We already had this conversation," I mumbled, hidden under my blankets.

"What do you think is going to happen right now exactly?" Lexi asked, I could feel the bed dip a bit, Lexi sitting close to me on it.

"I don't know."

She chuckled. "So why are you hiding?"

"Because I'm ashamed?"

Lexi slapped my butt. "This was a nice letter. I probably would have cried if you had actually left. I would have been mad as hell too though."

I peeked my head out, keeping the blankets around my face like a hoodie. "I don't know how to deal with negative emotions, I think it bottles down to that. You'd think with all the experience I have with shitty things I'd be better at this..."

My Pumpkin smiled at me softly. "I'm really grateful for the letter Blake. It helps me understand you better. I'm not gonna make fun of you for having feelings, and being hurt, you know that right?"

"I know..." I trailed, not letting go of the blanket. I probably looked like E.T.

"But..." she paused, like she was trying to find the right way to approach the next part, "there's one thing I think we do need to talk about. If you want to."

"What?"

"Kendall."

I blinked slowly. "Oh."

"Why did you allow her to be a part of your life for so long? Clearly, she's not... good for you? I don't want to judge someone I don't know too much... but Blake what she did to you was very wrong. You were underage."

I looked down, anywhere but in Lexi's eyes. "We were both hurt..."

Lexi looked liked she wasn't going to accept that answer. "That doesn't excuse it. Just because someone is hurt does not allow them to take advantage of a minor."

"It wasn't like that..." I trailed.

"It was exactly like that Blake," Lexi said, her voice staying soft, speaking quietly, "You've made excuse for her for a while, and I think it's maybe because if you stop doing that you'll see how bad what she did to you is. She was old enough to know better."

"This is not a fun conversation," I whined, letting myself drop on my face.

Lexi kissed the top of my head.

I blinked back tears. I didn't like this conversation, and what it meant. Lexi wasn't the first person hinting at that lately. 

Lexi kept a comforting hand on my back. "And we don't need to have it right now. It's okay, we can talk about it when you're ready. But just know that I understand things better now. And I see how wrong what she did to you was. She shouldn't be allowed around you. Ever."

I took a second, and set back up, looking in my Pumpkin's eyes this time. "I don't want her around me either. She's always made me feel more miserable."

Leix nodded like she understood. Because she did. She understood me. We were so alike, me and her. "She likes to see people around her in pain, that much is obvious."

"I thought I was keeping her in my life for Jayden... but I think... I think I was doing it to hurt myself even more. I didn't really want to be happy, you know," I admitted.

"I know," she said, stroking the side of my head, "but you're allowed to be happy now. And to cut the toxic people out."

I smiled softly at her. "Lexi, my protector."

Lexi smiled back. "Look, it's hard work, but someone's gotta do it."

I chuckled, feeling like I had stars in my eyes. God, I was in love with this girl. "I love you."

"I love you too," she replied, pressing a quick peck to my cheek. "Now, where's that chest of yours."

I laughed, throwing myself back on my back, still holding on to my blanket armor. "Jesuuuuuuuus, the death of me, woman, the death of me."

"I don't even need to lick it," she said, crawling up to me, "I can just look at it, I swear."

I looked at her in disbelief. "Haven't you looked at it enough?"

She grinned, staring at it. "Never."

I snorted. "You're a vixen."

She wiggled her eyebrows. "I just know what I like."

I let go of my blanket for a second, pressing my hands over my chest protectively. "I feel like an object."

"Your chest deserves it own fandom, but then again, I don't exactly want to share it."

"Issuuuuuues," I said, motioning to her face.

"Let me liiiiick you cheeest," she whined, grabbing onto one of my arms, shaking it.

"Hey, I thought you said you just needed to look at it?" I replied, laughing. 

"I lied, come here," she said, trying to pry my hands off my chest.

I laughed, and jumped out of the bed. "Aaaaaaaaah."

"Cheeeest," Lexi yelled, running after me, laughing at the same time.

I turned abruptly, taking her by surprise, and swung her over my shoulder. She kicked around, laughing before I threw her back on my bed.

Before she could reach for my chest, I grabbed both of her hands, pinning her down.

She was looking up at me with fire in her eyes, a wicked smile on her lips.

I pressed my lips to hers, matching her excitement.

I let go of her hands, my own going to the thigh of the leg that was wrapping around my hips, and to her waist, keeping her close to me, our body pressed against each other.

Her hands slid under my shirt, her fingers curling around the skin of my back, the soft contact giving me chills.

She was only wearing a thin shirt and as much as she seemed to enjoy mentioning the fact that she had no boobs, I could assure her that it was not in fact true when we were pressed like this.

I broke our kiss and I lifted her shirt just a bit, kissing her abdomen, wanting to explore what was still hiding up and down.

Lexi was always trying to get my shirt off. Was I allowed to take hers off? Would she be okay with that?

I was kinda dying to see more of her.

I knew I wanted to touch her. I knew I wanted to feel all of her. But there was also no urgency to this desire... no fire?

It wasn't like I was somehow less attracted to her. It was more like... my hormones weren't catching up with how much I actually wanted this.

It was odd to explain, and odd to feel.

But it was also fine, I was still not ready for anything too serious on the physical side, between me and Lexi. I still needed time. I didn't want us to hurry. I wanted us to take our time and do things right.

I'd made so many mistakes in the past. We'd just been talking about my biggest one a few minutes ago.

I still needed to mend myself.

I also felt like I needed to go back on my treadmill and run for another hour or ten.

Lexi grabbed the hem of her shirt, ready to lift it up, answering my earlier question about whether or not I was allowed to do that.

But now that I was faced with the fact, I was freaking out a bit. I grabbed her hands, stopping her. "Wait, wait, wait, you can't do that now. We need to go to school."

She wrapped a second leg around my hips, keeping me trapped. "In like on hour," she answered with a mischievous smile.

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

"We need to go eat breakfast," I said, trying to find someway to explain why we couldn't start taking our clothes off.

She looked at me with a wicked smile now. "Oh, Blakey-Boy, do you really want us to talk about eating anything right now?"

I let out a pained sound, and pressed my forehead against her shoulder. "No, no, no, you're not allowed to be the one making innuendo jokes over what I said!"

Lexi burst into laughter.

It was such a weird thrill, to have Lexi as the one that seemed to be in control of this. As much experience as I had, I wasn't the one in charge here, she was.

She ran a hand up and down my back. "Fine, I won't take my shirt off right now."

"Thank you."

"But watch out for yourself. It's gonna happen reaaaal soon."

"The death of me, the literal death of me," I whined, and Lexi burst into laughter yet again, grabbing my face, pulling it to hers, and pressed our lips together for another kiss.

____________

Well hello my lil Pumpkins! <3

I assume some of you had realized that you would be getting an extra chapter today as it's MY WATTPAD BIRTHDAY! wooohooooo

I've been on Wattpad since 2009, so this year marks my 13th anniversary. My Wattpad account can now have it's own Wattpad account, it's old enough. XD

I hope you enjoyed this first little treat. I know a lot of you wanted to have this conversation, and for Lexi to read the letter, so I hope you liked it. I assumed you liked the Lexi getting bolder bit. XD There's going to be more and more of that in the future. I'm gonna need to start buying more wine to be able to get through writing these chapters. hahahaha XD

Anyway! I shall be doing a livestream at 8PM EST on my instagram at instagram.com/kaygiard so we can talk about my plans for the next few months, and also just chat about random stuff. I have a tendency to spoil stories during evening lives, so you might want to catch it. ;P

Alright. I'm leaving now. If you enjoy some of my other stories, keep your eyes open. If not, then, I shall be seeing you all on Monday! 

Byyyyyye! LOVE YOU GUYS! :D Thanks for the 13 years! <3