Chapter 21

In spite of the disgruntled state Shivay was in, his dreams were pleasing. It was about him and Annika walking in the park and laughing. The scenes were unclear, but Shivay liked it. So, to be woken up by something thump on his face harshly was not at all welcome.

What was that, a toy dinosaur?

His eyes felt like it was glued together. Shivay put all his mental and physical strength together to open his eyes and lift his body. His eyes met with caramel brown eyes staring at him curiously.

"Who are you?" he asked

"Now you don't even recognize my daughter? This is what happens when you don't meet us for forever."

The shrill voice pierced his ears in annoyance. Shivay turned to his right to look at a familiar face coloured with disapproval.

"Nidhi?" he asked surprised.

What was his cousin doing at his house? Or was he in Dehradun at her house? He was pretty sure alcohol doesn't enable air travel on own.

"Mom was wise in suggesting I take your house's spare key from her. Else, you wouldn't have even let us in."

Shivay didn't even have to turn around to know who was talking. He cannot forget that voice even in highest stage of intoxication. It was his very own sister Akshara Kapoor nee Oberoi.

Shivay with struggle lifted himself on his feet and before he could stable himself a quick dash and hug around his legs by young Adit caught him off guard.

"Mamu, did you miss me?"

As Shivay bent down to pick his nephew, he heard Akshara taunt, "Adit make sure if your mamu even remembers you or you will get same treatment as little Preeti."

Was the little doll staring at him with upturned lips his youngest niece?

"When did you grow up so much?"

Shivay immediately regretted that question for he knew what the answer from his sister and cousin will be. He is all aware of how he locked everyone out of his life and didn't even bother to keep in touch with his cousins to the barest minimum. He wasn't proud of it, but he didn't have any choice.

Shivay arched his eyebrows looking at his sister who reflected his expression sternly. So, she wants him to voice the question? Fine.

"What are you both doing here?" he asked looking between Akshara and Nidhi. "That too with kids."

Nidhi, the chatterbox was quick to answer, "Not just kids, husbands, Aman bhaiya, Pritivi, Siya..."

"Basically whole clan." Akshara completed their cousin's sentence with irritated sigh.

Whole clan? Of course, it is second week of May. How can he forget?

The younger lot of his family were all going to Singapore for summer vacation. Shivay received relentless calls, mails and texts asking to confirm his participation, but he callously ignored. He vaguely remembered his mother mentioning that everyone will stay at his place for a day and night before they all together take a flight from International airport in the city. Shivay was occupied otherwise to fret on his cousins' impending visit. Now, however, he regretted not being more aware. At least he could have avoided hangover. All his cousins with his sister will give him enough head ache rivalling two hangovers.

After a tall glace of lemonade, his brother-in law Shyam's courtesy and quick shower, Shivay sat on the kitchen island feet dangling, as his sister made him breakfast.

"You can be more welcoming to everyone." She murmered angrily placing a roti on his plate.

"What do you mean? I didn't even say anything to anyone." Shivay said offended.

"Exactly." Akshara stared at her brother pointedly.

Shivay knew what she was talking about. He only pretended to play dumb.

Growing up in a small city with most of the relatives living close by, every weekend was no less than a festival for Oberois. Akshara and Shivay were close with all of their paternal first cousins. It was delightful instance of family like friends in their case. However, for reasons well known, Shivay began to distant himself from all of them mildly during his fights with Tanisha and completely after his second divorce.

The only gathering Shivay visited after his second divorce was Preethi's naming ceremony and to say that he had the bitterest experience there would be underselling it. Shivay underwent everything that gave him nightmares even now. The snide remarks, side eyes, low murmurs, conspicuous looks, etc. After he flew the place that day unannounced he erased all contacts with every single person from his extended family. He couldn't blame them, his life was gossip worthy. He didn't have the stomach to endure all and come out successfully.

"Shivay, it is not like how you think. No one is judging you okay?" Akshara let her eyes wander to the rest of their gang sitting in living room talking. "Just be the old Shivay with them."

"I am not the one who changed." Shivay challenged. He was not the one who betrayed trust and gossiped behind their back.

Akshara shook her head disappointed. When she spoke again, her voice was almost pleading, "Please Shivay." She said. "No one loves you any less. Just give them a chance. Give yourself another chance."

Wow! Why did he hear the last sentence in Annika's voice?

Maybe it sounded like something she would say. Give yourself a chance Shivay. Give us a chance.

Shivay shook his head to erase the images of Annika's face. He had more pressing matters than going back to being a Devdas. If he has to carry on being nonchalant in his cousin's presence without going back inside his cave like the insecure lad he was pretending that he is not, he requires full concentration.

"Keerthi." He called his youngest cousin who came into the kitchen to fetch water. "How come mamaji let you for vacation? Now, what will happen to your NEET results?" Shivay smiled indulgently. Keerti was everyone's favourite and it would be the easiest to start his interaction with her. It was ironical that the youngest of their clan was the most brilliant and gave them all run for their money.

Keerthi shared a look with Akshara before replying. "I am not going to become a doctor, bhaiya." She said. "I have spoken to papa about giving civil service exams. I want to be an IAS." With a small smile, she left with a water bottle.

Shivay turned to Akshara with eyes widened in surprise. "What happened to her being first Dr.Oberoi? How did mamaji agree?"

"You missed a lot about what happened in our family." Akshara had a mix of mirth and complain when she said that.

Shivay watched his sister walk out of the kitchen to join others in their chit chat. If it was over two years ago, Shivay would have been in the middle of their 'clan' laughing, joking and goofing. Now, he felt like a stranger among the crowd that once was his home. Best of his childhood memories, the pranks, the games, the sleepovers, trips, the parleys all came and hit him with wave of nostalgia that fluttered his heart.

Why did it have to change? He asked himself even when a voice in his head, that vaguely sounded like Annika's, said. "Everything will be normal if you want it to be."

Shivay chuckled wondering if from now on all his rational thoughts are going to come to him in Annika's voice. It is true that she has major part in whatever small confidence he has gained about himself. If he had been the Shivay before Annika, he would have made an excuse of work and not even stayed at home with his cousin's. Now, he not only sat with them hearing to their talks, but also agreed, under coercion, to take them all to dinner.

As Shivay settled on the only available chair amidst everyone, he didn't have to try hard to look interested. It took him two minutes to get pulled in the conversation and three more minutes to make everyone laugh at his silly anecdote about Pritvi when he was five.

"Is it true you that you helped him propose his first girlfriend, Shivay Bhaiya?" asked Sushma, Pritivi's wife.

Shivay made a very brief eye contact with her and nodded. She was the latest addition to family during his second divorce scandal and Shivay had never spoken to her before fearing what pathetic judgement the new entrant has made of him. Now, to see her smiling at him whole heatedly and addressing him as bhaiya made him wonder if his cousin had taken enough efforts to recount to his wife good memories with Shivay that was enough to wipe out his bad past.

Was Akshara right? Was Shivay the one who changed?

When Shivay was lost in his thoughts, he felt a nudge on his shoulder. He shifted to find Aman gesturing for Shivay to follow him to the balcony.

Shivay was closest to Aman more than even his own sister Akshara. They were born three months apart so naturally they had everything common that two boys could have. They know everything about each other from first kiss to first hangover to first love to losing virginity to first heartbreak to first accident to whole lot of things. Until few months ago, they were each other's journal even when distance separated them.

"Cigarettes?" Aman asked holding a packet in front of Shivay.

"No." He refused.

Shivay for the first time lacked words to talk to his best friend. He let the onus to start conversation lie on Aman, while he was preparing answers to regular 'how are you', 'how is life' kind of questions.

"Did you get laid after the divorce?" Aman asked taking Shivay completely by surprise.

"What?"

Aman turned to look at Shivay with cigarette between his lips and his face had no humour that his question implied. He was serious.

"Emm... well... no..." Shivay was not being a selective recluse. He avoided anyone and everyone.

"Damn! Are you a saint now or what?"

Shivay threw back his head and shook with laughter like he has never after the gloom of his divorce. Looking at Aman's narrowed eyes with sly humor, Shivay knew they were back to their easy camaraderie and everything else fell in place naturally.

"And you should have seen how angry Ishitha was." Aman was narrating a dramatic fight with his wife. "I was so sure that I will be served divorced papers by the end of the day."

Shivay chuckled taking a drag of the borrowed cigarette 'for old time's sake', as he casually remarked. "If you had divorced, then I wouldn't have been the only black sheep in the family who divorced." He sniggered. "Still you would have needed two more divorces to beat me."

Once Shivay realized what he had blabbered for fun in the spur of the moment, he turned swiftly to look at Aman who was now looking at him with observant eyes.

"Who is she?" he asked

"Excuse me!"

"From someone who ran away without even making eye contact after divorce, you are making jokes about your past. I am sure it is a woman who bought about all these changes."

Shivay neither denied nor agreed, as he returned the cigarette to Aman and turned around to look at the view of the city from his balcony.

"Come on, Shivay. I have known you since the day you were born." Aman never hesitates to point out he is three months older. "I know how you become when you like someone. I have been noticing the familiar 'lost miles away between conversations' look on your face from the morning. You have to tell me."

"A friend." Shivay said. "A very special friend." He added, because well Aman would figure out. "And.... and nothing."

"Really! Come on, man. We never hesitated to tell anything to each other before."

Shivay let out a heavy sigh as he turned to look at Aman and leaned on his hips.

"There is nothing at all. Trust me. She wants the one thing I can't give her and so no hope for us."

Aman narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "You can still perform in bed, right?"

Shivay shoved his cousin on the arm swearing at him.

"But, seriously. Why not?" Aman asked." If she can bring you back from 'the great depression' I am sure she is very special. Shouldn't you turn hell and heaven around to keep her with you?"

"This isn't one of the romance books your publishing house produce. That is not how it works in real life."

"Shivay, I just repeated your advice from what you told me when I had almost given up on Ishitha. So, don't give me 'in real life' bulls*it." Aman pushed himself up and sat on the parapet comfortably. "What is it?"

"Don't you know?"

Aman let out annoyed sigh. "Not that two divorces sad story, Shivay, please. Even Ross found true love after two failed marriages."

Shivay smiled slyly."See that is a show, not possible 'in real life'" he quoted making Aman roll his eyes. "Anyway, I am not up for another humiliation when this marriage also fails."

"When? Man, you are such a pessimist. How did it happen?"

"After I realized I will have no one in my life if I screw up epically."

"Shivay." This time Aman's voice lost all its humour."Do you think that is what happened? You think everyone just abandoned you because you failed in two marriages?"

Shivay smiled and turned away his gaze but that was enough assertion for Aman.

"Really!! Is that what you tell yourself?" Aman had climbed off from where he was sitting. Coming to stand in front of Shivay, he glared at him visibly angry and disappointed.

"Do I have to remind you that we did everything short of begging to try and reach out to you? No, in fact, Akshara di even literally begged you to go and stay with her for a while. It was you who had developed this 'I am completely devastated and a loner' aura around you."

Yes, they had tried to reach out on couple of occasions. Okay, more than couple of occasions. But, didn't they realize Shivay didn't want sympathy or criticism?

"You have no idea how worried we were all about you. Do you know one of the main reasons I agreed to this trip is because chachi said you have agreed to let us stay with you for a night. We were all waiting for one opportunity to talk to you, Shivay."

"Oh! Please! I know better than to believe you were all dying to talk to me." This time Shivay's voice held the bitterness of deceive that he felt on that day months ago.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Shivay didn't ever want to say it, but he was pushed to a point where he has to defend him.

"During Preeti's naming ceremony, I saw all of you gathered in our usual place in Dadu's terrace without me each giving reason for why they were not going to talk to me invite me to dinner." Shivay now lifted his eyes from the ground and looked at Aman. "You were all ashamed of me, weren't you?"

Aman cussed as he rubbed both his hands over his temple.

"Is that what you thought? Is that why you left the place abruptly and stopped talking to all of us?" Aman swore again as he chuckled humourlessly. "Shivay, man, how deep in your self-sympathy pool are you swimming?"

Shivay was truly offended as he shot his cousin a warning look.

"Did you realize how difficult it became for all of us after you started to shout at anyone who passed by you. We understood you were hurting. We gave you your space. We were trying our best not to offend you. We were bloody walking on egg shells around you. But, ashamed? Seriously? Why would we feel ashamed of you?"

Shivay's heart pricked with realization or was it hope?

"You think having two divorces makes you less of a man?" Aman didn't wait for answer. "Is that why you were running away from whole world locking yourself inside these four walls?" Aman's voice held disbelief. "This theory is crazier than Keerthi's 'maybe he is rethinking life choices and making life better'. You are just stuck where you were after the divorce. You haven't moved on even one bit."

Shivay hasn't moved on. He knows it. It is not that he doesn't want to, especially not after Annika. It is just that he didn't know if he can.

"Okay, tell me crisply, what sad theory you fed the girl to make her stay away from you?"

"Which girl?"

"The one who has bought this tiny change in you that seems like light in a tunnel."

"Oh!"

Shivay narrated everything to Aman. Talking about it loudly to someone who wasn't his alter ego put lot of things in perspective for him.

"A loser, a self sympathiser, a stupid, a loser, stubborn, a coward and of course a loser. " Aman smacked Shivay in his arm. "Did I say a loser?"

Shivay glared at his cousin annoyed.

"If you find a girl who accepts everything about you unquestioningly, you just take her to the nearest temple and get married, okay? Not sulk alone in your home fooling yourself that you can live without love."

"You won't understand, Aman. You have a perfect marriage life. You will never understand my insecurities."

"Perfect?" Aman laughed mockingly. "My marriage life is anything but perfect. In fact no one's marriage is perfect. It is all about how you make it work."

"And you saw how I made it work both the times." Shivay remarked sarcastically.

"Exactly, it was you who was trying to make it work both the times. You had no support from the other side. From what I hear from you about this...Annika, right? She seems like a person who will be acting right by your side to make this relationship work. Didn't you just say she loves her son immensely and yet she sent him on summer camp for a week to be with you? What does that mean? She values her relationship with you as much as with her own son. That is saying something, trust me. I am husband of a devoted mother; I know how precious is that."

Did Shivay come to mean to Annika as much as Vihaan? Why didn't he think of it this way before? Every time he only went to her cribbing like an adamant child to give them a chance, it was her who always found a way to make it happen. Even during their last meeting, she bravely confessed her feelings for him, though he has cowardly held the information from her because of his fear. Didn't she deserve to know what he feels? Who better than Shivay knows how destroying it is when someone who you love with your whole heart doesn't reciprocate same level of feelings?

"Shivay you think that you will fail. You know what? You might. Anyone getting into a relationship might fail just like anyone who starts his car in the morning might die in an accident by evening. It is all just statistics. No one stops driving in fear of accidents." Aman crossed his arms over his chest. "You are afraid about falling in her eyes if you don't let this relationship work, but man don't you realize you are already falling in her eyes?"

Shivay was bewildered.

"She was cheated by a man she loved, she was abandoned by her own family. Her life as a single mother must have been fraught with danger, yet she decided to trust you, give you her heart and you are letting her down. This must be more painful to her than all hypothetical scenarios of marriage fail you must have imagined."

Shivay's heart was hit by a heavy rod that pierced, bled and bruised it. How didn't he think of it before? Hasn't Annika enough times hinted at the difficulties she has faced after she left her husband? Even after all this she was brave enough to trust him, hope for a future with him and all he did was throw it away without caution all because he was a... loser. Yes, that is what he is. Aman was right.

"If you are ready to fight for a relationship, you are ready for a relationship. It is as simple as that. It is okay to think you might fail. That will make you work even harder on this one. And don't forget this time you won't be alone in fighting for this marriage."

Aman's stance was solid when he said it, while Shivay's was determined.

Annika was right after all. Unless he loves himself, he is not going to be able to love her wholly. And part of loving himself is letting love to find him from all direction. Today, he had allowed love to come to him from his cousins and sooner, very sooner, he is going to let love come to him from Annika.

***

I thought I can never beat Chapter 19's length in any update and look here I have already done it with this one.

99% next chapter might be the last chapter. I am leaving that 1% in doubt, because I sometimes tend to get ideas while working on a chapter only. For sure, this story has one or two chapters only left.