I wake up before my alarm which surprises me - that never happens. I sleep like it’s going out fashion and get as much of it as I can, mainly because my dreams are the one thing I can use to get me through the day. It’s like my mind knows what to show me from my childhood to keep me going. Or to torture me. Either way, reliving my sixth birthday party that was organised around my princess obsession was a nice touch – whether cruel or comfort.

Using the half hour extra time, I showered and used more of the hot water than I should have. I took time to brush my hair and even decided to spritz some of the most precious liquid in the world on my wrist. My Mothers perfume. Eleven years that bottle had been my most prized possession, its contents would last maybe or two more sprays and it didn’t smell as good as it used to. It was enough and for those few brief moments she was here. Hugging my pillow it became more than a cotton sack full of padding, pretending instead it was her warm and familiar figure holding me back.

“Happy Birthday Sylvie.” Sure those words came from me, but I was able to use my imagination enough to trick myself into hearing them from her.

By the time my alarm did go off, I was already in the kitchen. Disappointment ate at my insides with Nate missing today and going about my duties, I made sure to be gone when they all got up. Since the party was tonight, farm worked stopped for today. Sure I still went down to the chook pen and gave them last night scraps and someone had to take the rugs of the horses before turning them out. In fact, my list for the day seemed to have tripled in comparison to other Saturdays.

In some ways, it was actually nice. With no one around to bother me, I could almost imagine I lived alone. The sounds of the marquee being set up in the freshly mowed paddock acted as the only interruption to my peaceful day, yet it was only noise so it wasn’t an inconvenience at all. By lunch, I went out into the orchards and taking an apple to eat went to take a peek at the set up for Nate’s party. If what they had done all the other years was elaborate, this was something else.

Caterers dashed around preparing food, sound technicians were setting up the equipment and the event designers were busily decorating, blowing up balloons and telling the delivery guys were to drop of the photo booth. I’d expect less effort went into organizing an Oscars after party and hearing the back door of the house slamming shut, I threw the apple core underneath the nearest tree. Moving into view I pretended to be checking how ripe some of the nearby oranges were and sensing her presence, the panic that followed had me feeling nauseous.

“There you are Sylvia.” Even the way she said my name made it sound dirty and I couldn’t help the growing tension within my muscles. My instincts around her were to always take flight. Maybe if my wolf actually connected with me occasionally, it wouldn’t be so bad but she stopped talking to me long ago. The fact I never got to shift didn’t help repair our bond either. “I don’t want you seen tonight. In fact, I order you to your quarters immediately.”

“Yes Alpha.”

No one likes feeling threatened or in danger. The weak mumble of my voice was pathetic and I didn’t need to see her to know the smug look that would appear on her face. Not that it did much damage to her looks. For the way she flaunted herself around the place, you’d expect to see something more than what she was. The years she had spent out in the sun had left her skin leathery and even in winter the tan never seemed to leave her. She didn’t work like the rest of us either, typically sitting nearby watching us while sunbaking and it had done her no favours. Her blonde hair was more white than the gold colour of her youth and due to her limited psychical activity she was rather plump. If you didn’t know her, she looked friendly enough. The warm mothering type even, and she was. I’d seen her be that way with her boys and the pack.

Just not me. Never with me.

“What was that?” There it was, the venom that laced her words had me closing my eyes, praying she would be in a good enough mood today just to let me be.

“Yes Alpha.” I repeated a little louder.

The impact of her slap had me stumbling over, clutching my face as the pain stung my cheek and sank into my jaw. I barely gasped as I tried to regain my composure, knowing it would only get worse if I cried. Plus I didn’t want to give her that kind of satisfaction.

“Lose the attitude. Never have I heard someone as low as you speak to me like that and I never will again!” She spat at me. Clenching my jaw, I used the pain as a distraction to the verbal assault that came next. I wonder if she knew how stupid she sounded making up  lies?  “You’re eighteen now aren’t you Sylvia?”

“Yes Alpha.”

“Maybe it’s time we left you to fend for yourself. I doubt you’d last long though and I don’t think anyone else would put up with the disrespect you constantly demonstrate to those around you.  I guess you’ll always be a burden to us; to the pack.”

There are a million things I want to say back and grinding my teeth together, I’m having a hard time holding it in.

“Goodness, you can’t even bath yourself. What is that foul smell on you?” She whines, scrunching her face up in disgust. I know exactly what she is talking about.

“It’s my Mothers perfume, Alpha. I believe the foul smell is coming from you.” I growl defensively, daring to open my eyes and look at her.

What did I just do?

Instantly I look at her in sheer horror, throwing my hands up to cover my mouth I can’t believe I actually just did that.

Shock registers first on her face, disappearing as pure rage takes over. The bulge of her well developed double chin seems to wobble like a turkeys as she opens and closes her mouth and I think for the first time in her life, she is speechless. Her hands curl into fists as her eyes glaze over, going from the grey human eye to the brighter blue of her wolf. I’ve never spoken back to her like that, I’ve never used that tone. More importantly, I’ve never stepped out of place and looked her in the eye. How she hasn’t shifted is beyond me and while I know I should be running, I don’t.

I can’t.

“You little bi-!” She starts to scream, and where ever the confidence or stupidity that brought that on came from, it returns. I almost want her to try to hit me, I feel I could take her on and win in this moment. Her arm comes up and as another reaches out to stop it, I am pretty sure the shock turn of events is going to give me a stroke. Nate.

“No!”  I whisper, my mouth still covered by my hands. He stops his Mother from striking me, yet he barely glances my way as her anger turns on him. I don’t need to work out why things suddenly feel different between us. I can feel the tension in the air as my wolf ignites from within the darkest depths of my soul. How could this have happened?

He is mine.

Nate is my, he is my mate.

“Don’t you dare defend this pathetic mutt Nate! You may be my son but even you do not get to show such disrespect to your Alpha!” Her screaming has started to draw in a crowd, and as Nate’s’ Father approaches, I try not to throw up. My heart is beating so hard in my chest I am positive it’s doing damage and I pray I don’t start hyperventilating.

“I saw it all Mother. Leave her be, just for today.” He speaks so coldly, it doesn’t even sound like Nate. Now I’m scared and I can tell even she is uncertain at this sudden change of events. Sure he has stopped things in the past, but never has he acted like this. It’s not hard to work out why. This is it, the turning point I’ve been waiting for and dropping my hands, real hope – not just fantasies, start to break into my mind. He won’t back down, he won’t reject me. I am safe now. It's Nate, my Nate and I  wait for Nate to look at me, to confirm this is actually happening. Only he doesn’t.

“You saw nothing!” She hisses back, looking at her mate for back up. Instead he looks between Nate and I suspiciously.

“It is our job to keep the pack in line Nate, why are you interfering?” His tone is pure Alpha, making my knees buckle and I’m one word away from collapsing, yet for the first time in a long time my wolf is there to assure me it’s going to be okay. She believes in Nate too.

“I-“ Nate doesn’t get to finish before his Mother slaps him.

“Tell me it’s not true!” She roars, and clearly our Alpha’s thoughts mirrored her own as again he only glares our way.

“What?” Nate doesn’t even flinch, yet it’s obvious he is getting agitated.

“She, she of all the she-wolves in the world, is not your mate!”

There, it was said and as he turned to look at me, it wasn’t just his voice I didn’t recognize now. There was no pity or even kindness in his eyes, they were as vacant as a corpse and with his lips pressed tightly together, there was no gentle smile to reassure me. The laid back way he usually held himself was gone, I wasn’t his friend anymore. I wasn’t his mate either. I was Sylvia Thompson, weakling - less important than the dirt on his shoe.

“Don’t be stupid Mother,” looking back to his parents he stands a little taller and if didn’t know he was lying right now, I’d believe him. “I know it’s her birthday too. She is still pack, surely she can be excused for one day.”

“You are too soft Nate, that is why you will never be an Alpha and things like her will forever be taking advantage of your kindness.” His Father growls back, and all three turn to me with nothing other than pure loathing in their eyes. “Stay in your quarters until we permit you leave.”

I can feel the burn of tears behind my eyes, I’m pretty sure I’m not even breathing anymore. His actions alone tell me all I need to know and no matter what punishment his parents decide to serve me with, nothing will hurt more than his denial. Somehow I manage to find my voice, and the broken edge of my tone sends the first wave of hot tears down my cheeks, breaking my number one rule; don’t ever let them see you cry.

“Yes Alpha.”

I don’t walk, I run and it’s hard to stop at my room and not just keep going off the farmlands and into the wilderness or beyond. A confrontation with another pack wouldn’t be the best idea right now either and to return after leaving was not an option. It would be all they need to give enough reason to attack or cast me out and his Mother had a point. How could I survive on my own?

Making sure to lock the door, I start to pace – tearing my hands through my hair I end up falling to the floor and the hysterical sobbing that follows doesn’t have an end. Gone was the dream of having a mate to take me away from here. Not once did he ever hint at the idea of there being an us. All the times he had helped me, all the kindness he had shown me –it wasn’t real. It was an act of pity. His Father didn’t have to worry about him being too kind. No, he was just like them.

They should be proud.

“Why?” I start mumbling, looking over at my parents photograph – did they really watch over me? If so, why did they let this happen? I’ve heard of what not killing you making you stronger but this? My stomach cramped, my chest felt like someone was standing on it and in the end it was just easier to keep my eyes closed. “Why?”

-x-

Thump, thump, thump, thump.

The constant pounding matches the ache in my head and stiffly sit up off the dusty floor. My eye lids feel like sandpaper against my puffy eyes and from sleeping with my mouth open, my lips are dry and it takes a few licks to get the moisture back into my mouth. I’m a mess. My tears have dried, leaving my skin feeling tight and daring to get up and look in the mirror, it’s worse than I thought.

My hair is twisted every which way and I look as shattered as I feel. There is no life left in my eyes; every hope and dream that had kept me going was no longer there. Going to try and smooth out my hair, my fingertips sting at the contact and movement. Looking down, my fingernails are bloody stumps and where I had fallen, the scratch marks dent the wood from the way I had dug my nails in like claws to try and feel grounded from the spiral of depression I had been sucked into.  

The constant booming had me shrinking against the wall, trying to work out if someone was pounding on the door. I locked it, I remember doing it. After a few minutes I realize no one is trying to get in, the ache in my head is not making enough noise to take over my hearing and now I am concentrating on it more, the thumping is joined with music, laughing and a hum of chatty voices.

The party.

It’s the sound of the base from the DJ.

I laugh. I can’t stop and the Alpha’s words come to mind, making me laugh louder – harder. She made a great point. Out of all the she-wolves in the world, I’m his mate? I’m leaning over, holding my sides and maybe laughter is a form of medicine because once I finally stop, I feel deliriously giddy. Happy.

“Of course he is!” I tell the darkness around me, and leaving my room go to stand at the barns doorway. The party has lit up the paddock. I can see the shapes of people outside the marquee and even more inside. The house sits to my left in darkness and I contemplate sneaking inside to have a real shower why no one is around.

Where do all these stupid thoughts keep coming from?

Instead I lean against the side of the barn, letting myself dream again. Nate would come over, declare his love and we’d go back to the party and everyone will just, accept me. Then it starts to happen, kind of. From the crowds, a figure separated from the bulk of the group and he does start to come over, but it’s not Nate. Dean.

I keep still, stupidly praying he doesn’t see or notice me. If I try to run inside, it would be too obvious. For everything Nate is, Dean isn’t. The only similarity they have is their size. Both have their Fathers height and thanks to farm work, sports and their family genes - are in good shape. He is two years older than us, and I had witnessed, though thankfully never experienced, how his bite was worse than his bark. Maybe he didn't believe in hitting girls, though I was hoping I would never find out.

“I always seem to forget you live out here. Enjoying the party?” There is something intense in his gaze, something I should be scared of and not for the first time of the day I get the courage to speak back.

“It’s definitely unlike anything I have seen before.”

“I imagine it would be,” He looks thoughtful for a second, smirking as he looks back at me. His eyes are the same as his Mothers and I cringe further against the wood as the color swirls to blue - picking up all the light the moon above offers. “Though I am certain I heard you were to be kept  inside? Wouldn’t be going against your Alpha’s command now would you?”

He comes closer, squatting down so he is at my level. He smells of cigars and beer, the underlying earthy tone of his wolf faintly covered, but his presence is nearly as commanding as our Alpha’s and I clench my hands together to try and stop them trembling.

 “If I have seen you, anyone at the party could have seen you too. I don’t think my Father will be happy to hear you’ve been flaunting your inability to follow his orders in front of the pack and his guests. What do you think?”

“I think-“

“You don’t think!” He yells, cutting me off and I’m glad he did that because god knows what was about to come out of my mouth. I don’t know who I am today. “I’ll give you one chance and whatever sense you have that pretty little head of yours should know the answer. Run little she-wolf, because your welcome here is finished!”

The threat is clear in the way he snarls out the words and movement behind me has my attention. Some of his friends have joined our own little party and instead of running, I’m paralyzed with fear. This day just keeps getting better and better.

The music gets lower as a chorus of voices take over. They’re all singing happy birthday and echo across the land to where we are.  ‘Happy Birthday Nate.’ I think, wondering if he even opened my gift to him. Sliding up against the wood Dean also rises to stand before me. The splinters cut through the thin fabric of my sweater, and his gaze darkens to the point where I am positive if he keeps it up, that alone would be enough to kill me.

“I’d start running now if I were you.” The group behind him laugh and with a final look, I turn and take off around the corner of the barn. I’m running as if my life depends on it and I’m not willing to find out if that’s the truth. The steady steps keep up behind me and I have a feeling they’re holding back. I’m already exhausted, I don’t do this – ever and climbing over a fence into one of the other paddocks, the break in my run has my body struggling to go back to the sprinting pace I just had.

‘Keep running, just keep running!’ It doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself to keep going, the second I stumble on the tree branch as I make it to the other side of the field – I’m down and they don’t give me a chance to get back up.

“No!” I scream as rough hands grip my arms, flipping me over. “Please, please just let me go!”

“Sounds like you’re willing to beg?” One of the others leers.

Instead I manage to throw a punch at the nearest body to me and I must have done something right as he reels backwards holding his eye. “Fucking bitch!”

Someone laughs, and scrambling away I don’t get to stand as again I’m being shoved down to the ground. Grabbing a fistful of dirt I throw it in their direction and bringing up my legs can’t believe what I’m doing. I’m fighting back and it’s probably going to get me killed.

“Enough!” Dean growls, and this time they’re not messing around. I’m left staggering up against the three, gasping for air and try and work out what the hell I’m going to do. Running isn’t an option. I can’t fight them all. “Make it look like she did it.”

He walks away, pulling out a cigarette as he does so. He seems to disappear into darkness as the moon is taken from the sky and instead I have three shifters watching my every move. I’m not so proud that begging is beneath me and trying to stay standing, hesitantly touch the tree, trying to see if there was a loose branch I could use to defend myself.

“Just let me go, I’ll keep running. I won’t come back, I promise.” It starts to pour out of me and I can’t shut up, even as one of them gets close to grab me and roughly grabbing my chin makes me look at him.

“It’s nothing personal. We don’t even know you, but we have orders to follow.”

“Then please, just let me go!”

“Can’t do that.” He  growls, his wet lips slobbering all over mine causing the others to laugh again – encouraging him on. Keeping my mouth closed doesn’t help and as he lets me go, the back of his hand slams into the side of my head and I’m sent sprawling back into the dirt. “Use that branch up there, let’s have a bit of fun first.”

Opening my eyes, the light returns enough for me to see the rope be thrown up into the tree I tried to ignore the black spots clouding my vision. Not that it matters as the same guy is suddenly on top of me. Using his claws, my sweater is shredded and trying to cover myself up is pointless as he pins me down.

“You don’t need to make this anymore painful than it needs to be.” He growls and glancing up behind him, the other two have made a noose.

This isn’t actually happening, I’m dreaming – it’s a nightmare. My alarm will go off and in case it isn’t about to anytime soon, I manage to get enough movement in my leg to kick him in his groin, stopping him from attempting to get off my jeans. My victory is short lived as he hits me again, only this time I can’t fight the darkness he sends me into.

When I do open my eyes again, I would be positive that I’m dreaming if not for how much everything hurts. Running my hands over my body, not much has changed since he hit me. I’m clothed, my shirt is torn, my head is pounding.

Apart from that, I’m okay. I almost laugh at this realisation, until looking up -  the noose is still hovering in the air, waiting. Snarls and yelps from the fighting wolves out in the darkness has me getting to my feet. Who is fighting? Did something happen at the party or was it the trio arguing over what to do to me first? The last thought has my stomach churning and the world starts to tilt sending me backwards against the tree. Holding my head, it doesn't matter what, who or why they're fighting. I should keep running. This is my chance to get away and I’m not going to waste it. I’m barely walking to start with, finally getting my feet to move in sync I move into a jog and then start madly running.

One of the wolves is soon chasing me, followed by another and I don’t dare look back. The second it’s nails are on my back and the weight of his attack hits me, I’m back where I started and scream as I fall. The other wolf is with us in seconds, slamming into the brown animal who took me down and the pair begin to fight. I don’t move as the white and black wolf gets my attention. I've seen it somewhere before only I'm unable to hold it together as my head tilts backwards letting the pain in my head win and if I never wake up, I'm kind of okay with that.