All this time.
I have told myself that nothing is wrong. That everything they tell me is true. Everything they carve into my brain is right. When they blame me, it is my fault. When they punish me, it is I who is in the wrong. When they lie to me, it's only because they are telling the truth.
I had no idea that all they said was false. I didn't understand why someone who says they love you, would hurt you. I thought it was normal. I thought everyone had a family who judged them for every little thing they did.
I was wrong.
I was very wrong.
I should've known better than to let them control me and tell me that I am not allowed to be myself.
I had no clue that I was actually allowed to not listen.
I would sit there and ask myself why was I always the one in the wrong. I would ask why when my brothers did something wrong, they weren't treated the same.
I often would come up with the conclusion that it was my fault, one way or another.
I had no idea it wasn't my fault.
I grew up believing that I had to follow every footprint before me. I had a set path that my parents had created for me. I was supposed to be this way, but I ended up that way.
They want me to be this person, but I ended up like that person.
They wanted me to look like this person, but I ended up looking like that person.
I always thought that God hated me, so he made me everything my family didn't want in a daughter. I didn't figure it out until a few days ago, that I was right and they were wrong.
I found out that I can be my own person, but at a cost.
I found out that what they call me and what they say about me, is false.
I finally found out that I'm my own person and that it never was my fault.
I am my own person, with my own thoughts, that are all messed up.
I believed them for so long, that they messed up my thought process. They turned me into an emotional reck.
They manipulated everything I was and tried to make me think it was always me who did wrong.
I realized that it wasn't me, and that I shouldn't have to deal with them and their constant two faced lies.
I used to tell myself, "Only two more years..."
I'm not gonna say that anymore. I'm gonna stand up for myself.
I'm not going down without a fight.
They wanna try and break me, they can't.
I've turned into a mighty fortress.
I've become a diamond in the rough.
I'm slowly mending my mind, one of the many things they stole from me.
I'm no longer afraid of what will happen. I've suffered enough.
They will start to ask what is wrong with me, and why I am acting this way. I won't be afraid to tell them the truth.
I won't be in the dark anymore. I want to be in the light. I want to be myself. I want to be something that I create. I want to follow my own path, that I blindly set before myself.
I don't want to be in pain anymore. I'm done suffering this mental and emotional abuse.
And I've finally realized that I don't have to suffer anymore.
The hardest part about admitting something to yourself, is realizing that it is happening.
And I finally realized that my family, is holding me back.
I would be okay it they weren't here.
When the realization hits, it hurts, but only for a moment. You may become numb, but you'll regain feeling.
Trust me, I'd know. Because I finally realize that I can be me.
I can be who I want.
I can be what I want.
I can love who I want.
I can do what I want.
Now that I've realized this, I am great.