A/N

The first part (slanted words) could potentially be triggering to the reader, so please read with caution. Or skip over that part and start where the words are not slanted anymore. 

--Jordy

***

It's a rainy day. I look out the window. There's nothing good going on in my life. My mind goes to dark places. Bad places. I don't want to live anymore. I have no reason to live anymore. 

A new girl walks in. She's short. Shorter than me. She has long brown hair, and bright blue eyes. "Hi," She says. "I'm Laylah." The clouds move away from the sun and suddenly it's much brighter than before. I can tell that we are going to be friends.

I wake up to multiple texts from one of my best guy friends. Mason is the first, Felix is the second. 

Felix: Are you ready for laylahs funeral?

Felix: are you doing ok?

Felix: Evie please respond you're worrying me

Me: Hi sorry I just woke up

Felix: You're still worrying me. Are you ok?

Me:

Me: I guess so

Felix: You're going to Laylahs funeral right?

Me: Yeah of course

Felix: Do you need a ride

I stare at the text trying to figure out how I should respond. He's helped me with so much stuff; emotionally....mentally.....romantically......

My thumbs spin around the keyboard as my brain thinks of all the pros and cons of saying 

Me: Yes

Felix: Great, I'll pick you up in 10 minutes

I look at the clock. Her funeral starts in 20 minutes and I overslept! I slowly get out of bed. I don't even bother to take a shower or put on make up. Felix picks me up and we drive to her funeral.

There are so many people. Laylah was so loved and she doesn't even realize it. She has so many people who want to see her again, who want to love her, and say one more thing to her again. She has so many people who won't get that opportunity anymore. 

The service was short and to the point. Much like something Laylah would've wanted. I give Mason a hug. "You gonna be alright?" I ask him. 

He shrugs. "I guess so." He presses me to his chest. "How are you holding up?"

"Still getting used to it I guess."

"I'm leaving," Allison says giving me a hug.

"I'm leaving in a couple minutes too," I say.

"No," She says looking at me with tear filled eyes. "I have to leave. The army accepted me. I leave tonight."

My eyes go wide. "For real?" I hug her. "Oh my goodness, I'm so excited for you!"

She weakly smiles. "I'm scared. I don't want to go just yet."

"No, go," I say. "It'll be good, I promise. This'll be so good for you!"

"Thank you." She squeezes me tight. "I'll miss you. Bye."

"Bye." 

I watch as my best friend walks out the door and goes to the army. I don't know when I'll see her again. I don't know if I'll be able to talk to her while she's there. 

"Are you ready to go?" Felix asks walking up to me.

"You rode with Felix?" Mason asks looking at the two of us.

I nod. 

He grabs my arm and pulls me away for a second. "You two aren't going to do anything are you?"

I stare at Mason. "I don't know," I shrug.

"Evie," He stares at me with wide eyes. "Is Felix the guy you messed around with when your brother and dad died?"

I stay silent.

He looks at the ceiling and sighs. "Evie!" He practically yells. He sighs again and tries to come up with the right words. "You'll tell me if you start getting bad again, right? You can trust me okay?"

"Right yeah I know," I say. I look at his shoes feeling really awkward about how this whole situation is playing out. "Look, Felix is waiting for me. I have to go."

"Bye," Mason says. I start to walk away. "Stay safe."

I smile to myself as I walk over to Felix who's talking to some other girls we're friends with. "Ready?" I ask.

He nods and I get in his car. "Thank you for the ride," I say when he pulls into my driveway. I put my hand on the handle and think about opening the door. "Do you want to come inside?" I finally say.

"Sure," He says.

I let us both in and he sits down on the couch. I sit down next to him. He pushes some of my hair back behind my ear, then leans in close and kisses me. 

I kiss him back intently. "Let's go to my room."

I get off the couch and grab his hand taking him to my room. He slams me against the wall and kisses me. I pull at his shirt until he takes it off. He pulls at mine and I take it off too. I walk backwards while he's kissing me and manage to take my shoes off, he does too. I fall on the bed with him on top of me. He kisses my neck, my chest, all the way down until he reaches my jeans where he proceeds to unzip and take them off.

Wait 

Stop

No

This story is not going to get into all of that. Let's fast forward a bit. All you need to know is: yes, Felix and I had--ya know--sex...

Okay

Resume

I lay in bed looking up at the ceiling. Felix lays next to me on his stomach. His eyes are closed, but I don't think he's asleep. I keep thinking about what Mason told me. About how I can trust him with anything. But can I really trust him with this? He'd judge me so hard, I can't trust him enough to tell him that I'm getting bad again.

"I didn't even say goodbye." I say out loud.

"What?" Felix says. He strokes my hair.

"I didn't even say goodbye to Laylah. Gosh I'm so stupid. I suck!"

His eyes perk up. "You want to suck?"

I sigh. "I guess so."

I'll leave out the details of this part too.

"Don't tell anyone as usual?" I ask as Felix is about to leave. 

He nods and drives away. The feeling of emptiness captivates me as he leaves.

Once again

here I am

all

alone.