<JONATHAN>

Ms. Copycat was in my spot when I got on the subway this morning. I can't even begin to fathom why on earth she's not moving. I keep giving her my scariest stink eye, trying to get her to move. Stubborn girl won't budge.

She reminds me of Ethan, somehow. I hate that about her. This girl shouldn't remind me of my brother. She's nothing like him, from what I can tell.

Gosh. If Ethan was still here, I think he'd be trying to hit on her. Or pushing me to try to hit on her.

He's not here. I still have trouble living with it.

I think today at lunch I'll go to one of the outside tables. Maybe it'll help me go unnoticed. If I know West as well as I think I do, he'll fight but ultimately come with me.

I never thought Wesley Beckett would be my best friend. He was Ethan's before he was mine, and I never could stand him until Ethan died. I have no idea how West managed to get through to me, but he did. I'd never verbally admit it but I'm actually really happy he did.

Subway's stopping. If West doesn't pester me, I may (or may not) write at lunch.

••••

<ANELIESE>

So because I went to sleep so early, I woke up at like 3 A.M. Then I got on my laptop and pulled up Guardians of the Galaxy.

I have no idea why, but Ronan seems like a really cool name for a guy. My favorite part of that entire movie is when Peter starts to dance and Ronan starts looking at him like, "...the fu...?"

Anyways. Because I woke up at 3, I'm already tired, and it's the morning. I'm on the subway now and Subway Dude Jonathan keeps shooting me death glares. What the hell did I ever do to him?

I mean, it's not like I ripped his heart out the same way I got mine ripped out. It's not like I destroyed his trust in the opposite gender. It's not like I broke his faith in love. I have never even spoken a freaking word to him. I do not get why he's looking at me like that.

I need a friend. The last one I had was Angie and she backstabbed me. I never wrote out the details, I know, but I just can't bring myself to yet.

Somehow, other than Subway Boy's withering stink-eyes, I find the subway to be calming. I like it. It's a step up from riding the bus back home. Well... not home, I guess... back in Florida.

I kinda like the idea that I'm a nobody here. I mean, I want a friend, but I don't mind being invisible. Of course, it's weird being a sophomore in classes filled with juniors because I'm advanced, but they don't pay attention to that. I like the fact that nobody knows about my past. About why I had to move with my dad. It's like a new, fresh start.

Subway's stopping now. I'll write later.

•-•

<JONATHAN>

So I'm at a table on the outer part of the cafeteria for once. As I predicted, Wesley came too, but he's been getting up to go talk to the boys and then coming and sitting back down. I can tell he's not digging my silence.

I can tell he misses Ethan. He's not the same. He used to be so cocky, and now he's not really, anymore. He shows more consideration to people, and if you pay attention, you can see him zoning out and brooding during classes. I don't blame him. Ethan was his best friend since pre-k. 

Still, he's got nothing on me. Ethan was my twin brother and my best friend. My only good friend.

I shouldn't keep writing about him. It'll probably only get me in a worse mood.

So anyways. The subway girl, Annalise or whatever, is sitting a couple tables over. Everytime I glance over at her, she kinda cowers away. I don't mind. Intimidating is what I aim for. Nowadays, at least.

West is sitting back down. I figure I'll talk to him. I'll write later I guess.

•••

<ANELIESE>

SUBWAY BOY IS SO IRRITATING AND IVE ONLY KNOWN OF HIS EXISTENCE FOR A FREAKING DAY.

On another note, that "Chorus Queen" girl from yesterday, Nevaeh Spain, actually spoke to me. I was beyond surprised. I shall narrate our conversation:

Nevaeh strolled up to me during a lull in chorus and said, "Hey. Aneliese, right?"

A bit taken aback, I responded, "Uh, yeah, yeah. You're Nevaeh, if I'm not mistaken."

She smiled, which put me more off guard. "Yeah. Look, I'm sorry about yesterday," she started. "You've got one of the best voices I've ever heard. I got jealous that yours is better than mine because until you came, mine was the best. I'm sorry for basically shooting fireballs out of my eyes at you."

If I recall correctly, at this point, I was thinking, Damn, this girl ain't as bad as I thought she'd be.

Still just a wee bit stunned, I choked out, "Uh, it's no problem. Everyone gets jealous sometimes; it doesn't matter."

She looked hopeful when she asked, "So you forgive me?"

Nodding, I replied, "Yeah, of course."

Nevaeh smiled. "Sweet. You're always welcome to sit with me at lunch, by the way."

This time it was me who smiled. "Thanks!"

Nevaeh's smile stayed on her face. "No problem."

By now, the lull in class had died, and we all got back to our activities.

I didn't take up Nevaeh's offer to sit with her at lunch. I took one look at all the other people sitting around her and my anxiety caused me to automatically think, Hell-to-the-NO.

So I'm at an Outer Rim table. To my surprise, Subway Boy is too. There's a boy with curly hair and freckles sitting with him, and they're talking. Subway Boy is fake-laughing. Whenever there's a lull in the conversation, he's either looking down and twiddling his thumbs, looking around the cafeteria with indifference, or looking at me like he wants to swing a bat at my face. Gosh, what the hell is this boy's problem?

The curly-haired boy just looked at me. Oh dear gosh, he winked. He freaking winked at me. I don't know whether to get up and punch him or be flattered. I'm leaning more towards punching, though.

Okay. It's not like I have enough courage to punch a guy like that anyways.

I haven't been eating lunch. Today they have sloppy joes and I actually really hate sloppy joes. The only sloppy joes I liked were my mom's. And she's gone now so... yeah.

Sometimes I still have trouble getting over the way Angie backstabbed me; the way she turned all my friends against me the week before I left. And I can never get over Dustin, but I can also never get over the permanent damage he did to me and my family.

So yeah. I think after school I'ma go back to the Met and do my homework there. I liked it. Afterwards I'll catch a bus to the Empire State Building and keep going down 5th street past it.

Lunch is gonna end soon so I'm gonna pack up now.

•——

<JONATHAN>

Back on the subway. Except, I'm not going home. I'm going further up Brooklyn. There's a sweet gelato shop on the corner of 4th and 5th and I'm in the mood for something sweet.

Of course, since I'm not on the same subway I take to go home, Ms. Spot Stealer isn't here to intrude upon my somewhat-okayness.

During lunch, West pestered me about going to that party on Friday until I relented. Which sucks. Why you may ask? Well. Parties are for people who want to be known by other people. I want to not be known by other people. I want to be an unknown.

If Ethan was here he'd be trying to convince me to go.

Scratch that. If Ethan was here, I'd still be a people person, and I wouldn't think twice about going.

I know Ethan would've wanted me to go but I just can't. What if I meet someone that I end up liking? They'll end up being taken from me just like Ethan was. Or maybe they'll leave me like dad did after Ethan died. The only reason I let West in is because he's the only person other than mom that stayed with me afterwards. I don't think I'll be able to take another person being taken from me.

Besides. I'm doing just fine by myself anyways.

So let's people watch. There's a little girl, about seven years old, looking a bit daunted. Okay. I may be cold, but I'm not heartless. I feel bad for her. I just offered her a relatively warm smile, and she smiled back and seemed to ease up a little bit.

There's a girl who looks to be in her late twenties getting kinda cozy with a guy that's got his arm around her. He's looking at her like I suppose you wait forever to be looked at. She's looking at him the exact same way. I don't know whether to be weirded out or to feel happy for them. Both, I guess.

A guy, who I'd figure to be nineteen, is looking just plain tired of life. I know the look well; I wear it all the time myself.

A woman in her mid-forties is holding a monstrosity of a bag, and it's literally almost twice the size of her midsection.

A man in his fifties wearing a business suit that makes him look like an Upper East Sider.

In the corner there's a small cluster of girls that all have on band tee shirts. They're looking at a phone that the girl in the center is holding and giggling. They must be like, sevenths graders, if I had to guess.

If Ethan was here, he'd be doing something stupid. Not people-watching.

If West was here, I think he'd be doing a combination of both.

If dad were here, he'd be scrolling through the NFL app on his phone and pointing out good things different articles say about the Giants.

I'm alone though, and I'm people watching.

Or at least, I was. The subway's gonna stop soon. I'll probably write when I get back home.

•

<ANELIESE>

So now it's 6:28 pm. Before I came to the Met I went home and picked up my favorite longboard. I've finished my homework, and I just arrived at the Empire State Building after a relatively short subway ride.

Before I begin my continuation of my adventure down 5th Avenue, let me tell you about my time in the Met courtyard.

Like a half hour into my homework, a cute guy sat down across from me and proceeded to totally ignore me and focus all of his attention on his phone. So I, in turn, ignored him. That is, until he looked up from his phone and said, "Hey. I'm Xander."

I paused my homework and looked back at him. "Hello, uh, I'm Ana." I responded.

He smiled warmly at me. "You doing homework?"

My social anxiety, as always, did not manage to escape me, so instead of stuttering out an answer, I simply nodded.

His smile stayed on his handsome face. "Do you like to do your homework here? I have a friend who comes here to do her homework every Monday."

I knew he was trying to get me to speak actual words back to him, so I gave in. "Yeah," I managed to choke out. "I mean, I only just started coming here yesterday, but I think that it'll become a regular thing."

He nodded, satisfied that I'd actually answered him. "I can see why people like it here. I think the waterfall's kinda relaxing." He pointed over his shoulder at the fountain in the front yard of the Met.

"Yeah," I replied. "It is. So, uh..." I paused, trying to find a way to carry the conversation. "You live here? In Manhattan?"

Xander shook his head. "I'm from Staten Island. I'm gonna meet a friend here in like fifteen minutes. That's why I'm here."

With a slow nod, I was like, "Ahhh. I see."

With that, an awkward silence ensued, and I took the opportunity to get back to my history homework until Xander slid his phone across the table. A bit nervously, he asked, "I uh... I think you're really pretty and I'd really like it if you gave me your number."

I nearly choked when he asked that. So after a few seconds, I started stuttering, "I, um, I-I don't really give my n-number out to people. S-sorry."

Instead of reacting unkindly like I'd thought he would, he simply gave me an easygoing smile. "That's alright." Xander eased his phone back across the table. "With a pretty girl like you, it was worth it just to talk to you."

I, much to my own embarrassment, started blushing profusely at his statement. To cover it up, I swiftly looked back down and resumed doing my homework. I stole a couple more glances at Xander before the friend he was waiting for came along and stole him away. Well, I shouldn't say "stole him." His friend met up with him and they left, that's more like it.

And I finished my homework like fifteen minutes ago. Then I hopped on my skateboard and went 4 blocks up and 3 blocks over to the nearest subway station. Got on the subway, then rode it to a station 2.5 blocks from the ESBuilding. Then I got on my skateboard again and rode it here, and I shall now continue my adventure down 5th Avenue.

6:39//Pizza place 1 block after ESB

6:41// BBQ place 2 blocks past ESB

        //Bakery on opposite side of same block

6:50// Pizza place, coffee house, 7 blocks past ESB

        //Cafe on opposite side of same block

Ok i'm finding more today... that's good....

–••

<JONATHAN>

So I said I'd probably write when I got home but I'm still at the gelato place.

There was a very sweet old lady that must've seen the I-hate-life-look on my face and she gave me my gelato on the house. Although, when she wasn't looking I went back to the counter and made sure I left a hefty tip on her behalf.

They've got the Wii theme song on loop. Even though it brings back memories of when Ethan and I were younger, it's oddly relaxing. I like it.

I think people always expected me to be the type of guy to just say, "Life goes on" instead of retreating into myself like I've done. I've learned that life does go on... it's just one of the most painful things to watch it pass you by without someone you love in the picture.

Oddly enough, I never cried. When I was looking at him in a hospital bed and he flatlined, I didn't cry. When I delivered the news to my parents, I didn't cry. During the funeral I didn't cry. When dad left I didn't cry.

I don't know why I never cried.

I think it finally hit me why I hate the fact that the subway girl, Annalise, sits in my spot. It's because that's always where I'd sit when Ethan was still here. And he'd always sit in the spot where I'm resigned to sitting now.

I can deal, though. I always do.

So... onto lighter topics, I guess. My hair's getting longer. It always flops into my eyes and I have to shove it back and mess with it to keep it atop my head. Around the time that Ethan died, I'd just gotten a buzzcut. I kinda like it this way, all floppy and long.

I think I'll walk part of the way home. Then I may or may not write when I get home.

(I know I always say I may or may not then I do. Force of habit, I guess.)

•••

<ANELIESE>

6:57//a place called Eataly nine blocks past ESB

7:00//a French bakery, a sandwich shop, a Fijufilm photo shop (!!!) 10 blocks past ESB

         //A cafe on the opposite side of the same block

7:03//a coffee shop 11 shops past ESB, and the sun's starting to set

7:06//another coffee shop 12 blocks past ESB

7:09//pizza parlor 13 blocks past ESB

7:20//book store 18 blocks past ESB, and the sun's gone, although it's still a little light out

7:24//pizzeria 20 blocks past ESB

7:26//5th Avenue ends here, in front of a park.

So. Tomorrow I'll go the opposite direction on 5th Avenue. Instead of going south from the Met Museum, I'll go North and traverse the Upper East Side.

The closest subway station to here is 4 blocks east of here and one block north.

I have to do a few transfers. I did yesterday too, but after missing my stop yesterday night I'm a bit paranoid about it. I mean, after all, I've only been riding subways for two days.

I feel bad for my dad. The cost of living is uber expensive in the boroughs of New York, and since we moved up a month ago, he's spent most of his nights working late. He earns a decent amount, but he wants to have a surplus in case anything goes wrong. He doesn't like dealing with his insurance company.

He's working late tonight, so I've got even more time to kill. Instead of skateboarding to the subway station I think I'll walk.

–•–

<JONATHAN>

So I'm back home. Mom's not here, as always. Well, ever since dad left at least. He was the one who paid for our apartment and now that he's gone, Mom has to take care of everything. She now works twice as hard for almost twice as long. I feel bad for her.

Since our apartment's on the corner of our row, we get the fire ladders on the side of our house. Dad never used to let me sit out there, but when he and mom fell asleep on nights that I couldn't sleep, I'd sneak onto the landing and just stare at the sky. Since, of course, it's New York, there's usually not many visible stars, but looking up at the sky is still very relaxing.

Since dad's gone, though, I've sat out there almost every night. I've actually fallen asleep out there a couple times.

The only thing I don't like about our landing is that there's a girl in the grade below me who has this affinity for sitting out on her landing, which is over mine, and singing to herself. She's not bad, don't get me wrong, it just bothers me whenever I just want to sit out there in silence.

I just got my cards and hopped out onto the landing. Conveniently, it's right outside my bedroom window, so it's an easy-access thing.

The girl I mentioned is out, singing, but since I'm not in a particularly foul mood today, I really don't mind. She's actually singing a song that I like: Cigarette Daydreams by Cage the Elephant.

I'm gonna start playing solitaire and keep listening to this chick.

–•–

<ANELIESE>

7:42//a Ramen place, a coffee shop, and a Chinese tea shop one block east of Washington Square Arch, and the sky's totally dark

7:46//(yet another) pizza parlor

7:50//a soup and burger place near the intersection of Waverly Pl and Broadway

And nowww I'm at the subway station so I'll write later.

•–•

<JONATHAN>

It's like 8:15 now and the sky's dark. The sun set like an hour ago. I kept playing solitaire until the girl upstairs went back in her room. She doesn't have the best voice I've ever heard but it was definitely soothing in a weird way.

Now I'm sitting in Ethan's room for no apparent reason. I got rid of all his stuff a while back, but his bed is still there and it still smells like him.

I just read through his old journal for about the millionth time. The main reason I started keeping my own journal is because of the fact that Ethan had one. I only found out about it after he died, and I guess it kinda inspired me.

Let me just say, I never knew how often Ethan got wasted. A good quarter of his entries are almost indecipherable. Of course, I went to parties with him, but we always used to find different ways to get home to avoid suspicion, and I almost never checked on him afterwards.

It's been one and a half years since Ethan died. One year since dad left. Worst eighteen months of my life.

Anyways. I think I'll make dinner for Mom while listening to the Ocean's Twelve soundtrack and be a good, helpful child.

–••

<ANELIESE>

I'm home. Dad's not. It's 9:17.

I was listening to a Two Door Cinema Club album on my way home on the subway. A teenage guy who looked like a younger version of Toulour from Ocean's Twelve was sitting across from me after my last transfer, and he was watching some sci-fi thriller movie at a very loud volume.

There was a girl, in about the eighth grade, who was clearly a germaphobe, sitting next to me. Before she sat down she wiped her seat with antibacterial wipes. Every time someone sneezed, coughed, laughed, or sniffled, she whipped out hand sanitizer and slathered it all over her hands and forearms. She reminded me of Monk. Y'know, from the tv sitcom Monk from a while back?? He's one of my all-time favorite tv characters.

In all honesty, I was beyond thankful that no one there gave me the stink eye my whole ride. I get that enough from Subway-Jonathan.

In my mind I keep going back to that boy I met in the Met courtyard, Xander. I keep wondering if it would've been so bad to give him my number, but then I remember the world of pain that Dustin put me through and I dismiss the idea. Quoting Paramore, I'll be content with loneliness because none of it will ever be worth the risk. I am a-okay without a boy in my life. I will be a-okay.

So after I got off the subway I skateboarded home instead of walking or taking the bus. 51st Street, that's where I live. Two blocks from the nearest subway station, so it wasn't really a long way off.

After I got home I took a short shower and changed into my New York Giants pj bottoms and a red tank top. (Part of the reason my dad wanted to move up here after what happened is because our family have always been die-hard Giants fans.) Then I heated up some pizza in the oven for myself, and then I heated one up for Dad. Since I don't know what time he'll be home, I took the pizza out of the oven to let it cool off for a bit, then when it started getting chilly put it back in the oven because it was still warm, and will probably stay warm until Dad gets back.

Then I spent about ten minutes reminiscing about when Angie was still my best friend and we had conversations deep into the morning about my feelings for Dustin. We spent years doing that until he finally asked me to be his.

I'm not one to regret. But that's one thing I'll always wish I would've said no to. The one thing I'll always want to go back and change. If I had, my life would still be normal. I'd be ok. I wouldn't have social anxiety or trust issues. I'd be just like any other girl.

But I'm not. That's what pisses me off the most when I think about Dustin now.

Ugh. I have to stop going around and around about it in my mind. I'll probably only make it worse.

Gotta get over it.

Gotta get over it.

Umm... it's 9:28 now. I figure since I have to wake up early I'll go to bed now. Night.

—

A/N

Hello!! So I finally posted part 2 of the story!! I had writers block for almost a week, so I'm sorry that it's kinda late :/ But hey! At least I posted something, lol.

So?? Feedback?? Comments and votes are very appreciated :)

Which of the places that Aneliese named would you like to go visit the most? Personally, I wanna spend allll my money to find out which pizza place she mentioned is the best. 

So I went to see Hamilton and it's safe to say I've become a Hamilfan. Like, I've downloaded the entire 46-song soundtrack on my phone and I can't get enough of it. Lin-Manuel Miranda was a genius to dream it up. I loved it. For those of you who haven't seen it yet and have the ability to—I HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!

~Alex