~Chapter 19~

Reality was a bitch.

It hadn't been that long before I was needed back in New York. I'd delayed the inevitable for as long as possible but my agent was getting restless so after only a few short weeks I had to leave London and fly back to the United States.

Although I wasn't a fan of my old residence, it made me feel closer to Zack so being pulled away didn't sit very well with me and to say I was on edge was a massive understatement. I hadn't slept well at all since returning — in fairness, I hadn't been sleeping much since that dreaded day anyway but not having Zack close to me was making each day so much harder to bear.

November just hadn't been my month and it'd only just started. Everything that could possibly go wrong in the last few weeks had and to top it all off my music video with Damien released today. If that didn't set the tone for an awful end of the year I wasn't sure what did.

Normally, I would've been ecstatic about the video coming out but the media were having a field day trying to create fake stories about us and I was beyond tired of the whole ordeal. To add a cherry to this dessert, I was going on a press date with Damien later to increase the talk around our video; PR was such a nightmare.

I knew I sounded ungrateful and whiny and I hated that. The media didn't tend to bother me much anymore because I'd built such a thick skin but since Zack, I'd been feeling more vulnerable and exposed than ever and I just didn't know how to handle everything anymore.

I didn't feel like myself and even the tiniest of issues was getting to me; my perfect facade was slipping fast and the cracks beneath were beginning to show.

~*~*~

I added slightly more foundation and concealer than usual that evening as I got ready for my 'date'.

I was meeting Damien at a gorgeous restaurant on the outskirts of Manhattan in about forty-five minutes so it was almost time to leave. It was obvious enough that the paparazzi would find out but not so central that we'd be swarmed — a good choice on my agents part.

After swiping a rather thick coat of mascara on my eyelashes and grabbing my warm khaki jacket, I headed out of my apartment and to where my driver, Diana, was waiting for me in my car.

This 'date' wasn't exactly something I was looking forward to but at least it was a chance to catch up with my friend despite the unusual circumstances.

Damien was already there by the time I arrived (exactly on time in my defence, he was just early), dressed smartly in a crisp blue shirt and black dress trousers.

We were seated in a secluded area at the back of the restaurant but it was still obvious that we'd been spotted. I saw people's poorly timed glances and loud whispers — most people were never as inconspicuous as they liked to believe. Nevertheless, at least they had the courtesy to not disturb us and let us get on with our evening — that was something I couldn't be more grateful for.

Damien and I chatted animatedly for the majority of the evening, firing witty remarks at one another in an attempt to make the 'date' seem not as strange.

He'd been a close friend for a good portion of my life so the words flowed easily but not as easily as they should've done.

Damien and I had a past. It was a dark time in both our lives that we tried to forget but settings like this brought the memories to the forefront of my mind, making the surrounding atmosphere slightly tense but in an almost unnoticeable way.

We had had a fling when we were seventeen after some bad things in both of our lives. For me, it was my breakup with River and all the repercussions that followed from that fiasco and for him, it was to move on from his cheating girlfriend.

Although we were close, I didn't know all the details of what had happened; it was something Damien didn't like to talk about but I knew it was messy. Apparently she had had an ongoing relationship with his older brother over the course of their nearly three-year relationship. Safe to say it wasn't a pretty ending when he found out.

Because of what had happened, Damien and I decided to get together to help us move on. It didn't exactly work, on my end at least, but at the time it was a welcomed distraction from the horror unfolding in my own life.

When I was with Damien, I was in a safe place. One with no judgment or expectations where we were both free. It was a liberating experience after the controlling nature of my last relationship but I knew my feelings for Damien didn't run deep in that way.

Luckily, he felt the same and when I moved away we ended things on healthy terms. We were never an official couple, seeing as neither of us wanted that commitment, but I was still relieved it hadn't driven a wedge between our close friendship. After everything that had happened, I couldn't have lost another friend.

However, that didn't stop us hooking up whenever our paths crossed which was more frequent than you might've thought. Call it an old habit but neither of us wanted to give that up. I supposed it was a security blanket of some sort, a comfort I wasn't ready to let go of.

Damien and I had helped each other through so much and neither of us were willing to let go of that completely and that was where the confusion of our current relationship stepped in even if there were never romantic feelings involved.

We hadn't hooked up during our last encounter in a Paris, a first for us, and I wasn't in the mood to do it this time either. I mean, my brother had died and I hadn't been feeling much like myself since. All the urges and desires I'd had seemed to fly out of the window, leaving behind the shell I'd become.

Damien knew and of course was completely fine with it — I didn't think he wanted to either after losing Zack; the two were close, friends since they were in nappies and that sort of loss wasn't easy for him to deal with either.

However, I knew he felt that underlying tension too, that slight stiffness in the air that neither of us were able to discuss. It almost made me want to kiss him, to forget about the people watching and to lose myself in the moment but I was smarter than that.

The nature of our relationship didn't need to be public knowledge and no matter how desperately our agents wanted it, Damien and I would never be a thing — we just didn't see each other like that.

Right now though, my rationality was being tested. With all the heartache in my life, I wanted a distraction. I needed one but something was stopping me from getting intimate with Damien again. As if my mind was telling me that that wouldn't solve the problem.

Just like when we were seventeen, being with him never solved my problems. It only distracted me by putting them on the back burner in my mind, something I knew wouldn't help this time.

As cliche as it sounded, I was older and wiser than when I was a teenager and I didn't want to make those same mistakes again. Although it was exhilarating to forget about my problems, it never actually fixed the issues in my head. At the time, I hadn't given myself the opportunity to heal and that damaged me for a long time to come.

Even now, I wished I'd handled everything differently and so I refused to fall into the same trap again. I couldn't forget about my problems this time. That was not what Zack would have wanted.

"Harper," Damien said after finishing his main course, sounding slightly more serious than before and I hummed in response, lifting a glass of red wine to my lips. "I know our dynamic is kinda weird and all but I want you to know that I do care about you a lot.

"Regardless of everything between us, you've been my friend since we were kids so I'll always be here for you. I know you're the type to put on a strong front and pretend your fine but I can see past that smile. You're not happy — I mean that's obvious — but you don't have to pretend all the time.

"It's way too hard to be strong all the time. Heck, I've not been able to do it. Zack... Zack meant a lot to all of us, you especially, so it's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry. I know you're not the type to share your feelings all that much but if you ever want someone to talk to I'm here, Harps. I'm here. Always."

My heart warmed at his words. I knew I wasn't alone in this. I'd known that from the get-go but it was nice to hear those words, to know that my endless sadness and emptiness wasn't irrational.

Unfortunately, Maddie, Winter and Liam didn't know Zack too well so it was harder to talk to them about everything. I knew they were all there for me but it didn't feel right whenever I spoke about him to them. They didn't know what an amazing person he was or shared any memories with him. But both Damien and Axel knew Zack so well. They shared countless memories with him like I did and they knew the pain of losing him. I supposed having them grieve alongside me made me feel not as alone in all of this.

Damien saying all this to me only made me want to sleep with him more. Shit. I was going to have to stop drinking wine — it always did this to me.

This caring compassionate side made him all the more attractive but I couldn't let my vulnerable state sway me. I had to stay strong. Now wasn't the time to get caught up in old feeling; I'd only regret it tomorrow, I knew that.

So despite my mind begging to let go, I ignored my urges and didn't invite Damien home with me that night. Instead, I did what any grown woman would do.

I hugged my pillow much too tightly — I was surprised the feathers didn't burst out — and I cried.

I cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left inside.

I cried all my pent up feeling out, letting the tears stain my bedsheets.

It felt good to cry, to let everything out but only in private. No one needed to see this. No matter how much Damien tried to reassure me otherwise, this was something I had to deal with on my own — to some degree at least.

No one needed to see me cry. I was stronger than that.

~*~*~

So hopefully you enjoyed the chapter. Let me know what you thought of it :)

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Until next time, bye xx