New Year's Eve finally came round which means I'm heading home in less than a hour, it makes me so happy going home but I still am pretty poorly. I couldn't wait to get home so I can have cuddles with Emilia and Eduardo. Tonight was worrying me though, I was excited to see tom, Zoe and Joe but getting together with all the other youtubers is scary, I know they all know now but that doesn't help me getting anxious that something will go wrong.

"Elizabeth are you dressed we're leaving soon" I heard Tami call through the Shut door.

"Just getting ready, I'll be down soon" I responded quitely as I pulled on a pair of black leggings. Tami left the corridor and I could finish dressing myself. I pulled on a Christmassy t-shirt which said 'happy cookie binge season' and three cooking on it. I clipped my pineapple phone case onto my phone and pulled my hair into a half up, half down messy bun.

Once I had got dressed I went downstairs to get my shoes and my bag since they were in contraband with the rest of my things which weren't allowed to be in my room. I was ready to go so when I was ready Tami my nurse took me home. The car ride was boring and stressful as I began worrying about the party tonight.

"Are you alright Elizabeth?" Tami asked me as she sat in the front of the mini bus heading home.

"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" I questioned her making out everything was fine, I didn't want to talk to her so I popped my headphones into my ears and listened to music all the way home. Once the car pulled up outside the driveway I got out the car picked my bag up and buzzed to be allowed in. Dad let us in and I was immediately greeted by our six doggies and my little brother and sister.

"I've missed you Essie" Emilia whispered into my ear as I held her on my hip after hugging her.

"I missed you too Emilia" I grinned kissing her forehead. Tami gave Mum and dad my meds and told them the usual.

"If you need anything over the next few days phone in, whatever it may be" Tami explained and I rolled my eyes, the amount of times I have heard that is unreal. When I phone in they do nothing anyway, lately they have been putting this down to behaviour but it's not.

"Bye" I waved before putting Emilia down and going with both of my siblings into the living room. I knelt down and began playing with them, I needed some time to relax before being questioned about the last few days which Mum and dad both do when I get home for home leave.

"Essie we don't want you to go again, we want you to stay so we can play more with you" Eduardo told me and I looked down, I wish they understood more about what's wrong with me but not even I understand.

"I have to mate. I need to get better but I promise I'll get better soon and then we can play as much as you both want" I reassured my siblings. I soon went to see Mum and dad, dad had vlogged alittle when I was talking to Emilia and Eduardo, I didn't mind anymore, I'm not going to be defined by my mental health, I'm not going to be ashamed and I've been supported by our fans and by so many youtubers.

"So Tami was telling us you kicked off last night?" Dad spoke with the camera now off and I looked down, it was complicated but I knew I'd have to tell my parents the truth about what actually happened.

"I had to get out, I tried taking staff keys, I had to get restrained. I don't even know what set me off, one minute I was fine the next I was flying off the handle" I sighed explaining to my mum and dad what happened last night, they didn't look too pleased with me but it wasn't my fault.

"Don't do it again Elizabeth, you want to come home don't you?" Mum asked and I nodded of corse I did.

"I do Mum I really do" I whispered feeling disappointed in myself. I decided to take a five minute break and headed up to my room. I decided to check social media since I can't get online while at the unit. I went into Snapchat and sent my streaks which Tom had been keeping for me, after Snapchat I decided to respond to some texts.

From Tom🙊😻

I miss you baby, can't wait to see you tonight at the party. It will be alright I promise, love you ❤️xx

The text brought a smile to my face, tom really does know the best ways to make me happy

To Tom🙊😻

I miss you so much my tommy bear, I'm scared about tonight, my first big due/ party type thing I've been to since being unwell, love you more 😘💖xxxx

From Tom🙊😻

I won't leave your side the whole night if I have to, I promise. We will get trough this babygirl I love you more than you can imagine ❤️xx

To Tom🙊😻

Okay, thank you baby. Talk later in going out to the park with Emilia and Eduardo 💖xxxx

I left toms texts and moved on to braskas, she had been keeping in contact so much and I couldn't be more grateful for her also helping me through this.

From MyBezzo👭😘

Hey girly, how are you doing. I hope you've had a great Christmas and going to have a good new year tonight. I miss you so much and can't wait untill your back on your feet. When Your on home leave maybe I could pop round to visit? 🤞🏼 I love you Bezzo xxx

To MyBezzo👭😘

Thank you Bezzo. I miss you too, I'm on home leave now. I would love to see you before I have to go back to the unit xxx

After texting my best friend and boyfriend I plugged my phone into charge and left my room and went back downstairs, I was a lot calmer now.

"I'm ready to go to the park now" I spoke entering the living room where Mum was with the little ones. I smiled weakly sitting down beside her, her bump was beginning to show and I was excited to have another baby sister and it Honestly was something to look forward to.

"Essie when we at the park we go on the roundabout together?" Emilia asked me giggling making me smile and nod simply.

"Okay, Eduardo do you want to join us when we get their?" I asked my little brother who was playing with one of Emilia barbie dolls.

"Yessss!" He shouted making me laugh. Dad soon came in vlogging once again and we all got ready to leave, I slipped a coat on and went to the garden. Emilia and Eduardo were using their scooters since we were walking to the park. Once we got to the park I went and played with my siblings but made sure I was in eye-site of my parents since I've got to have 24/7 supervision. I let Emilia and Eduardo get into the roundabout and begin spinning it. A few hours later we were back home, had eaten lunch and I was now getting ready to shower. I was in the My bathroom as I began washing my hair and body getting ready for tonight.

"What should I wear?" I think out loud as I finally wrapped my mint green towel around myself and opened my wardrobe. I pulled a coral skater skirt lot along with my 'nothing but blue skies ahead' t-shirt. I got a simple cardigan out to cover my arms. I continued to dry myself all while deciding on my accessories.

"Elizabeth you've got fourth five minutes then we're going to be leaving" I heard Mum call up the stairs from the second floor. I dried myself before pulling my underwear on along with my skirt and top. I sat down in front of my vanity and clipped my half moon choker around my neck and added my silver stared earrings to my ears. I brushed my notty hair and took my time to French braid my hair. I left my pineapple case on my phone and looked myself up and down in the mirror.

After getting dressed I slipped my pale pink converse onto my feet and laced them up. I looked in the mirror once more and took a deep breath. I wasn't ready for the party tonight, I made my way downstairs, the nerves continued to overwhelm me, I crouched down and sat on the stairs shaking slightly.

"El you Okay princess?" Dad questioned me and I closed my eyes, I felt like I was drowning, like the walls were closing in.

"I'm scared daddy" I whispered with tears threatening to spill. Dad came through the stair gates and sat down beside me pulling me into his side.

"I know this is overwhelming. It's your first big meeting since you became ill but you've got me, Tom and evreyone. We're all supporting you. None of the others will judge you if you don't communicate with them. They will understand" dad explained kissing my forehead gently.

"They are telling me that I'll just mess everything up, I don't think I can do it Dad" I mumbled trying not to cry, I didn't want to smudge my make up.

"You don't have to stay till midnight like you wanted to. I know you wanted to stay with Tom for the night, I know Zoe and Alfie agreed for you to stay round theirs for the night but you don't have to it's completely up to you princess" dad explain to me and I nodded, after the reassurance I felt better. I went into the kitchen and grabbed myself bottle of water. Mum packed my night and morning meds aswell as my PRN into her handbag as we all began to get ready for the party. Emilia was wearing a coral dress which matched my skirt, Eduardo was wearing a pair of denim stretchy jeans with a navy top over the top.

"Right lets get in the car" I heard dad say while vlogging. Emilia and Eduardo ran to the gate while I walked slowly towards the gate. The journey to Brighton bored me, I listened to music humming along slightly untill we finally pulled up outside a community hall.

"It will be alright Essie" Emilia smiled taking my hand, how did she know I was worried. I smiled weakly as we both got out the car and she took my hand again, how could a four year old be much smarter and confident than me, it just wasn't fair.

"Hey guys" I heard a recognisable voice, it was Tom. I turned around saw Tom; he walked down the steps of the community centre, I ran into my boyfriends arms smiling

"I missed you" I wispered snuggling my head into his neck, I felt safe in his arms like nothing could get to me. Tom took me inside where their already was Tanya, Jim, Zoe, Joe and Alfie along with myself, Tom, Mum, dad, Emilia and Eduardo.

"Hey Eliza, how are you doing?" Zoe and Tanya both asked at the same time, the question I hated more than anything, I'm asked more than anything on the unit I've come to manage to lie when I'm not done and actually tell the truth when I am fine.

" I'm fine thank you guys" I answered sounding overwhelmed by the thought of partying with the youtubers who all know about my situation.

"Here are Essie's meds incase she stays the night" Mum explained to Zoe who takes them and puts them in her bag, soon Dan, Phil and Marcus join the party and I feel the need to take a PRN so I ask Mum for it and take it. Tom and myself begin dancing and spend hours doing so, it was soon 9:30 when top stopped the music

"I'm sorry to interrupt your fun but I've got something to say" Tom announced.

"Elizabeth your the strongest girl I know, going through everything you have done this year, that's why I've got you a bunch of presents but theirs this one which I want to give you now" Tom smiled and I frowned as all eyes faced me.

"I brought this for you because I wanted to make this a night to remember. It's a promise ring" Tom smiled as he came towards me and pulled me into a hug and then pulled out a golden rose ring. I felt awkward as all eyes were in me, the ring was gorgeous and I loved it

"I promise you that I won't let you go through any of this alone. I'm always going to be by your side. I love you Elizabeth Sacconejoly and I'm never going to leave your side" Tom kissed. I went into the hallway feeling overwhelmed by the fact evreyone was looking at me. I took the presents Tom gave me and sat down as I was joined by Tom, I opened them all and smiled, he got me a small bag, three cases, my favourite had to be the pink and white fluffy case. I also a pair of pastel seade converse and a flamingo pillow.

"Wow Tom" I whispered unable to think straight. I was having a good time but I couldn't think straight, I was enjoying myself but I was extremely worried that something was going to go wrong, I was already going down hill and it was going to be rapidly if I knew my own mind.

"You are doing amazingly baby, I'm so proud of you" Tom smiled towards me and I thanked him. I spent the rest of the night having fun even after Mum and dad left. Tom supported me to Midnight and that's when it changed. The chimes at midnight happened and the fireworks started exploding in the air. I covered my ears and began pacing.

"Baby it's alright" Tom took me back inside the community centre as I continued to pace, the explosions echoed in my ears as Tom took my hands and sat me down; he pulled me into his lap and wrapped his arms around me as I rocked in his arms, I soon began crying and getting myself worked up, I couldn't cope with it all.

"Elizabeth look at me, your okay, I'm okay, evreyone here are okay" tom tried to reassure me but it didn't help, I ended up kicking of, not meaning to, not even remembering why something just snapped in my head and I was a mess. All the adults came back into the centre and Zoe saw me having a meltdown. Zoe usurerd evreyone into the room next door to get them away from me throwing things and having my melt down.

"Eliza, calm down alright, we're going to go home now" Zoe tried to snap me out of my meltdown but I was paceing and throwing things. After a good half hour I was calm, I took a PRN and then my night meds as we got back to the Zalfie household.

I just had to mess everything up which wasn't the best of things to do, I felt so guilty for messing up everyone's night.

A/N

Poor Elizabeth, she is a mess but can she continue to face the demons inside her own head. I've gave this disclaimer so many times but once again I know what I'm talking about but it doesn't matter how ony people o truely trust knows

Keep your eyes pealed for more updates from me

Bye

~ Jess x