A long time ago Levi had told me that you can tell that you're in love when you start to find someone cute who is objectively not.

if that's the case i've been in love for a long time

The problem is that Ymir is cute.

"You look concerned," Hannes chuckled, setting a steaming mug of tea down in front of me.

I AM

"Do you think Ymir is cute?" I blurted out.

this guy has heard about all of my woes- what's the point in hiding it any longer

"Cute? That's a first."

DEAR LORD I'VE FALLEN TOO DEEP

"Well I mean she's objectively attractive- I've just been struck by the fact that I find her cute."

levi was right i really am hopeless

god's weakest soldier

no more battles im tired

"Is that such a problem? I assume she thinks the same thing about you."

GAHHH

"I mean- I am cute."

"Alright," he shot me a smile, "I think you need to get back to that boat."

"I'm scared about what I'm going to do."

i'm not as mad as i was last night

my feelings have cooled

only to be replaced with fear, shock, and confusion

the soul crushing realization that i have feelings other than attraction

whatever will i do

"Well, it's been nice having you but I'm not interested in my establishment getting destroyed when she inevitably comes barreling in here looking for you."

that's fine

i'm honestly surprised she hasn't run after me already

has he considered that maybe i want to be chased after

"Alright- I'll get out of your hair."

"Go back to the ship, it's dangerous."

that's what everyone keeps on saying

"I'll take the long way back."

"Walk as fast as you can, I don't want to see this town destroyed while she looks for you."

"Ok fine- I get it you want me to confess to her."

"You're smarter than I gave you credit for."

"Thanks for the tea and the room."

and i guess the advice

"Get back safe."

"I'll try," the door swung shut behind me.

he's right i definitely worried her

and everyone else on the crew

i should get back

i'll take the long way

but i'll walk fast

I began retracing our steps from the other day, walking past the restaurant we got brunch at, before wandering through and endless maze of alleyways to the small courtyard we spent the end of our date at.

i kinda ruined it didn't i

i should apologize

for everything

"There's still no one here," I muttered to myself, sitting down at the bench. "I guess I shouldn't really be surprised- it's hard to get here."

i feel bad

i feel a lot of things

i love her

i think i love her

i love her and i hate this

when you put it like that it really doesn't feel so complicated

but when you really think about it-

it's so complicated it hurts

that thing hannes said-

'Why you would run away from home only to refuse to take anymore risks, you've already said fuck it to your future- why hesitate now?' His voice rang in my head.

because it's someone else's future

she can think for herself can't she

i don't want to hurt her- even if she says it won't

you sound like your father

i do don't i?

"That's so frustrating," I laughed to myself, "everyone else was right."

i think too much

"I should go back."

i've done enough thinking

"Oh," I heard a near inaudible gasp from behind me.

i think i know who that is- i should ignore it

"Fuck, I lied earlier didn't I," the voice continued to mumble as I stood up and began the trek down to the ship.

what did you lie about ymir?

"I guess there is one person who hates me here."

oh shut up

"That's an awful thing to assume," I called out, without looking back.

i have never hated you

"Now how would you know that?" The voice followed me as I took my time walking back down winding streets.

i think i would

"I could ask the same thing to you, how do you know that?"

"I mean, it seemed like a fair assumption."

"Well it's not, you didn't even ask my opinion before you said it."

"So, do you hate me?"

"I don't hate you."

"But?"

"There is no but, I don't hate you."

"See- I'm still having a hard time believing that."

"You should believe me."

"Why?"

"You should believe me because I'm telling the truth," a loud burst of laughter from behind me followed my statement.

"How can I know that when you won't look at me?"

"I thought you trusted me?"

"Can you look at me?"

"That isn't really an answer-"

"Neither is that."

"Touche," I stopped in my tracks, the footsteps behind me stopped in sync.

"So?"

"Ymir, I don't hate you I-" I turned around, taken aback by the dark circles under her eyes, the way that her hair stuck up at all angles, and her cautious smile. "Don't look at me like that."

"That's a bit unfair of you to ask."

"Ymir, I don't hate you."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

"You stormed out last night- I was worried- did Hannes treat you well?"

"He gave me a room, you followed me?"

"I was worried."

i was worried about hurting you feeling in the future

why did it not dawn on me that

while that might not happen- i'm hurting you now

"Ymir, I don't hate you because I love you."

"Oh."

"That's not the reaction I was hoping for."

"You- are you sure?"

"I hope so, I only just got comfortable saying it so I hope it's true."

"That's a relief-" she laughed loudly, "I was sure you hated me."

"I didn't, not for a second."

"I find that a little hard to believe."

"I don't hate you- I love you."

"That's good, I love you too."

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bad news! i may skip the update for next week because i'll be traveling back to school from break - ty for your patience lol

- ami