[Before I start with this, none of this applies to ANY of you guys! You all are awesome.]

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So.
I'm an aromantic, asexual, transgender non-binary. A mouthful, I know. Right now gender identity isn't what i'm concerned about so we'll just say aromantic asexual.

I don't have romantic feelings towards anyone and I experience no sexual attraction, I just vibe. I mean, I could totally marry someone...platonically. Like, normal people kiss their partners, but if I ever get a parter, I shall do forehead mwa's.

I'm just a bit confused and lost because ofc I was thinking for a while and when I think for a while this happens and then I go to write it down and away goes the ideas and words despite the fact that I had exactly what I wanted to say 3 seconds ago and there's my adhd getting sidetracked again.

Anyways, I've never had a genuine crush on anyone, most of it was just me being like "woah, everybody's having partners and crushes and stuff! That's what *normal* people do!" And deciding, "yeah, i can do that!"

But, like...I still want a partner. And I feel a bit lonely in that sense. I feel like I'm never going to find anyone. I always say that I'm a single pringle that doesn't want to mingle, but I do. I want to feel what it's like to have a partner, to want to spend the rest of my life with one person and all of that stuff but like, platonically. And it's weird and I'm just confused because I don't think I know anyone else atm who's aro/ace and even when I do I haven't met anyone who feels the same way I do. I feel alone.

And I want to make the feeling go away but I don't know how, but I also don't want to keep it in but I can't talk to anybody because my parents, while they aren't homophobic, don't think I'm 'old enough' to be getting into such things and even after it was revealed that i was nb, they never really took it seriously and honestly I'm not sure if they forgot, they think that it's a phase, or they're purposely avoiding it. Once again, alone.

And I'm confused on an emotional level, I legitimately feel like crying and it's really weird to me because I don't think I've ever cried about something so little like my very sad and disappointing love life.

See, this is why I have like, five friends. Either my friends get tired of me and my bs immediately, or I get really, really clingy and start pouring all of my problems onto them and I try not to do that but nowadays everyone in my school is sad and have low self esteem so at least I'm not alone on that front.

But the worst part is that sometimes I feel like I have to play therapist and I'm really bad at that because it's hard for me to help people when I can't even help myself. Like, I can't even process my chaotic teenager emotions, what makes you think I can handle yours? I will yell at people for you, that is my therapy. You get to see me yell at people.

Of course, I never say that because that's mean and I don't want to be mean. But it's like, my friend Dust will go from Mr. 69420 to depression in like three seconds and I'm just confused and honestly, I kind of feel like I have to cheer him up but I don't know how and it makes me feel sad. And then I feel bad saying that because I'm making it sound like he's weighing me down and he's not, I'm just confused.

And then Dust and Ghost are constantly falling out and it's frustrating and I want to sock both of them in the nose but I won't because I'd get in trouble and also because they're my friends but I still just can't deal with them constantly fighting, it pisses me off being levels that words can express and even though 60% of the time it's joking insults it's spiraled into heated arguments before and I just...no. Stop. Please.

And then I have a really low self esteem but I've been doing my research and I think I might have bdd and I took a test on it and it said there was a possibility but still...undiagnosed. Also all of the BDD studf usually says stuff like "people with BDD tend to spend a lot of time looking at reflective surfaces" but I avoid those because I'm half convinced that every time I look at a mirror the mirror needs therapy afterwards. <3

And I'm not quite on top of all of my grades and stuff and I'm slowly being left behind and I just hate school so much but I like my teachers and my friends and I'm just...I'm having a TIME.

And then at home my brother has taken kindly to picking on me and has switched over t9 actually verbally abusing me so I can accurately say that I am being bullied by someone half my age that's supposed to be supporting me <3

The other day he sent me this-

And honestly I just...can't. I'm done with him and I've been really snappy with him lately and my parents are getting mad at me for it but I just can't. And then when I try to protect him and tell him things for his own health and safety, I still get yelled at, and he's still mean to me. And I feel really unappreciated. And honestly, I'm not even sure if he really meant this or if he was messing around with autocorrect or using speech to text. I just...can't.

And I feel like all of this is really little stuff that I shouldn't be mad or sad about but all of it piled together is just a lot for me and it feels like I'm trying to carry a thousand little things down a huge flight of stairs and I feel like one wrong step is going to send me tumbling down.

But I don't say it because I'm undiagnosed and I'm exaggerating and that other people are going through worse or some people have had several different online tests and it turns out they weren't depressed or anything like that and that because I'm undiagnosed I don't know and for all I know, all of this stuff could be normal and I'm just being a brat about it.

But I needed to get it off my chest, so...there. My vent for today. Not having a great time at school. Friends are a difficult subject. Not even going to delve into the whole stuff about partners again, please no. Being bullied/picked on by someone who can't spell the word 'fork'. Undiagnosed depression, adhd, and ocd.