Keep running. Keep running. Keep running.

I kept repeating it in my head.

I don't know how long its been. I don't know where I am anymore. I don't know where I am going.

But all I do know is that I must keep running.
I don't remember when my legs turned numb from the pain. It might be a few minutes, a few hours or it could even be days.

I don't know anymore.

My breath. Is it there? Am I breathing? I don't know. All I know is to keep running.

My heart. Is it alive? Is it beating?

Well I don't know. But I do know that what you will find there.

Fear.

Pain.

Anger.

Frustration.

Desperation.

Longing.

Dread.

All of this because of one man.

All of this because of his love.

All of this because of his betrayal.

He came into my life, he made his way into my heart, he took my heart , played with it and then stabbed it and left it to suffer.

Keep running. Keep running. Keep running.

I gave him all I had.

I gave him shelter to stay.

I have him food to eat.

I gave him money that I saved and what was the only resource left with me.

I gave him my heart.

I gave him my life.

All in a bloody silver platter. For him to use and throw.

Keep running. Keep running. Keep running.

Was I ever anything to him? Was it all a plan? Was I always a mission? Is that all he came for? To complete a mission?

He could have asked for it when he came to my door that first day , helpless( I wonder if that all was an act) and in need of a roof to shelter him, he could have asked me to give up my life and I would have.

Because then I had nothing to live for. No job. No money. No love. No future. No nothing.

But then he came and warmed his place in my heart. Gave me a reason to live. Gave me the love I craved. Gave me the warmth I desperately wanted.

All to be taken away and broken again.

Keep running. Keep running. Keep running.

I don't even know anymore. What am I running from? I don't know but I must keep running.

I did all that he said. All that he wanted me to do.

He asked me to work in a bar to earn money. I did.

He asked me to sell my belongings to earn money. I did.

He asked me to meet his important friends and please them. I did.

He asked me to make love to him. I did.
I loved him so much !! Everything i did for him. I can't even cry . cause my tears are dried. Cause it hurts to cry.

He asked me to abort our child. Cause we were not ready yet. I did.

Oh my child. I miss it so much. Each day my heart cried for it. It still does.
It would have been such a joy to have it. But now I feel empty.

No emotions. No love. No knowledge. Just like a void.

Keep running. Keep running. Keep running.

The voice in my head keep reminding me. Again and again and again.

Where am I ??!!

My tears are dried. My throat is sand.
My legs are numb. My brain , its shutting down.

I can't keep doing this. I can't keep torturing myself.

I can't let him do this to me .

It is already done. You cant do anything now. Keep running , keep running.

I am broken. I know. I can't be fixed now. He broke me. He broke my heart. But no he had to break my mind. My strong walls. My everything.

He just had to.

Why me? Is it too late for this question? Is it too cliché? Who cares.

Me. Was it because of kindness? Was it because I helped him that day?
Was it because I am always good to everyone? Was it because I was just too good to be left alone ??

Will I know the answer to this questions ?

Provably not.

Do I care now?

Probably yes.

Cause I wanna know , where did I go wrong ? What could I have done differently to avoid this situation?

I feel more broken when I realize that I will never get the answer to these questions !!!

keep running. Keep running. Keep running.

Why am I running ?

Cause it hurts less. Cause when you stop, you can't take it anymore. Cause when you run , you momentarily don't feel the raw emotions.

Right. I am running from myself. Cause I don't trust myself.

Alcohol ?
Doesn't help.

Professional help?
Can't afford.

Friends?
Never had.

Death?
Its close. I can feel it.

Who am I ?
Why me ?
Who have I become?
Why me ?
Is this the end ?
No there is light !!
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Their is hope !!!!
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There is it !!! Go go !!! Take the light !!!
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And then I get sucked into the darkness. The end. The VOID.