Chapter 13

"I’m sorry, Dad, Mom."

​"I know I shouldn’t love him."

​"I promise to keep my distance from Nunew. I can move elsewhere if you wish. I only ask that I be allowed to stay by his side until he recovers."

​Sitting behind the door, Nunew silently reached up to brush away the tears that flowed like a river; his chest ached so much he could hardly breathe. Without a word, he scooped up July from his lap and buried his face in the soft fur. July let out a startled meow, about to struggle and push the wet face away, but the sound of tiny, fragile sniffling filling the room caught his attention. Finally, he slowly lowered his paws.

​Fine, for the sake of his unhappy owner, he’d be a pillow for one night.

​By the time the sniffling faded into silence, a patch of July’s fur was damp. Nunew set his pet down, letting him roam free, while he himself sat motionless.

​Nunew hesitantly reached out to touch the left side of his chest. The smoldering ache there had yet to subside. However, this ache didn't belong to him. It was weeping for Tee.

​Nunew didn't dare imagine what P’Tee had endured for loving him all this time, while he remained completely oblivious. The pressure of moral boundaries. The agony of watching the person he loved be with someone else. The trauma of nearly losing each other to the brink of death.

​Nunew let out a faint laugh through his tears. How could someone like him exist in this world?

​So noble, yet so foolish.

​Nunew sat there regulating his emotions for a long while before slowly standing up. He hesitated for a few seconds, but eventually chose to open the door.

​Hurried footsteps echoed softly in the dark hallway. Nunew stopped in front of a room not far from his own and knocked without hesitation.

​Screech...

​The moment the door swung open, the light from inside cast a soft glow on the tall silhouette before him. Before the other could speak, Nunew couldn't help but throw himself into his arms. Enveloped by the familiar, warm scent, Nunew’s arms tightened their hold.

​"P’Tee..."

​Nunew hid his face in the chest of the man he had been bonded to since his first days in this world, up until this very moment.

​"Don't love me this much," his voice was choked with emotion.

"I’m not worth it."

​The other man stiffened in surprise, but immediately reached out to return the hug. He lowered his eyes, seemingly understanding the reason behind Nunew’s loss of control. He only quietly stroked Nunew’s back, soothing him bit by bit.

​Only when Nunew’s breathing stopped trembling did Tee let him go. He looked down, observing every feature of the person in his arms. His hand gently touched the tear-stained face, cradling it with utmost cherished care.

​"But I find it worth it."

​Gazing into the eyes that were filled only with his reflection, Nunew swallowed the countless words hanging on the tip of his tongue. Finally, he spoke a single, short sentence with all his helplessness and pain.

​"I can’t give you a whole heart."

​If it were the nineteen-year-old Nunew, even if confused by Tee’s sincere feelings, he might not have hesitated to give Tee and himself a chance. Back then, his heart still looked forward to love; he wasn't afraid of being hurt. The worst-case scenario would only have been a breakup, returning to being siblings in name only, wishing each other true happiness.

​However, the current Nunew couldn't do that.

​"I still haven't forgotten that person."

​Without a name being mentioned, Tee still knew who 'that person' was. Nunew closed his eyes, wanting to erase the humiliating reality of the present.

​"That... would be very unfair to you."

​After everything, Nunew knew he no longer had enough courage to open his heart to love someone else. He was afraid of being hurt, and equally afraid that he himself would become the one causing pain. He didn't want Tee to be wounded by the sharp thorns of his own scars. Tee deserved someone who could give him a whole love, not him and this tattered heart.

​"Nunew, look at me." Warm hands held Nunew’s face firmly; the calm tone forced him to obey.

​Tee’s eyes were suddenly magnified in Nunew’s mind.

​Foreheads touching, breath mingling, hearts racing.

​"I don’t need fairness," Tee whispered softly.

"I only need you."

​In that instant, Nunew seemed to rediscover an emotion he thought had been lost to oblivion. An emotion that made his heart stop aching and his bones stop eroding. An emotion that could bring him back to his dreaming years—back when tragedy hadn't yet stained his eyes gray and his soul hadn't turned barren. When he was truly just a child.

​At the threshold where darkness and light intertwined, a destitute heart was returned to its pristine state.

​"P’..."

​Overwhelmed by a sea of emotions, Nunew finally found his voice.

​"I’m afraid to love again."

​The tall figure before him went deathly still.

​"But if it’s you..." Nunew slowly reached up to grasp the hands caressing his cheeks.

"I want to try, just once."

​Try to cast all the instability behind. Try to recklessly hand over a heart riddled with scars. Try to believe in a future with no guarantees.

​And try to learn to love this cruel world.

​Facing Tee’s stunned gaze, Nunew gently removed the large, warm hand from his face and placed it over his chest.

​"Can you feel it?"

​Nunew’s voice was small but soulful, his breath trembling slightly.

​"My heart isn't whole..."

​He looked directly into Tee's eyes, his own shimmering with unshed tears.

​"But it’s beating for you."

​In that moment, Tee seemed to see an entire galaxy in those eyes that had once been the dull color of dust.

​In the years to come, during a visit to the aquarium at Siam Paragon, they would both suddenly recall that moment. Tee said he never forgot the feeling of his hand being near Nunew’s heart. Because back then, the one being saved wasn't just Nu. Perhaps he, too, had been liberated from his own murky inner world.

​But that is a story for later.

​As for now, Nunew was sprawled on his bed with July right beside him. He stared dazed at the plain ceiling, instinctively reaching up to touch his eye. It wasn't the stinging sensation of swelling from crying as usual, but an indescribable tenderness.

​Nunew buried himself in the blankets, tossing and turning but still unable to sleep. He sat there absentmindedly rubbing his eye, his mind replaying the scene like a movie on loop.

​Before long, Nunew’s face was flushed with a soft pink.

​"I’ve really gone crazy," he muttered to himself.

​Despite scolding himself, he couldn't help but dreamily dwell on the spectrum of emotions he had just tasted.

​Truthfully, Nunew still didn't know how to define his feelings for Tee.

​To say it was just brotherly love wasn't right. Because more than anyone, Nunew understood how much he depended on him.

​To say it was the love between two lovers wasn't quite it either. Nunew had loved before, so he knew that Tee’s place in his heart wasn't that specific kind of spark.

​To say it was purely the affection between family members was even less accurate. If it were truly that, Nunew would never have been able to accept the fact that Tee loved him.

​Nunew rolled over, deciding to set this mess of thoughts aside. With drowsiness weighing on his mind, the lingering flutter in his chest, and the warmth still haunting his eyelid, he gradually drifted off.

​That night, Nunew truly had a beautiful dream.

​He dreamed he was sitting in the living room waiting for Tee to come home. When Tee arrived, he even bought flowers and sweets for him. Nunew happily arranged the flowers in a vase, then opened the box of sweets to snack on, occasionally sharing a piece or two with him. July wandered around the corner until he was bored, then arrogantly walked out to scratch at Tee’s leg, demanding to be played with.

​The scene suddenly shifted to late at night. Tee was busy at his desk. Nunew was lying on his bed, reading a novel and crying until his eyes were swollen because he was moved by the love between the two protagonists. Hearing him cry, Tee couldn't help but set his work aside to come over and comfort him.

​The final image Nunew dreamed was of himself saying goodbye to Tee to go back to his own room to sleep. Before leaving, they shared a tight hug as a goodnight ritual.

​It seemed as if everything stopped there.

​Yet, just as Nunew was about to turn away, a hand pulled him back. He had only just turned his head, before he could even question it, he froze in his tracks.

​A soft kiss landed on Nunew’s eyelashes.

​A gentle chuckle, like a pink feather, brushed through his mind.

​"Sleep well, my stubborn kid."

​The kiss in that dream was incredibly real.

​Exactly like the kiss he had placed on his eye in reality.