she was late

and she had driven this road

hundreds of times before

because it was the road she took

to go to school

where she drove every day

maybe that's why

she wasn't too alert

as she sped down the road

maybe that's why 

she was lost in thought

maybe that's why

she didn't see 

that the car in front of her

wasn't moving...

she couldn't remember

the song playing in the car

or what she was thinking about

she did remember the moment 

that she realized the car in front of her

was stationary

she did remember slamming on her brakes

she did remember honking her horn

trying to warn the person

that she wasn't going to stop in time

she tried to warn them

she tried to scream at them to move

but it wasn't enough

she still ran into them

the sound of her car

clashing against their car

rang in her head 

and she was still tense

from bracing for impact

she remembered 

holding her breath

as the person in front of her 

got out of the car...

the sun was setting

so it was hard to see

but the person was unmistakable

she didn't know

whether to feel relieved 

or guiltier than she already felt...

Christy

her friend in choir

the girl who sat behind her in psych

the sweet

talented

singer

who she could always count on for help...

no one was hurt

and her car wasn't damaged

but she couldn't say the same

for Christy's car.

the back bumper

detached 

scratched

it would have to be replaced...

they didn't know what to do

so Christy called her mom

they didn't call the police

because no one was hurt

and the cars didn't seem 

to be too damaged

she was afraid to call her parents..

she didn't want them to worry

she didn't want to disappoint them

she didn't want them to hate her

she didn't want to lose their trust..

it was all her fault

but she didn't know 

how it even happened

they were both shaking

but Christy wasn't angry

and understood 

that it was an accident

she couldn't stop apologizing

though

she felt horrible

how could she let this happen?

wasn't she paying attention to the road?

how?

why?

she dreaded calling her parents

and she waited 

until Christy's parents

said they wanted her parents 

to pay for the damages

despite her offer to pay

so that she wouldn't have to tell them...

she paced as the phone rang

how was she even going to tell them?

she had already scratched the car in the past...

she wasn't a bad driver,

but she had made a mistake

she wasn't perfect

but her father wasn't understanding

he had never been in an accident before

and he knew how expensive 

paying for the repairs of Christy's car would be

her parents 

were glad she was okay

and that she told them what happened

but she knew her father

she knew he was upset

this was the last thing they needed..

the cars this year 

had a lot of unexpected problems

that came with expensive solutions

plus her parents paid for her sister's college

and she was starting college this year...

she knew when she arrived home

that her father was not pleased with her..

he lectured her 

on paying attention,

remaining alert,

not driving too close to a person,

safety,

being more careful...

she knew all of this

and she knew she deserved the lecture

but she couldn't help but feel 

as if she had been through enough..

the accident in itself 

taught her more than her father's words ever would

she was surprised

her mother wasn't angry with her

usually it was her mother 

who lectured her

who was upset with her

who got frustrated with her

not her father;

but her father was the one to handle 

the financials

not her mother

he knew the cost of such a mistake

* * *

her car wasn't damaged

other than a few scratches

and a dented license plate

so she could still drive-

her parents had not taken away that privilege.

however,

every time she braked

she flinched...

every time she came up behind another person

she could only picture 

slamming into Christy's car..

she was terrified 

of rear-ending someone...

she wished the flashes of the accident 

would go away

would stop plaguing her

but the accident had only happened

a few days ago..

she thankfully cried herself out-

she did not cry when she thought of the accident

but she still cringed

and played it over and over again

she still felt like a horrible human being

she still felt the weight of a hundred bricks

she couldn't help but feel that Christy 

secretly hated her now, 

even though she didn't treat her 

any different from before..

she knew life would eventually move on

maybe she was being over dramatic

but it felt like the world caved in on her

she never really thought 

she would ever get into an accident

she always thought of herself as a good driver

but maybe she wasn't 

maybe she should never drive again

despite the impracticality...

* * *

she still tensed

every time she braked

but the flashes appeared less

as each day went by...

but despite the fading flashes

the guilt lingered

and it wouldn't go away

she had to repeat to herself 

over and over

"it's okay

it's not the end of the world

it's a learning experience

stop replaying it in your head

it's not your fault

it was an accident"

accident

not her fault

her fault

her fault

her fault

accident

accident

accident

accident........