she was numb

in shock

she wanted to cry

but could only stare at the wall

her mind reeling

jordan,

her best friend,

or

should she say

the girl that made her

a back burner friend,

went through something

unimaginable...

their conversation 

was awkward

forced

even before jordan moved away

things were rocky between them

jordan didn't talk much to her

and only talked about her new friends

when she was with her..

jordan never asked her 

how she was

or what was going on in her life...

it was all about jordan.

she was almost glad when she moved away

because then she didn't have to force a friendship

that no longer existed anymore..

but she still cared about her

she still wanted to know 

what was going on in her life

check in on her

make sure she was okay

see how her life was going...

jordan seemed happy

she signed with two modeling companies

and was living the dream

in nyc...

she called her

to see how she was

to get the details

of what was going on in her life.

they kept texting 

saying they should catch up

but the catch up never happened

the call never came..

except this time

jordan picked up the phone

their conversation was forced

tense

too polite

with too many silences

on the other end..

until jordan told her something

that she wasn't expecting.

she knew jordan well enough

to figure that the conversation between them

would go a certain way..

but she didn't expect it to go the way it did..

jordan was monotone

didn't seem excited about

the modelling

living in brooklyn

the invitations to celebrity parties

the free 5 star meals

everything that came with

making it as an upstart model

she tried to sound excited for jordan

but it was hard

when jordan didn't seem excited herself

then she said the words

that made her want to cry

that made her speechless

that made her go numb..

"um, so

a while ago..

back in january

I was raped"

dead silence...

"what did you just say?"

she had to have her repeat what she said

because she swore 

she didn't hear her correctly the first time

"I was raped"

her [now ex]boyfriend

who was a marine

raped her..

jordan wanted to wait until marriage

but he didn't want to 

he kept going

he didn't stop

and she was much too small

and frail

to stop a damn marine.

what could she say to her?

how do you help a friend

that you don't really know anymore

that you don't really talk to anymore

that you don't see anymore?

she felt like crying for her friend

who couldn't wait like she wanted to

who was violated in such a violent way

who didn't report it to the police

who lied through her teeth to her

saying she was fine

and she had moved past it..

she didn't believe that rape was something

you could just move past in three months...

jordan never had strong self confidence

she was always underweight

and didn't believe she was beautiful.

she was also angry

that someone could do such a thing.

how could someone do something 

so evil

so vicious

so cruel?

she wanted to punch the marine

or report him

or something

but what could she do?

she didn't even know 

the marine's name

and there was no proof

if jordan didn't testify.

why wouldn't she report it?

she couldn't understand.

then jordan said she was sick

and tired

and was going to rest

but that it was nice catching up with her...

click.

she was worried for the girl

that she used to know

for the girl that used to be her best friend.

she was worried for the fragile girl

living in the jungle of nyc

where only predators prowled

and preyed on 

the beautiful

innocent 

fragile

sweet 

beings like her...

she was worried

that nyc 

was going to eat jordan alive

and she couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.