"Stel, did I wake you?" Luke's quiet voice came through the phone, like he thought he would be able to be heard even though we weren't even in the same room.

"No, I've been up all night. What do you need?" I asked. Luke had been at my house only a few hours before, I couldn't think of anything that he would need to call me for this late. He told me that he was going to go to bed early anyway.

"I'm just not feeling too great right now." He sighed.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" I sat up from where I was laying on the couch and turned off the TV, putting my full attention on Luke.

"I'm just freaking out a little, that's all." Luke's voice came out shaky and his breathing was heavy. I stood up and began to pace back and forth, my old habit coming back.

"About what?" I asked.

"I- I can't tell you." His voice broke again, and it sounded like he had been or still was crying.

"Luke, please tell me what's wrong." I begged, though I knew Luke was going to be stubborn about this.

"I don't feel good." Luke said again. Thats what scared me, because I knew he didn't mean that he felt sick. We had been through the before, Luke wasn't okay right now and he had no one there for him except me.

"Why do you keep saying that? What do you mean?" I asked, and even though I knew the answer I added, "Are you sick?"

"I've felt like I needed to throw up for hours, but I can't. I haven't eaten enough to throw up." Luke explained, it now being obvious that he was crying.

"Why haven't you been eating?" I stopped walking. I noticed recently that Luke had been eating less, but I hardly even thought twice about it. He told me that he always ate a lot at home, when I wasn't with him. I would have never guess that he'd stopped eating all together.

"I don't need to. I'm never hungry anymore." Luke whined.

"Is this because of the medication you take? Does it make you not hungry?" I asked, thinking maybe that was it. A lot of medicines did that, they made you lose you appetite. It was probably that, it was normal for Luke to not want to eat.

"I haven't been taking my medication. I thought I was okay again." Luke said, and I started pacing once again.

"Luke, the medication is what was making you feel better." I sighed. I was so sure that he had been taking it by himself, I didn't think he needed anyone reminding him about it constantly. I never wanted to bother him about it, because it was something that he should have remembered to do on his own.

"I can't do this." Luke panted on the other side of the phone, his words barely able to be heard between his breathing.

"Please tell me what's going on." I pleaded with him, getting more and more worried with every word he spoke.

"My therapist said this was normal, he said it was okay for me to feel this way. But I just feel so sad, Stel, why am I like this?" Luke babbled on, and I wasn't sure if even he knew what he was saying anymore.

"What do you mean 'sad'? Luke, what's happening?" I asked, listening to the sound of Luke sobbing through the phone.

"I don't feel good." Luke said yet again, his cries becoming a little quieter now.

"How? Luke, where are you right now?" I quickly walked into the kitchen and found a piece of paper, writing a sloppy note to my mom and brother saying that I had to go over to Luke's house and would call in the morning.

"I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay." He said over and over, breathing hard once again.

"Where are you?" I repeated, already looking around for some shoes and a jacket to wear.

"I'm at home. I don't know where my mom is. I looked for her but she's gone. I need help." Luke finally stopped crying enough for me to understand him.

"What kind of help?" I asked, wondering just what Luke had done.

"I just need someone, Stel, I don't know what's happening, I just need to be with someone." He said quickly. I slid on a pair of my boots I had lying by the door and threw on a random jacket, not caring who's it was.

"Do you want me to come over?" I said, even though I knew I was already coming. "I'll come over."

"No, I don't want you taking the subway this late. I think I'll be okay." Luke spoke up, and I really wanted to yell at him.

He was sitting here crying to me on the phone about how sad he was yet he was still able to refuse my offer of coming over to be with him. Usually I liked the way that Luke cared for me like this but tonight I wasn't going to have it. He needed me there with him and I wasn't going to listen to him, no matter how hard he tried to stop me.

"I'll be fine. I'm coming over." I assured him.

"Stel, babe, no." He insisted, making me roll my eyes at him. I was already halfway down the hallway to the elevator now, he couldn't stop me.

"Luke, you need - " I started to say, but was cut off by a big thud on the other side of the phone. I heard some scrambling around for a moment before Luke finally came back.

"Sorry." Luke said quietly, his voice coming back on the phone again.

"What was that?" I asked.

"I dropped the phone. My hands are shaking too much." Luke said as he took a few big breaths.

"Are you alright?" I asked, pressing the button to close the elevator doors.

"I can't breathe, I can't - I can't," Luke stammered in between gasps of air. It took him a minute to form a full sentence again. "Can you please come over?"

"I'll be there as soon as I can." I said assuringly and nodded, even though he couldn't see me.

"Stel?" Luke asked softly, breaking up the silence that had formed between us.

I bit my lip, pulling my jacket tighter against my body as I stepped out into the cold. "Yeah?"

"Please hurry."

-

It didn't take very long for me to reach Luke's house, the subway wasn't very crowded this late at night. I used the key that I knew was under the doormat to get in, immediately going up to Luke's room where I assumed he was in. I walked in to find Luke curled up in a ball on the floor, still shaking and crying.

I silently walked over to him and sat down next to where he was, stretching my legs out in front of me. It took Luke a minute to notice that I was there. Finally he looked up at me, and stopped crying as soon as he did.

"What's wrong?" I whispered.

"I don't even know, I think I'm having a panic attack or something." Luke said quietly, sitting up. He crawled closer to me and positioned himself so he was leaning on my shoulder and grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together.

"Why? Is there a reason?" I asked.

"I don't know. I got the - I got the, the.." Luke stammered, not bothering to try and finish the sentence.

"The what?" I encouraged him to go on, both of us knowing that I wasn't going to be able to help if he didn't tell me what happened.

"I opened letter, Stel. I've had it for three weeks and I just opened it tonight. It says that I'm graduating at the end of this year." Luke explained, and I swear I felt my heart drop into my stomach. I was happy for Luke, but I didn't want him to leave. I wanted Luke to stay here with me forever and now he was going to move across the country. I hated myself for sounding so selfish, but I couldn't help it.

"So you are? That's great." I swallowed, trying to show that I was excited for Luke.

"No it's not, I'm scared. I'm not ready to go to college yet. I can barely take care of myself, look at me." Luke scoffed, gesturing around the dark room that we were currently sitting in the corner in.

"This is just one night. You'll be fine at college." I tried to assure him despite my own feelings at the moment.

"I'm not ready." Luke shook his head. He let go of my hand and covered his face in his own hands, not wanting me to see him crying again.

"Yes you are, I know how bad you want this. This is a good thing, Luke. You'll be okay." I said, taking his hands away from his eyes and holding them. I was a little upset about this, but we could talk about it another time. That wasn't what Luke needed right now.

"What if this happens again after I move? What if I need help? You aren't going to be there for me, Stel." Luke whispered, his blue eyes finally meeting mine.

"You can always call me." I shrugged, though I knew it wasn't going to help much.

"That isn't the same. I need you Stel, I can't leave." Luke's voice cracked and soon tears were spilling out of his eyes again. I hated this, seeing him breakdown right in front of me. He didn't deserve any of the shit he gets put though, he doesn't deserve to be so unhappy.

"I want you to." I nodded, knowing that it was best for me to encourage him. "You can't give this up, Luke. I won't let you."

"I can't be left alone. I can't handle living by myself, I should be in some mental hospital." Luke leaned over and cried into my shoulder again, this time staying there for a very long time.

"No you shouldn't." I said finally. "You're just going through a rough time right now, things will turn out okay."

"It won't, Stel. If I couldn't even handle you being mad at me what do you think will happen when I'm stressed out from college?" Luke coughed, wiping under his eyes with his shaky hands.

"That's a little different." I sighed, still regretting what happened between Luke and I a little over a month ago.

"I can't do it, I should just stay an extra year here in New York and go to college when I'm ready." He said softly.

"Luke, calm down. I think you're ready now, you can do this. You'll be alright." I took Luke's hands in mine and turned to face him. We sat there staring at each other for what seemed like forever, with Luke breathing harder than normal and me hardly breathing at all.

"I can't, I'm sorry, but I can't do it." Luke shook his head and tried to stand up, but he only sighed and sat down again.

"You'll be fine, Luke. I know you will."

"I don't want to leave you." He whispered.

"I'll be okay, and you will too." I assured him. "We'll make this work, I promised you, didn't I?"

"I'm going to get bad again, I can't go out to California." Luke's eyes traveled over to his dresser, which was scattered with all of the multiple pill bottles Luke needed. I realized that Luke's biggest fear was getting "bad" again and not having anyone there to help him.

"You can go to college somewhere else, can't - " Luke cut me off, speaking a lot louder than before.

"I was already accepted to three colleges there." He said quickly, closing his mouth shut before he could say anything else.

"Let's go to bed, Luke." I said, suddenly not wanting to talk about Luke leaving for college anymore. I understand that we were going to get no where by ignoring this whole thing, but I didn't know what else to do. I was going to get upset if we talked about it anymore.

I stood up and walked over to Luke's dresser where I pulled out some new clothes for Luke to wear to bed, like he had done for me so many times before. He had stopped crying for now, and I felt that maybe he would be okay for the rest of the night.

We silently crawled into the bed and let our bodies find each other under the covers, fitting together like they always had. It always felt so right to be with Luke, even in a situation as messed up as this. I loved it, but I couldn't help but think that in a few months we wouldn't be able to do this anymore because Luke wouldn't be here.

"You'll be okay, Luke." I spoke suddenly, wanting to let him know just one more time.

"Why am I like this?" He choked out, his voice coming out as a whisper.

"Like what?" I asked.

"You know what I'm talking about, why am I so messed up? I never did anything wrong, did I?" Luke wondered out loud, rolling over to face me.

"No, you didn't." I shook my head at him, turning on my side as well. "Let's just go to sleep, Luke."

"I'm so sorry, Stel." He whispered, his hand trailing down my arm until his fingers linked with mine.

"It's okay, really." I said.

"I'm not going to be sad anymore, I'm done with this shit." Luke said, his voice raising. He seemed more angry than anything else now.

"Luke," I paused. "You always say that."

"I mean it this time, Stel. I'm done. I can't stand feeling this pain and I can't stand seeing you get upset because of me feeling this pain. It's not fair for either one of us." Luke said, rubbing under his eyes with his free hand one more time.

"I know." I whispered. Luke being sad like this was hurting both of us, I couldn't stand seeing him so upset and he obviously couldn't stand being upset.

"I'm going to be okay, right?" Luke asked, sighing. He sounded so unsure of himself, like he needed me to determine how he was going to turn out in the future.

"You'll be fine." I nodded, hoping that I was telling the truth.

"I love you, Stel, so, so much." Luke said, leaning in quickly and kissing me on the lips for a few seconds before pulling away.

"I love you." I finally cracked a smile after a long night of not being able to as I watched Luke get comfortable enough to go to sleep. "Everything's going to be okay." I whispered, making sure that I said it before Luke fell asleep.

"Do you promise?" He asked, his eyes already slowly closing.

I sighed, "I promise."

I FEEL LIKE SAD LUKE IS IN EVERY OTHER CHAPTER BUT THIS WILL PROBABLY BE THE LAST OF HIM

I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS IM SORRY I TOOK LIKE 6 YEARS TO UPDATE

and sorry for any typos I'll go back and fix them later goodnight