Chapter 17

"I want to try this one," Rin was saying while holding on to a teddy bear. She looked radiant and next to her was P'Arthit playing the doting boyfriend. They were at Siam on a date I was sure. They looked like a real couple, more so than I have ever seen them look.

I stood by the side of a shelf trying to avoid them. I wasn't stalking them no matter what it may look like with me pressed to the shelf to avoid being noticed, and I could only hear what they were saying because I was close and they were standing right next to what I wanted to buy. I was merely just waiting for them to leave so I could get it, that's all.

Even in my own head, I sounded defensive. Damn. If P'Arthit and Rin caught me now and I said that to them, they definitely would think I am stalking them, but I have stayed away for two weeks now. It had been hell, but I managed to keep my distance, partly because I knew how P'Arthit would react to any sight of me and partly because I have no idea how I was going to fix this... whatever it was. I just knew I did something unforgivable and my only defense was that I was desperate.

The two weeks apart have allowed me to accept that I had feelings for P'Arthit. no, I am not in love with him but when you feel a constant desire to see someone, hear their voice, and be with them, when you hate to disappoint them and want to take all their pain away, I think it was safe to conclude that along with the attraction, I also have that kind of feeling for P'Arthit. Which meant one thing and one thing only, I have to keep my distance, at least until this fades away.

But I am new to this. I have never felt quite like this for anyone besides my soulmate and I know that I still am in love with my soulmate. I cannot allow myself to love anyone else. Doing that would be the ultimate betrayal and I would risk triggering the soulmate bond. No, I have to let P'Arthit go.

Yet I can't take my eyes off him for one minute. I sighed as I pretended to scan the details on a pack of meat. Despite having made my decision, deleted P'Arthit's number, quit going to school and successfully stayed away, am I really going to just give in and meet him now.

"Kongpob?" I froze in place, my skin going cold. My eyes slowly met the other's in trepidation. Rin. I looked around her and didn't find P'Arthit.

"Looking for Arthit?" she asked.

"Yeah, I saw you with him earlier."

"So I wasn't imagining it, you were avoiding us."

I faked a smile. "Isn't that what you wanted?"

"I know I told you to leave us alone but I didn't actually think you'd listen to me."

"Trust me, I'm not." I tried to leave her and let the conversation end here.

"What happened between you and Arthit?" she was following me.

"What happened?"
"He suddenly wants to push the wedding back. We were supposed to wait till he graduates you see."

I stopped walking unconsciously and glared at a shelf of cereals without saying a word.

"I guessed that it had something to do with you."

"So what?" I asked with barely concealed anger. "Will knowing make you give up on marrying him?"

"Will my giving up make you love him back?" the question blindsided me and threw me off.

"What do you mean? Are you doing this to force my hand?"

She laughed and waved her hand. "Don't flatter yourself. It's just the thought that Arthit loves someone else hurts me and of course since I love him I don't want him to do anything he regrets."

"He will regret this."

"Maybe. But he would still stay with me, that's how he is. Even with regret, Arthit won't betray me."

I sighed knowing she was right. "Why are we talking about this? You are getting married whether I want you to or not. What happened between P'Arthit and I hardly matter."

"Still I want to know."

"Then ask me." P'Arthit was standing at the beginning of the shelf glaring at us. He started walking towards me and my skin turned sweaty with nerves. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in two weeks, I don't know what to say. P'Arthit probably didn't want to see me let alone listen to me, but I couldn't just ignore him.

I opened my mouth to say anything, a greeting of sorts and P'Arthit walked past me as if I wasn't there. He didn't brush me as he passed, didn't glance my way for even a flash of a second. He just walked past me and for some reason, the world spun around me. Why I did what I did next I can never explain it.

I turned and grabbed him by the arm. He jumped and stilled. He couldn't have been more surprised than I was. I held his hand without saying anything and he still didn't turn to look at me. Did he hate me that much?

"I will go pay for our stuff, Arthit," Rin interrupted the building silence and awkwardness and that forced me to let P'Arthit's arm go. I couldn't see his face but he must have given some kind of consent to Rin. She went away without another word.

Seconds of awkward silence went by without either one of us saying anything or looking at each other. I was the one who stopped him without having anything to say. I just didn't want to be ignored by him. It was bad enough that I haven't spoken to him for more than two weeks or gone to see him but that was my choice, and now it seemed that I didn't have as much control over anything. It's nothing new, P'Arthit's cold shoulder but yet it bothered me so much.

I raised my eyes to look at him only to find him already looking at me. when our eyes met he turned slightly away without a shift in his expression. "What do you want?"

What do I want? I wished I knew that. What did I really want from P'Arthit? I thought it was friendship, but if that's all it was then why am I so against the idea of him getting married to someone else. I was confused and my confusion led me to hurt P'Arthit once again.

"I'm sorry," I blurted, still recalling P'Arthit's expression when he left my house. "I don't know why I did that, I wasn't thinking clearly. I'm really sorry P'Arthit."

"That's great but Kongpob—"

"I know," I interrupted him. He was going to say that we should stay away from each other. I don't want to do that anymore. I would rather be confused and next to P'Arthit than away from him. Even if I don't know what I want from him yet, even if I may hurt him again out of carelessness, I still needed to be with him.

"Sorry isn't enough for you to forgive me, right?" he looked taken aback and I nodded with a smile as if I had it all figured out. "I wouldn't forgive me either, but what if I promise to leave you alone. I mean I won't stand against you about your getting married."

P'Arthit's face tightened and he looked away. Did I say something wrong? This was what P'Arthit wanted, right?

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"I will support you. I will even come to the wedding. Like a good friend I will congratulate you."

He sighed and after a moment looked sideways at me. "Is that what you think I really want?"

I avoided his gaze which was a mistake. "I don't want to guess anymore or force my own thoughts on you."

He suddenly laughed. "Kongpob, you are something else aren't you. "

I stared at him wordlessly, did he forgive me already or is he so angry he can't help laughing.

"If you really care about what I want you wouldn't have tried to reach me, you'd leave me alone. "

"I want to," I confessed. "I know how much I hurt and embarrassed you and I know how you feel about... everything. I don't want to keep lingering around you either and being rejected."

"And I'm the one doing the rejecting."

"No... I mean yes. In a way."

P'Arthit sighed. "Kongpob, I made up my mind that I can't be anything but a stranger to you. Friendship? I can't stand the thought of being your friend. I just want you to go away and let me forget you, that's what I really want. I know you know that already but you just want to keep ignoring it until I spell it out to you. " he took in a breath, the whole time his eyes were focused on something by the left without looking once at the person he was talking to.

"It was a mistake you know, meeting you again and letting you into my life. It just made things so much harder than it needs to be. I regret that the most. "

"P'Arthit," I stopped him from saying any more. "I didn't know it was that hard for you."

"You know."

"I really don't."

"why?" he glared at me." you've loved someone before." After saying that his eyes widened a little and he blushed before looking away.

He loves me? That's not possible. I am nothing to him. P'Arthit liking me is good and fine but he can't love me, he is just confusing his crush on me as love. Love is deeper than that.

"P'Arthit you don't know what you are saying."

He shook his head, "yes, I don't know why I bothered saying anything."

"You think you are in love with me, that's crazy."

"What?" he blinked and looked at me.

"You can't love someone you barely know. You can't think about being with someone else if you really loved someone. It can't be that easy."

There was a cold silence that followed my serious words and I knew that P'Arthit was angry then. His anger wasn't anything like that night.

"I never said I loved you but... what do you mean by that." His words were low and no one but me could hear it. Still, I stood my ground.

"You have a crush on me, you like me right now but in a few years you will like someone else and forget about me, that's why..."

"You just made it seem like the feelings that I have are empty and that they mean so little."

"I—"

He thought about something and laughed a dry cold laugh, "I guess any feeling that isn't your precious feelings for your soulmate mean nothing to you."

"No, that's not what I mean."

"I guess now I understand your stubbornness a little more. If you look at people like that, no wonder you are so selfish and never think about the feelings of others since you consider them all shallow to yours."

"I didn't mean that P'Arthit."

"yes you did and you know what, you are right because I suddenly hate you so much I can't stand the sight of you." He turned and walked away faster than I could form anything to say.

P'Arthit misunderstood me. I should explain to him what I really meant. I wasn't looking down on his feelings, I acknowledge them, can't he see that? I just don't think that... that they are like mine.

I sighed internally. P'Arthit was probably right. How do I always manage to offend him so easily?

I followed him but I couldn't interject myself between him and Rin as they went back to spending their time together. P'Arthit's shoulders looked so stiff that I knew if I approached him now we would both regret it.

I lingered a bit before leaving the store. I walked to my car without having bought anything. If I left like this would I ever get another opportunity to make up with P'Arthit?

I noticed someone by the windows of the store staring at something in the store. It was one of P'Arthit's friends, P'Bright. I always wanted to say hi since we haven't really talked since I came back, but I paused from calling out to him.

Why does he look so pissed? His expression was tight with anger and he was glaring at something. Not long after I noticed this, the couple, P'Arthit and Rin stepped outside of the store. They both noticed me immediately and paused. Rin clearly looked like she didn't mind seeing me but P'Arthit grabbed her arm and gently began to lead her away.

"Yo!" P'Bright appeared from their back and wrapped one arm around P'Arthit's shoulders. "What's up, you two look like you are on a date or something."

"That's because we are," Rin took a step away as if P'Bright was disgusting. "Why are you here again, are you stalking us?"

"You wish," he scoffed. "Seriously you two should stop hanging around each other like that, it's weird. Aren't you two like siblings."

P'Arthit shrugged P'Bright's arm off. "Why are you here Ai'Bright?"

"You know, just casual shopping. Am I disturbing your date?"

"Just go away," said Rin.

P'Bright stuck out his tongue and made silly faces at her. It occurred to me that P'Arthit might be keeping his new relationship status from his friends. I couldn't understand why, and there's something else I'm missing.

"Are you watching a show or something," Rin walked over to me casually, ignoring P'Bright's call. I noticed the way his eyes turned dark when her back was turned.

"I just didn't want to leave yet."

"Aw, you can't handle a simple rejection?"

If P'Bright hated Rin, I can almost see why. "It wasn't a rejection, just an argument."

"What did you argue about?"

I opened my mouth to say something but was interrupted by P'Arthit's cough. "Stop getting into people's business and go back to what you were doing," he said to P'Bright.

"Who told you to make your business so interesting? Anyway, come to think of it Arthit didn't you used to have a crush on Kongpob? Or was it the other way around?"

My eyes glued to P'Arthit, and I watched how he reacted to that. I didn't know if P'Arthit told anyone besides Rin what happened between us. P'Arthit merely glared.

"Are you still here? Want to get your ass kicked right?" he attempted to beat P'Bright up and the other escaped with some chuckle.

"See ya later."

"Is there a reason you are keeping your upcoming wedding quiet, even from friends?" I asked none of them in particular hoping someone would offer some explanation.

"None of your business."

"It's just better this way." Rin was more open to talking to me.

"Is it because of your brother?"

"There's that," she nodded. "But we just don't want gossip and the attention. I am kind of famous you know."

Her smile was a little sad there and I thought about the little I knew about her. She was abused by her brother for a long time and ended up staying with P'Arthit.

"Can we go," P'Arthit muttered as he walked away.

"Hey, I'm actually impressed at how stubborn you are. I bet Arthit's heart is fluttering right now," Rin pretended to whisper to me.

I couldn't help a slight smile even as P'Arthit interjected with a "are you still talking so much nonsense."

They left and I followed with a deep sadness. P'Arthit's walls are never going down around me again, I just knew it.