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Chapter 3

The words echoed with silence. I was caught somewhere between angry frustrated and embarrassed so I couldn't immediately respond. Deny it, Arthit, I urged myself. Say it is not true, you are not falling in love with him. Which side of him is do you like. Turn it back on him, anything.

"It's not like I said anything." The words bitterly rose to my throat. "it's not like I wanted to do anything." That wasn't denial, I thought. Am I admitting it? am I going to accept that I liked this guy?

"P'Arthit."

"It isn't entirely my fault, part of the blame lies on you. After all, you brought me here and forced me to see things like this otherwise I would have gone through life without this... " my face was burning as I said these words that sounded too embarrassing even to my ears. If I heard someone say something like this I wonder what expression I would be holding. I couldn't look at Kongpob's however so I don't know what expression he had on his face.

It hasn't even been up to a day when I started to feel this way, why would he say something like that to me. Kongpob returning my feelings wasn't something I have even had the time to think about but hearing him say this was so annoying and so unexpectedly painful.

"P'Arthit, are you crying."

"Shut up, why would I? Get lost." Ah, I lost my composure and started to use violent words to lash out. To avoid more pain and embarrassment, I went back into the house, picked one musty room, and locked it. I didn't want to see or hear him and most of all I didn't want to say any more embarrassing things.

I stayed there for a while and pondered my own feelings. It wasn't exactly clear why I liked Kongpob nor wasn't exactly certain that I did. Okay, I admit a bit of me wanted to remain in denial but it's true, I liked him so then now what. He said he won't ever love me back so that's the end of that, but what was that about soulmates?

I stayed locked up for close to an hour but I couldn't stay hidden forever. If the whole soulmate thing was a hoarse then thinking about it more carefully, Kongpob must have been trying to say that he had a girlfriend, wasn't he?

I have never seen him with any girl at school but the possibility is there and he had his own fan base too. He wasn't bad looking either. I tsked at myself. This was stupid. What about that sweet smiling jerk did I like.

"Don't fall in love with me? well, that's fine by me, I never said I that I was going to fall in love with him anyway."

I worked up a large amount of pride and rage to face him. Thinking I could only go out and set him straight just to feel better, I walked out of my isolation. 

It was dark inside the house and all I had to see where I was going was the moonlight glaring through the window. I couldn't find any of the torches. Kongpob hadn't come to find me, which I grudgingly had to accept as right

I walked out the door in search of him. He wasn't there by the porch where I left him but... someone else wearing a black suit was. Immediately I saw this person I began to retreat. We've been found after all. This was one of those men who were chasing us.

"Kongpob!" I shouted, hoping to warn him if he was still far away.

"The young master has returned home. He asked me to wait and explain the situation to you."

Young master. Was that referring to Kongpob? I didn't respond and cautiously watch the man who looked like a cultured gangster come closer and stepped on the porch.

"Young master and the family have decided to call off the wedding, though the young master has promised to marry someone else in the near future. In the meantime, he wants to thank you for everything."

"..." I didn't know how to respond. I knew Kongpob and I would part soon but this was without warning.

"If there is anything you want. Just mention it."

"...I don't want anything," I said. Just to go home and put this all behind me forever.

"Then allow me to take you back to your hotel" I agreed with a nod. Silently I gathered the little things which was just my camera and phone then I left with the man.

During the boat ride on an exclusive boat owned by Kongpob's family, I finally got a taste of wealth. It started to feel more and more like a surreal experience. Kongpob may have said that is parents weren't really rich but it didn't look like they had that many problems.

Having been dropped by the hotel, I urgently wanted to say something, the man even hung around as if expecting me to leave a message but in the end I said nothing. I didn't want all of this to mean nothing yet I am not sure what it meant. If Kongpob had stayed with me then I would have asked him all the questions I wanted to ask, such as if he really did have a girlfriend, or if we could be friends or anything that mattered. Actually, I would have just liked to see his face, to hear his voice.

The emptiness inside of me continued even as I packed my things the next day and left the hotel. I took the bus back home. For the whole ride there I didn't think of what I was going back to but of the words Kongpob said to me, repeatedly. Having it repeating might seem like torture but I made me feel relieved somehow. The time I spent with him really happened after all it hurts, that's how you know something is real right?

After relieving the word a few more time it became clear to me why Kongpob has left so suddenly. He had wanted to be far away from me. he learned that a guy like me had feelings for him, maybe he felt like it was too much trouble and took off during the night.

I suddenly felt very stupid. Kongpob probably called his parents because of that and struck the deal. He didn't want to have to deal with me by staying together for much longer so instead of saying goodbye he left the bodyguard to do it.

I began to laugh at this. Of course, what did I expect that someone would accept me or want me? What a laugh. Staying in that fantasy island scrambled my brain and now I am finally seeing clearly. Someone like me with my despicable family background, how could I even be worth the time to an heir like Kongpob?

I thought that was enough to resolve whatever feelings I have for him yet despite knowing this, I was still aching to see him. Damn it.

While I waited for school to resume with impatience, my heart wouldn't stop thinking about him. I only knew him for two days but the remaining days without Kongpob felt painful to me. More painful than I'd thought I would feel.

But pain is not unusual to me. Believe it or not, I am a bastard child. My father raped my mother who worked in his house and I was the result. My father is probably on the same level as Kongpob's family when it comes to wealth, but it means nothing to me. After the hell he put us through, I do not want a dime of his money.

I know pain and I know suffering. My mother and I have been trying to get by on our own but I have to throw away my pride to live in my father's house to work as a slave and to be maltreated by his wife and my half-sister. Any time I am there is like pure torture but the thought of seeing Kongpob again was enough to distract me.

There was so much I wished I could tell him, so much I wanted him to tell me. At first, when I thought of how he used me then abandoned me on that island, not even deeming to say goodbye or anything, I was more than pissed and prepared to put him in the very back of my blacklist, but...

If Kongpob had not wanted me to be hurt as he said before then he must at least care. I can't deny that it had hurt to hear him tell me he can't ever fall in love with me but that was okay. This was just a crush anyway, not love. I wasn't thinking about marrying him and spending my whole life with him anyway. I wasn't thinking about long term and just seeing him was enough. I was ready to put my confusing feelings behind me and I hoped when school resumes Kongpob and I wouldn't be like before and maybe we could be friends.

"What are you daydreaming about?"

I was holding on to the rake when the voice of my half-sister intruded my thoughts. I turned to give her a look before returning back to the impossible task her mother had given to me which was to pick up every leaf within the huge courtyard. She didn't want to see one yellow or green leaf on the ground, she said.

"You know ignoring me is only going to make me pester you some more." She rounded me and stood in the way of my rake. When I shifted she followed. I gritted my teeth and glared at her.

She laughed happily as my attention was now on her. It never mattered that it was one filled with unconcealed dislike. "Wow, you look scary. P'Arthit do you drive all the girls away with that look? It's no wonder you have no girlfriend."

"I don't want a girlfriend."

"Boyfriend then?" I looked away, a mistake. "Ha! So it's a boyfriend, my poor father, he would be so shocked to learn that his only heir is into guys."

"Shut up." I wasn't into guys as far as I knew. Kongpob didn't count, it's not as if I wanted to do anything like couples do with him—anyway I didn't exactly feel that kind of attraction for him. I forced my cheek not to flush.

"It's fine though, you are already the eyesore of the family, anything you do wouldn't matter one way or the other."

Damn it, why was she here? It's bad enough I have to come back to this damned house and live like a stain but now I have to deal with this too. "What do you want from me, Paula?"

She covered her mouth and moved out of my vision. "I am just curious about you, P'Arthit. Are you happy, you got to go on a trip after all."

I started and stared at her. How did she know that?

"So much free time huh," she flipped straight black hair being disturbed by the wind out of her face. "Did you meet anyone interesting?"

"Leave me alone, Paula."

"Come on," she came and grabbed my arm, the edge of my elbow brushed her breast and I went stiff. Not this again. "Tell me all about it."

"Fuck it, let go."

"If you struggle too many people are going to suspect something is going on."

"Nothing is going on," I insisted on pulling my hand free.

"Really?" she let me go just so she could throw her arms around my neck and cling, her face really close. "People have been saying that you have been looking at me with lustful eyes, P'Arthit. Is that true?"

Damn her! Damn her to hell. Why was she always playing like this? I know we didn't like each other and didn't grow up together, our father loved her more than me but we were still siblings, we still shared blood.

"What the hell do you want out of me now?"

"Just who you were with during your trip, that's all."

"Fine," I sighed resigned to give her what she wanted. Either I give in and tell her or I face the full ugly wrath of her mother and the helping hands.

While I picked up the leaves she forced me talk about my trip, about Kongpob and everything. She always knew if hid anything and so I was not able to keep anything from her only my feelings for him was I able to undermine to a large extent.

"So this Kongpob goes to school with you. How come I have never heard of him?"

I was done with the work no thanks to her even though she kept drilling me with questions and following me around. How many times have I given in to her bullying? One day, I have to go where I never have to see her again.

"Because I didn't really talk with him before. He is a year under me after all and..." he was kind of a smartass.

"Fine. Next time, introduce us."

"Huh?! Are you crazy, why would I ever do such a thing?"

"P'Arthit, haven't we already established that you can't do anything else besides make sure I am happy. The only reason my mother and father still tolerate your existence is because of me. One word from me will send you into a life of unbelievable torment. Do you understand?"

I squeezed my fist and looked away. I was worried if kept looking at the smiling face, beautiful like an angel but devious under, I would go mad.

She gripped my face and drew it close to hers. "Just do everything I tell you and I can even make sure that you and your miserable mother, your poor mother who still has to starve herself just so you can go to school because of your useless pride, I can make sure she lives a peaceful life."

"I don't want—"she gripped my cheek, squeezing my mouth so I couldn't speak.

"sssh now, it is way too early for you to tell me what you don't want, P'Arthit. The way I see it, you don't even have that right."

"Screw you."

"hahaha, is that what you want? Let me see, father definitely wouldn't like that."She laughed joyfully. "This is why I enjoy this so much. Coming back again and again just to torture you and see this expression is so much fun."

We both heard someone coming around the corner and she let me go with a shout. "P'Arthit, what did you call me? I have never..." her eyes dramatically filled with tears.

The person coming hurried over and I saw that it was Paula's mother. She looked at Paula and me then walked over and slapped me hard on my face. "What did you do to my daughter?!"

I let my face swing with the slap so that it wouldn't hurt too much. I learned this a long time ago when I was eight and had to start living here. I understood that enduring this was better than watching my mother work herself to an early grave. I gritted my teeth but didn't look up again. It was the best course of action otherwise more slaps would follow.

"He was being so lewd as always mummy." the deceitful bitch was such a good actress. If I wasn't the one being harassed I might even applaud. I hated this damn family so much.

"Why did you come back? Why do I have to keep seeing your face around here." The woman lamented at me. I don't want to see your ugly mug either, I thought as she continued to rant.

"First your mother disgraced herself by sleeping with my husband, and now she has no shame but to send the spawn of that shameful act into my home. Unbelievable. How can one person be so disgusting?"

I guess this is the part where I shout at her and push her around for cursing my mother. This is the part where I am supposed to say 'you can insult me but not my mother.' She couldn't push me around like before when I was eight and cried at the drop of a hat and I wasn't afraid of her but I said nothing.

What was the use saying that my mother had been raped? I didn't really know that for a fact, I just inferred from a conversation I heard a long time ago. I haven't asked my mother, she hasn't told me and together we live with this secret buried between us. If my mother had really been raped by my father, reminding her would only hurt her and if she knew I knew, there's no telling how she would feel about it. So, I didn't say anything back and let the woman talk her head off.

"Get out of my sight," she said when it was clear she had nothing more to say and I had no intention of saying a word to her. I grabbed the rake that had slipped from my hand to the floor and walked away.

When I first came to live here, I didn't truly understand the situation. I mean, at the time I didn't know the relationship between my father and my mother or that the woman in the house didn't want me anywhere near them. I had the illusion that I was the big brother to my little sister Paula and that we would grow up happily together. I thought my father loved me and the reason he asked me to come to live with him was because of that so I got hurt a lot by their rejection and maltreatment.

I cried secretly because I didn't want to worry about my mother. It got so bad that I didn't want to go to the house again. My mother had her own place, if they didn't want me then I didn't want to stay, was what I had thought and ran away from them, but I had to come back because if I didn't then my mother would not be able to live for long.

It occurred to me that she was the only one who cared for me and who I really cared for. As long as those people didn't care for me and didn't think of me as family then I didn't have to care for them either. That worked better and better in making sure that I wasn't hurt by the things they did to me. I have a clear goal in mind, one that wasn't too far off any longer; I can endure anything to get there.