Chapter 31

"So, how are things going Blake?" Doctor Boseman asked me, as he walked into his office.

I was already sitting in m usual chair, waiting for him patiently.

Lexi had offered to come with me to the appointment and wait for me in the waiting room, but I had told her I could go on my own.

The thing was, I was thinking about Lexi meeting Doctor Boseman, and I wasn't sure how that would go, or if it was something I should actually think about doing.

I was pretty sure it would actually be good for Lexi to see a therapist herself, just to help with dealing with her mother leaving. I knew it still affected her a lot.

Actually, I thought everyone should probably see a therapist, mind it one that worked for them the way Doctor Boseman worked for me.

We all needed a voice of reason sometimes. I was just finally figuring this out.

"Good, things are good," I replied, nodding, still a little bit too much in my head.

He noticed. "Something is on your mind?"

"Should I bring Lexi for our next session?" I worked up the courage to ask.

Doctor Boseman smiled. "Do you need couple counselling? Because that's not exactly my domain. I can refer you to a colleague of mine if you need it."

I shook my head, smiling too. "No, it's more in terms of helping Lexi kind of understanding what I'm going through. Also, I think it would help her feel like she's more part of my life when I include her in all aspects of it."

Doctor Boseman looked at me, like he was analyzing me. It was a little odd. "She could definitely come at our next meeting, so we can have a discussion. But it's also okay if you two are not too dependent on each other, especially when it comes to mental health issues. I don't want her to start thinking that all the progress you've done is a hundred percent on her. Not because I don't want her to know she helped, but mostly because I don't want her to shoulder that kind of responsibility. I don't want her to think that without her you can't figure things out."

I nodded. That made sense. "You can tell her this."

He chuckled. "I can tell her this," he repeated, "It'll make you feel more reassured?"

"Yes."

"Alright. Anything else you want to talk about today?"

I shrugged. Things were pretty good now. "Nothing in particular."

"Are the pills still affecting you?"

I frowned. It did feel different. But I still did not feel a hundred percent like my normal self. "A little I guess..."

Doctor Boseman took a deep breath, like he was bracing himself for what he was about to say. "There is something I wanted to talk to you about. In terms of your sexual drive and the pills if that's okay with you?"

I wasn't exactly sure where he was going with this. He seemed to me looking at me carefully, so I was curious now. I was pretty confident we'd gone over all the more serious stuff already, so I didn't know what could make him look at me carefully like this. "Yeah, sure."

"Have you ever thought that maybe any issues you might be having with getting intimate with your girlfriend right now could be coming from something else than your medication?" he asked me, sounding like he was picking his words very carefully.

I was getting actually worried now.

"Like what? That I'm not actually attracted to her?"

He shook his head. "No, not that, something else."

"What? Past trauma?" I threw, more as a joke.

"Maybe, yes," he replied, making me frown.

"I never got any trauma. I wasn't, you know, abused or anything," I replied, kind of twitching on my seat, feeling suddenly a little uncomfortable in my chair.

"Blake..." Doctor Boseman sighed, looking at me with kind eyes, "you were fifteen."

I kinda froze. "What?"

"With your first girlfriend. You were in an extremely vulnerable place, with someone you thought you could trust, with someone older that should have known better."

I was already shaking my head. "She didn't do anything I didn't agree to."

"The age of consent is sixteen in England Blake."

I was still shaking my head. "It wasn't like that."

Kendall had done a lot of awful things, but what he was saying wasn't right.

"Can you tell me without a doubt that being with Kendall so young and in such a vulnerable place did not affect the way you went into all your relationships with girls after that?"

I couldn't answer right away. Because I had never thought about it that way.

"I'm not a victim," I just replied, not really answering his question.

"Contrary to some popular beliefs, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a victim Blake, because you have no control over that. It's not your fault. It's the other person's fault."

"Sure, it's not the victim's fault, but I'm not a victim," I repeated.

Doctor Boseman looked at me, like he wasn't sure if he should say anything else. But then he started to really talk. "You've had problem with intimacy before. You defined it as something else. Told yourself that you were a player, and that was why you did not get attached to anyone you might have had been physical with, but I think it goes a little deeper than this. This was your way of protecting yourself. You did not want to get attached to anyone because you did not want to get hurt. It wasn't just because you liked Lexi. It was because you couldn't let yourself be vulnerable like you'd been with Kendall before."

He stopped talking for a second, looking at me, but I did not say anything in reply. I couldn't. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to that.

So Doctor Boseman continued. "And before, Lexi was off limits, so the desire you felt for her was not dangerous because you didn't think it would be reciprocated, so you were sure nothing was going to happen anyway. But now that you're dating, and you actually could act on all these desires, maybe a part of you is trying to shut it down, to protect yourself. Does this sound completely off?"

I wanted to say yes. But I couldn't. If I wanted to be honest. I couldn't.

That hurt more than I would have anticipated.

"No..." I replied softly.

"Alright. Can we keep talking about this? Or are you feeling a bit uncomfortable?" he asked me.

"I don't really know how to feel, honestly," I admitted. I felt kind of numb, frozen in my chair.

I had never thought our conversation would be going in this direction.

"That's fine. How about you tell me yourself, how you see your relationship with Kendall?"

I didn't want to talk about Kendall. I didn't want to think about her. That probably meant something. "I think... well I always saw her as my brother's girlfriend. And part of me felt like getting with her was like betraying Jayden and when we got together, I just saw it as me doing something to hurt myself more."

"So, it was never a relationship where you felt happy and comfortable?" Doctor Boseman asked.

I snorted. "No, never. And I always kind of felt like the only reason why she got with me was a weird way for her to be with my brother again."

He tilted his head a bit, looking at me. "Is this something you talked about with her?"

I shook my head. "No, never," I said again. "I just kind of assumed. It didn't feel like she wanted to be with me when we were together, you know? More like she would have wanted me to be Jayden."

This was... wrong to say out loud. But I'd thought this before, thought about the fact that she just saw me as Jayden replacement and it was why she had slept with me in the first place.

She'd had never really loved me, at least not that way.

The same way I had never loved her.

I had never really let myself hate her for this, because I hadn't loved her either.

I had felt I had been the one using her.

"Do you know how their relationship was?"

"They teased each other a lot before they started to go out, like bickering all the time. They were always close. And when they started to date, they just grew closer."

"Did your brother ever talk about his relationship with her? How the dynamic was with her? How close they were?"

"No, he never really talked about this stuff with me. But I could guess. They were always together all the time. They were really close and they love each other."

"Maybe one of the reasons why you didn't want to put bad intentions on Kendall is because you had an idea of the relationship she and your brother had together. Grief can definitely change people. Maybe she really was a good girlfriend to your brother before and this isn't a pattern."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I think you need to sit down and really explore the fact that you were violated by Kendall. I think you're trying to come up with reasons to not get too physical with Lexi right now because you're still trying to protect yourself."

Josh had said something similar before. I'd ignored it. It had not been something I wanted to hear.

Was it because it was true?

"And I'm very sorry for telling you this like that, but I don't think you're ever going to truly get past your intimacy issues if you don't explore this yourself."

"I just don't feel like she did anything I told her I didn't want her to do."

That wasn't how it should have felt like? Being with Kendall?

"Did she? Are you sure what happened between you two was really something you wanted Blake? Or something you were forced into letting happen?"

I didn't really want to think back to that time. But if I let myself do it, even for a second... Maybe he wasn't completely wrong. He'd rarely been wrong before after all. "I... I don't know."

"It's okay, you don't have to come up with any answers today."

I let out a loud breath, suddenly fighting off tears. "I thought this was going to be a chill session, Doctor Boseman."

He smiled sadly at me. "Sorry Blake, I just didn't think you were ready for this conversation before."

"But now I am?"

"Yes, now you are."

Honestly? I wanted to tell him that I would have rather never have this conversation.

Because... because what if he was actually right?

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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins!

I mean, it's still Monday here. XD Sorry, this chapter came late. I slept all day. XD

I hope this didn't trigger anyone. I hope you know this is a safe place if you want to talk.

I think this is a very important chapter in terms of having Blake realize how his relationship with Kendall truly affected him. Blake's got a loooot of trauma. I might have given him too many honestly. :S Poor boy.

Anyway! Once again, if you need to talk, I'm here. 

In other news, I have writing plans for February. It's the shortest month. So. I think I want to try to upload something every day. I need a better uploading schedule. And I need to finish Life in Paintings so I can start uploading Daisie's Letters. hehehe.

Alright. Thank you so much for being patient. I'll see you all next week! <3 LOVE YOU GUYS!