Chapter 32

I sat in my car in the parking lot of my therapist, just staring at nothing for what felt like hours.

In my head, I was going over our conversation, over and over again.

Had I actually been abused? Or was Doctor Boseman just spewing nonsense?

From all the trauma boxes I had ticked off, this particular one I thought I was exempted from.

I wasn't sure how to process all of this.

I had never been truly comfortable in my relationship with Kendall. That much I could admit.

I had always felt like this relationship had been something I had done to hurt my own self. I hadn't seen it as something done to me. I'd only thought of myself as being the one in the wrong because I'd gotten into it for the wrong reasons.

Was this just some way I'd been trying to convince myself of something else to protect myself?

I felt a little light headed, honestly.

But this revelation should not be coming as such a shocker.

Josh had already hinted as much. I'd just... ignored it. Seen it as something he had said in a fit of anger, the way he sometimes said random shit that didn't make sense.

I'd been so overwhelmed with everything happening that I hadn't even let myself think about his words.

But still... that couldn't be true.

I would have known, right? I would have known if being with Kendall had been abuse.

But then again. Weren't victims often blind to their own abuses?

I hated this. This was not what I had thought I would be thinking about today.

This was not something I was sure I was ready to deal with just yet honestly.

It made... some sense though.

I had to admit, I was kind of obviously trying to stop myself from getting physical with Lexi. And it wasn't just because of my meds, or because I didn't want to rush things, or because I thought Lexi might not be ready yet.

It was me. Something was stopping me. And I never really let myself stop to think about the reasons. The real reasons.

I wasn't... okay. I felt dirty somehow. Cheap. Like less than what Lexi deserved. Being with Kendall, being with other girls I didn't care about. It made me feel worthless.

If I was being completely honest, deep down, like deep deep down... I felt like I would dirty Lexi by being with her.

The truth was, whatever I'd been trying to convince myself lately, I still hated myself. This was not something that could be changed magically in a few days.

I was still sitting in my car, in the parking lot. Lexi had texted me, asking me how the session had gone.

I texted her a quick vague reply.

I needed to talk with someone right now, but I wasn't sure I was ready to have that conversation with Lexi.

So I called Josh.

"Hey, are you back in town?" I asked him after he picked up.

"Did you put a GPS on me? I literally just stepped inside my apartment," he replied in a cheerful tone.

"Can I come over?" I asked, not wanting to beat around the bush.

"Sure," he answered automatically and then it was like I could almost hear him frowning. "Are you okay Blake?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied.

"Alriiiiight..." Josh trailed, definitely not buying it. "See you in a bit."

I took a few more minutes to make sure I wasn't completely distracted before I set off to Josh's apartment.

I drove slowly, putting some up-beat song on the radio to distract myself.

There was no reason to freak out or hyperventilate. Whatever might have actually happen was long over now. I wasn't with Kendall anymore. And I didn't need to see her again if I didn't want to.

When I finally got to Josh's place, I parked my car and headed inside.

The door was unlocked, so I walked in.

Josh heard me come in because he shouted, "You bumming food again?" and then walked into the living room and looked at me and frowned. "What's up?"

"I just came back from meeting Doctor Boseman," I replied, taking my shoes off.

Miss Puss was lying down in the stairs that led to Josh' library looking at me.

"Everything going well?" Josh asked, just standing there, studying me too.

I could dodge the subject, make small talk and use Josh to distract myself. Or I could be honest.

I went with honest. "We talked about... well we talked about Kendall."

Josh looked like he was picking his words very carefully when he said, "And what exactly did you talk about?"

"What you mentioned before," I replied softly, trying not to look away.

Josh's shoulders kind of dropped, and he looked at me with kind eyes. "Do you want to talk about it now?"

"I feel like I need to," I admitted, and headed for his couch, letting myself fall on it.

Josh sat on the carpet in front of it, and Miss Puss headed to him, lying on his lap, while he started to pet her.

"You were so young Blake. And you didn't know any better. And you trusted her. None of it is on you. All of it is on her."

I pressed my arm over my face, hiding it. "It doesn't change the facts though. I always thought I'd used her, you know."

Josh let out an annoyed breath. "Because she gaslit you into thinking you had. She always made comments about how you didn't actually love her."

I turned my head, looking at him. "How?"

How did he know? He never saw me with Kendall.

"Me and the Counsel of Cousins talk, okay?" he told me.

"They really don't like Kendall, do they?"

Josh snorted. "They tolerated her at best. But no Blake, they definitely don't like your abuser who made you think you were the one in the wrong and who used you at one of your lowest points just so she could finally say she bagged a Eaton."

What a weird thing to say. "She slept with Jayden," I corrected him.

Josh snorted again. "She did not."

"She did. I remember one evening, Jay snuck in my room and was talking nonsense. Honestly, he was probably kind of tipsy. Anyway, yeah, they slept together."

Josh was just shaking his head, with a weird smile. "Blake, my sweet summer child, your brother never slept with Kendall."

That was wrong. "Maybe Jay didn't tell you."

"Blake. I'm telling you. He never slept with her," Josh said deadpan.

He knew something I didn't, that much was obvious. He just wasn't telling me.

Had Jayden said something about Kendall to Josh? Was this the secret he was apparently keeping for him?

"I really feel like I don't know anything sometimes," I sighed.

"You assumed a lot of things and ignored a lot of other things too. It's fine. A lot of it was to protect your own self."

"Did Kendall... did she do anything to Jayden?" I asked because I had to. My mind was going places.

"Aside from wearing him down enough to have him accept to date her?"

I studied my best friend. His annoyance was quite clear in his face. "You really don't think he loved her?"

"I think she convinced him he liked her, and he let her to it because he needed that at that moment," Josh said, and kept petting Miss Puss, before looking in my eyes. "But what's actually important right now is you and how you feel, and what you think about all of this."

I looked away, staring at his ceiling. "I feel... I feel weird thinking about being with her again."

"Understandable."

"Me and Lexi, you know, we haven't... not really, you know..."

"Because she hasn't been wearing a French maid outfit," Josh said, clearly joking to lighten my mood.

"What? No," I snorted.

"No need to be shy Blake, I know."

I rolled my eyes, glad for the little moment of amusement. "That's not the point. The point is... I think... I think I'm doing it on purpose."

"Well, I do hope that if you deny sex, it's on purpose."

"But..." I started to say, but Josh stopped me.

"Just because you've had sex before doesn't mean you need to be ready for it all the time. There's nothing wrong with waiting. There's nothing wrong with taking things slow."

"But I feel like... I feel like I might be doing it because I had trauma from my first time, so I don't want Lexi to have any of these feelings. But also, the only time I actually slept with someone I cared about I felt so wrong, and I'm scared of feeling like that again."

Josh nodded, and then said, "Have you talked about any of this with Lexi?"

"This is all new information for me."

He chuckled. "Quite the break through."

I snorted. "I guess I didn't want to hear it before, but I kind of always knew deep down."

Josh sighed, looking at me with a smile again. "Look, in any relationship, you'll get hurt eventually. It's inevitable. Even if you never break up, one of you is going to die one day, so there's not dodging pain."

"If I die first, then I can actually dodge it," I said, being a smartass.

Josh narrowed his eyes at me, unimpressed. "Cut that shit out. Anyway, yeah, pain is a part of it. It's not all of it, but it is part of it, and you need to be ready for it. You and Lexi might hurt each other again. Your relationship will no always be perfect. But I don't think Lexi Grayson is going to hurt you the way Kendall did. I don't think Lexi would want you to do anything you're not ready for. I don't think she'll force you to do anything either. And I highly doubt she'll be disappointed if she gets with you. But in order to be sure of any of that, you do need to talk. Maybe not now, but eventually."

"You're right."

"Of course, I'm right." Josh replied and then got up, keeping Miss Puss in his arms. "Now, come on, I'm making pizza."

________________

Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! :D 

So, this is a continuity of last week's therapy session. There's a lot of stuff Blake needs to process and a lot of things I still want us to resolve with these characters, so yeah, I hope you're enjoying the way things are developing, even though it might harder subject matter. 

I really can't wait for you guys to read the next two chapters. I worked a lot one them, wrote and re-wrote them. But yeah. I'm very excited for you guys to read them. :D

In other news, yesterday was my last set day helping out at the art gallery, so now I'm back to my regular schedule, so that's definitely going to help with my writing. Hopefully I can upload a lot in the up-coming days. :D

Alrighty! Back to writing! :P Thank you so much for reading this chapter! I love you guys! See you all next week! <3