Chapter 36

As soon as I was out of the dinning room and away from my parents, I felt bad.

I didn't like conflict. I didn't like to argue with them, or anyone for that matter.

I always preferred to make my own self feel bad rather than confronting anyone about my issues.

Ultimately, the whole Kendall thing still felt like my decision.

Still, after learning everything about Jayden and Josh, I just felt madder about Kendall, because Jayden had clearly loved Josh. I could never know just how deep and true his feeling rang, but one thing was certain, Kendall hadn't been the love Jayden's life like she'd let everyone believe.

So why did my parents still let her in? Why did she need to grieve with us when she was a liar?

All of the arguments had felt sort of pointless. Yelling at my parents would not change anything. Yelling at anyone would not make what had happened between me and Kendall disappear.

I would have to learn how to deal with this.

Honestly, for a second, I kind of wished Doctor Boseman had never said anything. I could had gone on with my life blissfully ignorant. Even if a part of me knew what he was saying was true, even if deep inside I'd always known this, always felt this.

I'd been able to ignore it before.

I couldn't now.

And I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do.

Generally, I would have jumped on a treadmill and ran my anger away.

But, my head still hurt and it felt like running would just make the pounding worst, so instead I went to my painting shack and sat in front of Lexi's present.

Maybe I should have gone to the Graysons's instead. Maybe I should not have burst at my parents.

I'd clearly taken them by surprised.

But they hadn't said anything... satisfying. In the heat of the moment, I couldn't even remember if they' apologize to me for it. And even if they had, I wanted to tell them that I didn't care about them being sorry. I wanted them to have protected me.

I looked at the painting I'd been working on. Little Blake and little Lexi standing together.

How different my life would have been if we had moved here sooner?

Jayden would still be alive.

I probably would have been friends with Lexi from the start. Maybe I would have started dating her much sooner too. Apparently she had a crush on me when we were younger, so it was possible.

Our lives would have been completely different.

Maybe Josh and Jayden would be dating too.

That was still kind of wild for me to process. It didn't make sense. But it kind of did at the same time.

Learning all these things about my brother lately was like meeting a completely different person than the one I grew up with.

I really hadn't known my brother, never truly.

I'd seen him as someone grander than life.

But now he felt like someone else entirely.

I stayed sitting on my stool in front of my painting for what felt like hours and then finally picked up my phone from my pocket.

Lexi had texted me, asking me about my headache, checking up on me to see if I was okay.

It was getting late. I hoped she wasn't worried.

Part of me wanted to run back to her. Part of me didn't want her to have to deal with my breakdowns all the time. She deserved better than that.

Still, I was selfish, so I called her. She picked up quickly, like she'd been waiting for my call.

"Hey," she answered softly.

"Hey," I replied, swivelling on my stool.

"How are you feeling?" my Pumpkin asked.

I felt good to have her ask me this, and to know I could be honest. "Like shit," I told her truthfully.

"Just from the headache?" she asked, like she knew.

She probably could hear it form my tone. My Pumpkin knew me well after all.

"From everything," I admitted.

"Did you go talk to Josh again?"

I sighed, looking up at the ceiling. "Yeah."

Lexi took a second before she asked, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Did I? I wasn't sure. Talking about my brother and Josh's feelings felt like something kind of private. I didn't know how much I was ready to tell. Josh had kept it secret for so long. It would feel like a sort of betrayal if I told Lexi the second I knew.

I would have to ask Josh how he felt about me talking about it.

"I really didn't know my brother in the end," I admitted, keeping the details to myself for now. "I was so sure I knew everything about him, that I was the one that knew him the best. I was so wrong."

"It's not because you don't know every little detail about someone that you love them any less, you know," she told me, trying to be supportive.

"You're right. But I just feel like I didn't love the real him. I was never allowed to."

"You knew what was in his heart, that's all that matters in the end."

I chuckled humourlessly. "That's the thing though. I didn't even know his heart."

I heard Lexi take a slow breath and then ask, "Do you want me to come over?"

She could hear how torn I felt. I wasn't hiding it that well. I didn't really want to hide it from her, really.

"No, it's okay. I'll be fine. I just had a lot of things dumped on me in a short amount of time. I'll get over it," I tried to reassure her.

"You don't have to do that alone," she reminded me.

I smiled. "I know. But I also think I need to figure out how I feel on my own."

"Do you want to talk about it. Your feelings I mean?"

I sighed, and stretched, done with all the sadness for now. "No. I want you to tell me about your day."

Lexi snorted in surprise at the change of subject. "My day?"

"Yes, tell me in great details how your day went. Did you miss me?"

"Immensely," she assured me in a firm tone, playing along.

As always, I was so grateful for her.

"Are you sniffing the pillow I slept on?" I teased her.

There was a noticeable pause. "Maaaaaybe."

I laughed. It felt good.

"Speaking of which, am I ever going to get any of my hoodies back?" I asked her, grinning now.

"Absolutely. As soon as they stop smelling like you."

"And how long do you think that's going to take?"

"Who knows? Why? Are you missing your clothes?" she asked, like that was a problem.

I chuckled again. "A little bit, yes."

"Fine, I'll give you one hoodie back."

"One? Just one," I asked, gapping at no one.

"I know, so very generous of me." I could imagine her nodding proudly.

"You have problems."

"No, you just smell really good."

"Did you know that if you think I smell good, it's because we are biologically compatible?"

"Great, we'll make wonderful babies then," she replied way too quickly and easily.

I kind of choked on air. "You're not allowed to stay stuff like that in the evening."

"When am I allowed to stay stuff like that, then?" she answered, sounding satisfied.

I was pretty sure my Pumpkin enjoyed making me flustered.

I enjoyed it too, if I was being honest.

"Not in the evening. Or in the morning. Or ever."

"Whatever, I still think we'll make wonderful babies."

"Don't say that too loud, I don't want your shark father to hear," I warned her.

Her father was probably listening in already, and I would get in trouble now.

"I'm sure he'll be ecstatic to become a grandfather."

"Yeah, in like ten years."

"So, that's our sex timetable?"

"Jesus fucking Christ," I snapped, throwing my head back.

"Are you laughing?" Lexi asked, a smile in her voice.

"Yeah," I admitted, a grin on my face.

"Good."

How easily she distracted me.

"I love you," I simply told her.

"I know," she replied, the smile still in her voice. "I love you too."

"Thank you for this."

"You're welcome."

I sighed. "Alright, go to bed now. Sniff the pillow and try to sleep."

"With pleasure. Try to sleep too.," she said softly.

"I will," I agreed and then we both hung up.

I started at my phone and then back up at my painting.

I was going to be okay. 

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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! :D

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Blake still needs to sort out his feelings. And I wanted to add a nice little Blexi moment in there too, to balance out al the heavier stuff I've been throwing your way. Hopefully, all of it feel right for you. :D

In other news, I came back home to my parents' house to celebrate my sister's birthday. I played with my niece and nephew, too, so it was a lot of fun, because they're getting older and they actually understand what's happening now. I actually drove back home with my brother and he decided to be in charge of the music, which consisted of playing My Heart will Go On by Celine Dion, Hurt by Christina Aguilera, Bubbly by Colbie Caillat, and Can You Feel the Love Tonight from the Lion King amongst other things. We're leaving in the morning, and he's told me that he has a very specific plan for our playlist, so I'm very curious. XD My brother amuses me greatly.

Anyway, I should go to bed now, because we're leaving early in the morning and I should try to sleep like a functioning human being.

Thanks for reading this chapter! I love you guys! :D See y'all next week! <3