Chapter 77

When we woke up in the morning, my parents' little weather speech hadn't been wrong.

There was a proper snowstorm and school was cancelled.

Snow days brought a particular sense of joy, like an unexpected present.

I loved snow. I had kind of always hoped I'd be able to masterfully paint it. It was such a more complex subject then adding white to a canvas. Snow was a kaleidoscope of colours.

Lexi wanted to sleep in, so I left my girlfriend in my room and headed to my painting shack, trudging through the snowstorm. She didn't mention last night, and I was grateful for it, while feeling a little disappointed too. It was a weird feeling. Part of me thought that maybe if she scolded me, I'd snap out of it. And another part of me was not ready to have any kind of conversation about my inability to sleep with my girlfriend.

My shack was as good as a hideout as I would find in this weather.

I was grateful for the insight of putting in a heater here, and cranked up the heat, getting cozy in my painting space.

Usually, I made plans before I started to paint, but this time, I just started to mix colors and went with the inspiration.

I needed to paint snow.

That was the only focus on my mind. And then as I added paint to the canvas, the landscape started to turn into something more specific and I was seeing people in there and a scene.

It was one of those times when I got so engrossed with my work that I had no idea what time it was, or how long I'd been working. All I knew was that there was a scene in my and I needed to paint it.

Eventually, when my little day project was starting to look like something, I heard Lexi's soft voice behind me, "knock, knock, knock."

I turned around, greeted by her warm smile despite her cold pink cheeks, snow stuck in her hair.

Something in my chest pinched at the sight. I smiled back at her, as she started to take off her coat and boots. "Oh, hey."

"I come bearing food," my girlfriend told me, showing me the bag she was holding in her hands which I presumed contained one of Anita's creation.

"What time is it?" I asked, feeling a little confused. I looked outside through he window. Was it getting dark, or was that just the snowstorm?

Lexi chuckled at my question. "It's almost dinner time actually."

I almost snorted. "Wow, already?"

"Yep," She said, and handed me the food.

Now that my attention was away from my canvas, I realized that I was actually starving.

I rummaged through the bag like a feral racoon and took one of the burritos out. "I'm so sorry, we missed the whole day together," I told Lexi, feeling apologetic.

It wasn't her fault that her boyfriend was a coward.

The big black cloud of dark thoughts started to storm in my head, but I tried to reel it in.

Lexi didn't seem that concerned anyway. "Bah, don't worry about it. It was a good thing. I'm all done with school work now, and I've been trying to read Tuck Everlasting in French by using the English version and your dictionaries."

I kind of wished I'd seen this. Lexi was trying to learn French, but it wasn't going as smoothly as she thought it was going to go. My girlfriend was stubborn and a usually good student, so she'd somehow convinced herself that learning a new language wasn't going to be that difficult. Unfortunately for her, French made no sense.

"How's that going?" I ask, unable to keep the grin off my lips.

"I read one page." She sighed, and pitifully added, "in two hours."

"Aw, I'm so proud of you Pumpkin." I praised her, laughing.

With the way she was glaring at me, I knew exactly what name she was going to call me even before she did. "Little bitch..." she grumbled, and I just laughed more because my Pumpkin was so predictable. "So, almost done with that painting?" she asked, and headed to the bed in the corner of the shack to sit on it. She was easily distracted, my girlfriend. I often liked that about her.

"Not nearly," I whined, throwing my head back, and ate some more. I was painting a scenes where two kids were playing in the snow, but I was still struggling with the snow. The lighting was all wrong. "Painting snow is really hard because it's never truly white," I admitted. "If you wouldn't have come in, I probably wouldn't have eaten. And I would have ended up on that bed."

"I always wondered why you had a bed in here."

I finished my burrito and grabbed another one from the bag. I was basically inhaling them with how starving I was. "Well, that's why. Because sometimes I get so engrossed by one of my projects that I don't see time pass, and I get dog tired and I don't even have the energy to crawl back into the house."

Lexi became quiet after that, snooping around my space, while she let me eat more.

She eventually landed in front of a pile of unfinished projects.

"You have so many painting stacked up. Is there a reason why you aren't showing them to me? Any Stacey nudes?" she teased.

I rolled my eyes, but chuckled. "Funny. No, they're just all old projects, so that means I never finished them. Before you I started a lot of things, but never had the heart to complete them."

It was different now. Partly because of her. Partly because of therapy. Partly because of my own effort. Partly because I was probably growing up and growing out of my grief. This broken version of me, I was done with it. I didn't want to be defined by my darkest moments and darkest thoughts. I wanted to be better. I wanted to be someone that could finish things, that wasn't scared of something ending anymore.

I wanted to be someone worthy of Lexi's love. Someone capable of showing her just how much I truly loved her.

"But hey, if you want me to make nudes, I'd be more then happy to get you a tacky heart shaped necklace and draw you," I added teasingly, to lighten the mood.

"And then we can have sex in a car?"

I rolled my eyes. "Because our first time should definitely be in a car."

I regretted saying this immediately after the words left my lips. We weren't talking about it. Why was I the one bringing it up? I should have kept my mouth shut, because now there was a little frown forming in between my girlfriend's eyebrows.

"So, where should it be then?" my Pumpkin asked me, looking straight in my eyes.

It was always a little bit unsettling when Lexi was being bold like this and I was suddenly feeling vulnerable. I'd kept the jerk front up for so long. It was strange when I wasn't the one making innuendos.

"Not a car..." I trailed, my eyes fixed on the last bit of food in my hands before I gobbled it.

"What are you waiting for Blake?" she softly asked.

There was no judgement in her voice. No pressure. Just genuine curiosity, and kind concern.

"What do you mean?" I whispered, closing my eyes.

I knew what she meant, but I was a coward, as previously established.

My Pumpkin was having none of it.

She came to stand in front of me, so close my knees pressed to her thighs. "I mean, what are you waiting for? I love you," she said, like it was all that mattered. And honestly, it kinda was.

"I love you too," I replied, opening my eyes to look in hers. Whatever was happening, or not happening between us, it wasn't because of lack of love.

It was lack of... what? Confidence? Courage? Of any kind of fate in myself?

"I know," she told me, and took one of my hands in hers, kissing my palm. "We love each other and I know you want this, us together, so what are you waiting for Blake?"

"You're not doing it for the first time in a car," I replied, swallowing loudly, while looking away.

It was easier, to turn to humour. Because the other option was to admit that I had no idea why I was putting it off. I had no idea why my brain was so messed up.

"But don't you know this?" Her hand that wasn't holding mine went to my chin and lifted it, forcing me to look in her eyes. "I don't care about where it's going to be. I told you I didn't want hotel room and rose petals and grand plans. I just want you. You're the only important aspect in this whole first time thing."

I closed my eyes unable to look in hers anymore after this confession.

I knew this. Of course, I knew this. She didn't have to say it. But hearing it... it was still... a lot.

What could I tell her? How could I explain it to her when I could barely explain it to myself?

"What's wrong Blake?" she pressed.

"What's wrong is, this will be your first time, but it won't be mine."

Yes. This was one of my shames. One I didn't dare to admit, but saying it out loud made me realize just how much this affected me.

Lexi looked at me with almost amused eyes, not feeling the same gravity I was. "Yeah, I was kind of aware of that."

"But do you have any idea how bad I feel about that?" I told her, trying to make her understand.

"Why would you feel bad? We weren't dating before. You couldn't have known."

"But I should have waited." My hands went up to her face, cradling it between my palms. "I loved you so much, yet I assumed I had missed my chance with you, that I'd never even have any chance with you, and I was stupid and I should have waited for you."

I felt so unworthy of her first time. I hadn't even been unable to wait for her, and yet, here she was, loving me, offering me all of her? Why couldn't I have waited?

Lexi covered my hands with hers. "But I don't care Blake. The past is in the past. The only thing I care about is our future together."

"But I care."

"And if you keep caring about that, then how do you want our relationship to grow? How do you expect us to be a healthy couple if you're still punishing yourself for something that truly doesn't matter in the end?"

Of course she made sense. But when had anything been logical when it came to how my brain functioned?

"I don't know..."

"Look, if you want to tell me that you want to wait until we're married because you've suddenly found God and don't want to live in sin, fine with me, I can deal with that, but I'd just like to know. I want a real, honest, logical reason. I don't want you to punish yourself for no reason. And me in the process."

I'd listened to her, to everything, but one part struck a particular chord, and I couldn't help the corner of my mouth lifting. "You want to marry me?"

Lexi rolled her eyes at me. "Well, right now I kind of want to punch you, but yes, in the future I'd like to marry you, if you'd have me."

If I'd have her? God, this girl. She really needed to realize the person dating up wasn't her. It was me. I'd only ever been hers, despite all my past mistakes.

And maybe that was the only thing that matter in the end.

Even when I was with other people, in my heart, in my soul, I'd always been hers. No one had even been able to own me the way she had, even when she didn't even know I was hers. Even when she didn't even care about me.

I was hers.

Always.

Despite my mistakes. Despite not waiting.

Hers.

I got up, and without letting go of her precious face, pressed my forehead against hers. "Damn, I love you Pumpkin."

She gave me a shy smile. "I love you too, you idiot."

"I just..." I let out a sigh, closed my eyes, trying to recollect my thoughts, and opened them again. He sighed, closed his eyes, and opened them again. "I feel like I don't deserve you, like I'm not worthy enough."

I needed to say this. She needed to know.

But apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because now my girlfriend was glaring at me. "Are you fracking kidding me?"

"What?"

"Say that one more time and I'll slap some sense into you, Vanessa's style." I kinda snorted at that, against my better judgement. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so sad before you came into my life, but you made things better. You made me better. And I love you for it. I love you so much, and I want to be able to show you just how much I love you," as she said this, she stepped closer to me again.

She loved me. As much as I loved her. I knew this, but I still didn't quite believe it. How could she love me as much as I loved her, when I loved her with everything inside of me?

But she did. Maybe if I finally accepted this, I'd be a better boyfriend.

"How much do you love me?" I whispered.

"I love you despite your insecurities," she said, and before I could do or say anything, grabbed the back of my head, pulling me towards her to press her lips against mine. I didn't fight this. I could never fight this. Why would I even want to fight this?

She broke out kiss and added softly, "I love you even if you don't always love yourself."

As she said those words, she pulled me with her, quite easily, I might add.

"I love you for how beautiful you are inside and out," she continued, warming my chest, as she gently pushed me down on her bed, and straddled me. My hands went to her thighs, my eyes looking in hers.

"I love you for the good you see in me," she said, and kissed me again, while moving her hips in such a way that she knew would create a reaction. I let out of groan that died in her mouth, while making quick work of disposing of our shirts.

We'd done this dance before. I could do this dance.

I wanted to do this dance.

But did I want more? Was I ready for more?

Should I stop Lexi? Should I encourage her?

As I thought this, she broke her kiss, only to lean her face down to my collarbone, pushing me all the way back. "I love you from here to here," she breathe against my skin, her lips trailing all the way down to my hipbone.

This already felt so good, and I loved her so much. Why would I stop this? How could I not want more?

I wanted more. She wanted more.

My breathing was shallow, head pressed against my pillow.

I said her name in a sigh while she discarded our pants.

In nothing more than our underwear, Lexi's lips came crashing down back on mine, kissing me fervently. It felt so good to kiss her, to be kissed by her, to feel her skin against mine.

More skin. I wanted to feel more of her.

My hand slipped in the back of her panties, kneading at her butt, pressing her against me.

She felt good right here.

She moaned in my mouth and I just got harder.

And it just got harder to have clear thoughts.

But I needed to have clear thoughts.

Or maybe I didn't. Maybe I needed to stop thinking and overthinking. I was always on Lexi's case about overthinking, but I was worst than her.

Maybe I needed to stop thinking with my head. Well, the upper head.

My kissed turned more feverish.

Lexi's hand slipped between us, heading in a dangerous direction.

With all the self control I had, I broke our kiss, and said breathlessly, "Lexi... wait, maybe..."

My Pumpkin didn't let me finish. "Maybe what Blake?"

Maybe what exactly?

What more argument did I have to throw at her to try to convince myself that I wasn't dying to finally make love to my girlfriend?

I grabbed Lexi around the waist and switched our position, hovering over her. And then because she was sinfully too tempting, pressed kissed between her breasts. "You can never complain that I didn't cover the bed with rose petals and that it wasn't even a double bed. That it wasn't romantic enough."

When I said this, it was like a part of me knew now.

It was going to happen today.

I was ready.

__________________________

Happy Monday my little Pumpkins!

It's been a while. I'm sorry. I kinda disappeared from everywhere. Lots of stuff happened, and I needed a break, so I just disconnected from everything. 

Thanks for waiting for me. <3

I'll be back to a regular schedule very soon. I wanted to have a few chapters up in advance on Patreon, that's why I waited before I started to upload again. (if you can't wait for next week's chapter it's up at patreon.com/kariannegiard)

So, next week's chapter, you'll get all the details. ;P And then I'll start to upload Virgin and the Whore weekly again next week on Tuesdays. And Life in Paintings, hopefully daily until I'm done. For my other stories, I have a bit more planning to do so I'll keep you updated about an eventual schedule for Tenth Knot and Family Crown, but that might be later in the winter.

Also, I have a few plans for other projects. I'm gonna be putting sneak peeks on Patreon (on the none paying part of it) and on instagram of future projects and what-not. The motivation is back now, so I'm excited to share all my plans and to work on everything. 

Thanks again, for your patience and for sticking around! it really means a lot! :')

LOVE YOU GUYS! See you all next week!