Chapter 15

Like any other human being, Annika had an ego. While it wasn't mountain high that makes her deny her mistake, but was molehill high to make her deny acceptance of her prejudice. And that is why she delayed repentance for judging Shivay harshly.

The very next day after she left Shivay's house fuming, with help of sleep and copious work to bring back her rationality, Annika started to wonder if she was unnecessarily rude.

She knew men, especially the ones who saw her as an easy pick because of her background and single mother status. Long ago, Annika has learned the hard way that people will change colour as they deem fit. Her loving mother who disowned her because of her one juvenile mistake and the young innocent boy she fell in love with turn into a heartless prick were good examples to make Annika believe that people are going to love and respect her only till they want it. She is not going to be constant apple of the eye no matter how much she craves for it. So, in a very humanly cynical way, Annika wouldn't put it past Shivay to insinuate what she suspected. After all he was a human, a man.

However, a small part of her still fought back with fire that Shivay couldn't steep so low. Yes, there was that 'accidental' touches, but they could have been genuinely a mistake.  

Annika no more had to pretend to at least herself that she doesn't like Shivay. She does. More than him, she liked the idea of him. He is exactly the kind of man she had dreamed about as kid for herself when she was 'old' enough, the kind of man she hoped Anurag would turn out in future, the kind of man who would give her the kind of life she wished for.

There was nothing extraordinary about Shivay. He was as human as they come. Probably, that made him more appealing. He seemed like a man who would be a loyal husband, attentive father, hardworking provider and a complete family man. He could provide the safe, cocooned domesticity that Annika craved. Above all, he saw her for who she is and accepted her for the same.

Under different circumstances, if Annika hadn't been a bratty, impulsive teenager and stuck with her mother, got good education and got a job in a MNC like Shivay and met him as a fellow colleague, they could have fallen in love like they show in TV shows. Imagining these impossible, inappropriate scenarios have become Annika's favourite pass time.

Initial shock of what Annika thought Shivay was propositioning was only soon followed by self doubts wondering if she had given him any hints of her feelings. Then her double standards glared at her for taking him to task for having feelings for her when she was sailing in the same boat. That made her realize if she was actually angry about the feelings part of how he expressed it. Eventually, she settled to debating if she had understood his words correctly. Though 'within four walls' did sound clandestine, she was not sure if Shivay meant what she feared.

All the retrospection took Annika the whole week. By the time it was Saturday, she got hang of her clouded thoughts. So, when she spotted Shivay in front of her new workplace, leaning on his car with forlorn expression, she didn't throw any tantrum before getting in his car and driving to the nearby cafe where she knew she had as much explanation to give as there is to get.

"This is only sixth for the day." Shivay laughed awkward as he emptied sugar sachet into his coffee trying his best to make light of the situation.

Annika nodded. There wasn't a smile, but there could have been a small curve of lips.

Silence between them made the sounds of their surrounding prominent unnerving both of them.

"Annika." Shivay said with finality knowing that she isn't going to make it easy for him this time by being the mature beyond her age self. "I need to apologize." He held his hands together. "I know what I am apologizing for. Poorly put words. But, Annika, I am not going to apologize for what was in my mind."

Annika leaned forward in her chair. "What was in your mind?"

Annika was done with thinking and analyzing. Now, she is going to make him tell her everything in clear words.

Shivay looked down at his clasped hands debating with himself if he should say it to her or not. Past week wasn't easy for him. After his past, taking accusation for no mistake of his doesn't come easy for him. He felt equal parts angry and helpless. He had to control himself from calling Annika the same night for confrontation, though deep inside he knew it would turn ugly considering the mood they were both in. What stopped Shivay was a crucial lesson his past taught him to not react immediately for that will only put him in weaker spot. Not that he saw Annika as an opposition party, but he knew that to make her understand him, she should understand her first. So, Shivay took whole five days to calm him and arrive at clear comprehension of her plight and his feelings.

The worst is over, Shivay told himself. She misunderstood him, walked out on him and he had lived five days thinking things will not go back to normal between them. So, he saying anything now cannot possible backfire. It's either a swim or a shore, no drown.

Bracing himself, Shivay cleared his throat, "I like you, Annika. "

Annika's mouth fell open not because of the confession, but because of the suddenness.

"I don't remember when it exactly started, but it has been taking root in my heart and growing fast for few weeks now. The other day, I was trying to convey this in a more subtle manner and surely I didn't do a good job at that." Shivay sighed wiping his face. "The four walls that you so adamantly assumed to be an affair was actually meant as a metaphor. "He chuckled. "We both are victims of harsh judgements of society. So, we both know better than to care about what it thinks. I thought maybe that will make us arrive at a decision having only us in mind and not the society."

Annika was relived for he has told her exactly what the angel in the right side of her shoulder whispered everyday in spite of the devil on the other side contradicting mercilessly.

"I was planning to act." Annika said after few seconds. "Act like I just want to be your friend. Act like I didn't have any feelings for you. I was convinced after few months, things will go back to normal. You will move on with a girl who your mother will fight to make your marry and I can carry on my life with Vihaan." Annika held the coffee cup but didn't make effort to drink it."Past hasn't turned me into a stone. I am still very much a woman at heart. When I see a man like you, obviously my heart is bound to feel something." Annika gasped out air and leaned back in her chair. "But, my past hasn't yet turned me into someone frivolous and wary of relationship. I am a mother and there is not a bigger commitment than that."

Shivay frowned not able to make context of her words.

"I played your words from Sunday again and again in my mind. And I without doubt was able to infer that you don't have high opinion about commitments in conventional sense. Please correct me if I am wrong." Annika paused giving him time to reply, but when he didn't she continued. "Whatever you expect us to get in together, will it have any future, ever?"

Shivay shifted his eyes from her and stared down at his empty coffee cup. If she is asking about what he thinks she is asking, then surely his answer would be no.

"Annika, do you mean..."

"Is it going to be like we see each other, but future unclear?"

Shivay's lips thinned. "I can't marry again." He said narrowing his eyes.

Annika nodded. She didn't expect a different answer.

"So, it is like what I said. Friends with benefits. Or maybe a more dignified term, girlfriend?"

"Annika, I don't understand why it should be a problem. We both tried marriage before and it didn't work for us. And we both know just the term doesn't bring any magic to the relationship. Why can't we not put any term to what we share?"

"You know, I would have agreed with you at blink of an eye under different circumstance. But, you don't understand why I say this."

"I really don't." Shivay argued. "Aren't you the one who told me that what society thinks doesn't matter and we should do what makes us happy? If we make each other happy, then we should get together and explore where it goes, shouldn't we? And just for your assurance, I will be completely loyal. I will respect you, treat you well... come on, you know all this. "

"It isn't about society."

"I know you are not a prude, Annika. So,what is it about then? Morals?  Religious ideology? "

"My son." Annika interrupted his words. Shivay looked at her taken aback. Why didn't he think of young Vihaan?

Annika saw realization dawn on Shivay and he looked at her bemused as her words made sense to him.

"I have a young son. I can't be going around with you like a young, carefree girl. Do you have any idea what effect it will have on his mental health? Of course, I am not a prude, but I don't want Vihaan to be caught in this maelstrom. What do you expect me to tell him when he sees you and me together? "

Annika let Shivay process what she said while she took sips of water from her bottle.

"Frankly, I don't expect a father for Vihaan. I know my boy will turn out impeccable even with single parent. But, I can't let you be part of our life one minute and walk out another when you find out it isn't working. I can't do that to Vihaan."

"Do you think marriage will make it better? " Shivay chuckled. "Take it from me, marriage doesn't come with guarantee card."

"It isn't about marriage." Annika closed her eyes as she didn't know how to say what she felt. "It will not work with us in anyway. Vihaan is my priority and I don't think I can sneak behind him with you. I already feel guilty for many things that I am not able to give him. I am not going to add being selfish to that list."

Shivay shook his head. "I want to convince you, Annika, very badly. But, I don't think I can place any argument in front of a mother who wants to protect her son. I have always admired you for how you are with Vihaan. He is one lucky boy." Shivay said. "I wish we were able to be together. I could have made you as happy as you make me, I swear. But, life isn't always giving."

The sadness in his voice choked Annika's emotion also and she reached for his hand over the table.

"You are an amazing man. Whatever happened in your past isn't your mistake. Don't let it ruin a happy life that you can build with the right girl."

Shivay only nodded even though he knew there will not be another girl who will make him feel even half of what Annika makes him feel.

"At least we know our feeling is reciprocated." Annika smiled.

Shivay chuckled and leaned forward in the chair taking Annika's hand that was above his in his hold.

"I really, really like you. I don't think I have ever felt this way about anyone. Not even Tanissha. You bring out the best in me. You will always have a place in my heart, Annika. You and Vihaan. I ...." he trailed off with a sad smile.

Annika didn't say anything. She only hoped that her smile lifted her cheeks enough to hide the tears that were forming in her eyes. Her heart broke looking at Shivay's distraught face knowing he merely reflected what her feeling is also.

If one...

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