Chapter 19

Annika was lying on her bed playing with strands of her hair absentminded. She had an early dinner of instant noodles with egg that day. Though sleep has eluded her, much like other nights of the week, she found herself lying on the bed ideally rather than surfing through the internet for best PG programs.

Annika wondered how this night would have been spent in the hypothetical universe where her courtship week with Shivay was not cut short by his mother falling ill suddenly. Shivay didn't seem the romantic type and Annika was only more concerned about making memories rather that how they made it. So perhaps they must have ended up in a restaurant or Annika could have even cooked for him at his place. Would they have returned from the impromptu drive and stay at a hotel already? It was still Sunday after all. Could they have spent two more nights in each other's proximity and not broke the no sleeping together rule?

Annika has been celibate ever since she found out that she was pregnant. Her life was thrown with one challenge after another that she never really had time to think of pleasures of the body. Even now Annika didn't think about it with vivid eagerness. It was more a fleeting thought whenever images of kiss on the hand played in her mind.

Does it make her a s!ut if she conjures images of her and Shivay in the throes of passion?

It was easier when she was a teenager with less morals and even less ethics. God knows she was one curious rat when it came to sex. After all the complications that balled up her life, sex seemed like the most over hyped phenomena. Few months ago, she couldn't think about sex without scrunching her nose in distaste because of all the suggestive eyes and leering words that was carelessly thrown at her only because she was a young, single mother. Even few days ago, nothing she felt for Shivay seemed remotely close to lustful. Yes, he was attractive and she experienced the butterfly in stomach moments like a naiveté. But, nothing really felt sexual. Now, however, Annika couldn't stop imagining the look or feel of his lips. Then there was this one dream that she had unexpectedly when she was taking a nap in the afternoon.

It was not explicit enough to unnerve Annika. She might even call it sweet. The scene was hazy as if someone has applied a photo filter to her dreams. She was lying on the bed on her side with Shivay's arm thrown over her waist carelessly. Her dream brain knows that it was wee hours of the morning after an exhausting night of passion and they both were naked under the sheets. It was as if some parts of dream were fast forwarded, because next thing Annika saw was Shivay hovering over her kissing her throat while she was glowing with a smile on her face. The dream didn't visualize the part where his hand was on her bare waist, but her dream brain knew what he was doing. Annika saw a naughty glint in his eyes and knowing smirk, something she has never seen in Shivay's face in real life. A complete product of her imagination, but it felt so apt. There was a feeling of his hands going south from her waist. That is when Annika woke up startled. Breathing heavily with quick heartbeats and throbbing in that part of the body that she has almost declared apathetic, Annika realized that she was deeper in her feelings for Shivay than she realized.

Annika kept staring at the wall for hours together thinking about everything and nothing that involved Shivay and her. She was thankful that Vihaan wasn't here to see this disoriented side of his mother.

Initially Annika was sold to the idea that Karma was the reason why her week with Shivay was spoiled. She became a selfish mother by sending Vihaan away for a week to spend time with Shivay and it was God's way of reprimanding her for it. Thankfully her everyday phone call with Vihaan and his 'I am having best time of my life' sentence managed to lessen the guilt.

Annika turned in her bed and moved closer to the window to look how the moonless night was illuminated with the artificial lights. How will this night change if Shivay was by her side?

Shivay would have started by saying some fact about moon and sky. Then he would have shared a childhood anecdote, before he involves her in the conversation and let her speak whatever she wants without fear of judgements. He had a way of making her feel less conscious in his presence. She can be whoever she wants, she can say anything she thinks and he will not judge her. Shivay is the most sensitive and considerate man she has seen after her father. Was he the same way with his wives?

Annika didn't like thinking about his ex-wives. They were part of his life when she didn't even know him. So, nothing about them can bother her on personal front. However, she was angry on his behalf. They both had played a number on him. If they hadn't left such deep scars on him, maybe he would be more willing to consider a life with her.

Annika sighed heavily. How will her life be if she married Shivay Singh Oberoi?

She already knows more about him than any married couple could boast and vice versa. She knows his quirks, he knows her obsessions. They will not be like a newly married couple who frown while discovering new things about each other. They will be like an old couple who smirk and roll eyes at each other's annoying habits.

Annika laughed at the image her mind conjured them as married couple.

Then there is Vihaan, of course.

Annika's heart warmed recollecting how Shivay admitted to liking Vihaan for the kind and smart boy that he is. Annika knew all about men warming up to Vihaan in hope of getting into her pants. She knew Shivay wasn't that kind. Those tricks were beneath him. He truly cared about Vihaan.

Will Shivay and Vihaan share a father son bond if ever....

Annika's mind pushed in front an image of Shivay and Vihaan working on presentation together. Her heart clenched with so much happiness that it pained her.

If her life could be all this, then she surely will die of happiness.

The week didn't go the way they planned. However, Annika was going to indulge in unapologetic fantasy not worrying about hurting her own fragile heart with all the hope she is giving it. This week was meant to be spent in the name of their togetherness and Annika was going to fulfil it.

Closing her eyes, Annika imagined his eyes and lips and smile before she fell into slow slumber hoping her dreams gave her a life that she cannot even hope for.

***

Annika was in half mind to stop the cab that just now dropped her and go back home. Her decision to come visit Shivay's mother, Radha, after knowing she was bought from their hometown for treatment for heart problem in city hospital was well thought about. Yet, now, standing in front of the hospital, Annika felt nervous.

Last time when Annika met Radha, she was only an unassuming house help. Now, Annika had lived a life, albeit in dreams, as wife of her son even going as far as giving Radha two grandchildren. If Annika could stand in front of Radha without shivering like a mischievous kid in Principal room, it will be her biggest achievement.

"Annika." Shivay walked around the rows of chairs meant for out-patients before he joined Annika near the main door.

Annika had already informed him that she was going to visit his mom at hospital. Now that he has seen her there is no excuse or going back.

"Hey!" He tried to smile seeing her, but it didn't reach his eyes. He looked completely exhausted. For the past five days, he must have been in complete distress with his mom's pain shooting up to extent of needing immediate intensive medical care. He only contacted her twice. Once to let her know that he has reached his hometown and second time to let her know he was back in the city for his mother's operation. He probably hadn't even shaved since last Friday.

When Annika called him in the afternoon to enquire after his mother's health, listening to his worn out voice, Annika couldn't help but commit to visit his mother. Truly all she wanted was to support him, be there for him. His distraught tone hurt her like she never expected. She just wanted to see him and assure him and herself that everything is going to be alright.

Annika's steps fell behind Shivay as they walked to the room where his mom was resting after the surgery. Shivay informed her that his mom was fine now and the doctors hoped that she could be discharged in couple of days. Annika nodded distracted all the while wondering how his mother was going to react seeing her. Has Shivay ever mentioned to his mother that Annika is more than his ex house help? Will she think it is presumptuous of Annika to come to hospital to see her?

"Annika, where are you lost?" Shivay has stooped in his strides and was now looking at Annika concerned. "Are you okay?"

Annika nodded her head wetting her lips. "Yeah." She whispered inaudibly.

"Anyway, thanks for coming, Annika." He said taking Annika's hand in his. "It means a lot. The past few days have been..." he exhaled loudly. He didn't bother to finish the sentence, but Annika understood.

He looked behind him at the closed door of the room, probably where his mother was. "Mom is a bit cranky." He turned to look at her with lips pressed together. "Don't mind if she says anything inappropriate."

That definitely didn't calm Annika's nerves. No backing now, though. So, Annika braced herself and entered the room with Shivay.

Radha was nothing what Annika expected her to be. Signs of pain and fatigue were certainly visible in her languid body, but her eyes were bright and her words were swift with glee. Annika knew the reason could neither be her or even Shivay for that matter. She placed the bets on the third person in the room. A tall, dusky, brown eyed woman in her late twenties, who was introduced to Annika as Lavanya, who kept addressing Radha as 'auntyji' and who kept throwing shy smiles at Shivay.

"It was very kind of you to visit me." Radha smiled." What was your name again?"

"Annika..."

"Ah! Yes." Radha said but Annika was sure she didn't remember her name.

While Annika was trying not to make her interest in Lavanya obvious by staring at her openly, Radha was busy telling Lavanya all about the building Shivay lived and how there will be no problem in finding maid in such posh locality.

Annika's eyes fleeted to Shivay for a minute who was reading something sincerely from Doctor's report. Sensing her eyes on him, he lifted his head and flashed her small smile before going back to reports.

A bile rose in Annika's stomach and she suddenly had a foreboding feeling. She didn't know how to explain the feeling of uneasiness she felt.

"Mom, I am going to nurse's station to inform about the IV drips ending." Shivay nodded at Annika before he went out.

Annika turned her complete attention to Radha and Lavanya.

"You should ask Anitha how kids friendly the apartment is." Radha now turned to Annika who arched her eyebrows in confusion.

"It is Annika." She said realizing both women were now looking at her for some sort of affirmation about what they were talking.

Radha chuckled breaking the awkward pause. Ignoring Annika once again, she took Lavanya's hand in hers and smiled.

"I am glad that Shivay agreed to think about marriage with you."

There Radha has said what Annika has been petrified to hear though a small part of her brain already figured it out.

"See, this, my plight is all because of my worry for him." Radha continued. "If you marry him, I can live in peace knowing you will take care of him."

Annika slipped away without both the women noticing, not that they would miss her presence.

Reality hits you unconscious when it eventually strikes. Annika couldn't even breathe even though now she was outside the room in the balcony attached to the floor taking in fresh air.

What did Annika expect, that her life was some movie where Shivay's mother will look at her and grasp how much she has been pining for her son and ask her hand in marriage? That is the most ridiculous thing. This was real life where even if a mother chooses a divorce or a widow for her two times divorced son, she would want the girl to be in par with their social status. The girl should be educated, well bread, with a family, wealth and if it could be helped, without a kid. Not even in alternate universe will Radha want Shivay to marry Annika. However, what important question Annika wanted answer for was, will Shivay ever want to marry someone like Annika?

"There you are." Annika wiped a lone tear that has escaped her eyes, before turning to look at Shivay who jogged to her. "I thought you had left."

"I was waiting to say goodbye."

"Let me walk you to the cab."

Shivay was saying about his mother's plight and in between asking about Vihaan and his camp, while Annika was lost in her thoughts.

"Annika." He called."Did mom say something?"

Annika closed her eyes and nodded a no. "She was...just talking about Lavanya."

"Yeah, right." Shivay rolled his eyes before he made his way to vending maching. "Coffee?" he asked. Annika nodded. She could definitely use some.

"Mom has this weird theory that she is sick because she is worried about me being unmarried and all." He gave a cup to her before taking one for himself. "I don't know what is it with mothers and blackmail. Never do this to Vihaan okay?" Shivay smiled good naturedly. "She thinks solution to her sickness is not medicine, but Lavanya. Crazy." Shivay shook his head.

"So, you thought you could give her peace of mind by agreeing to marry Lavanya."

"Oh! No, definitely not agree. I just told her that I will think about it." Shivay shrugged. "She always wants her way with me. If I am little off guard I might even end up marrying Lavanya."

"How could you, Shivay?" Annika grinded her teeth so her voice didn't rise. They were now standing in the small garden in front of the hospital that was fairly less crowded, still Annika didn't want audience to their discussion.

"Excuse me!"

"Just few days ago you told me you like me. You were ready to explore everything under the sun to find an opportunity to be with except agreeing to give me commitment knowing that is the only thing I want from you. You were adamant not even to give that choice a thought. Now, you are telling me you are thinking about marrying someone your mother chose. How dare you?"

"Annika, please..." Shivay looked up and closed his eyes. "Not a fight again on the grounds of your assumption."

Annika's lips twitched as she looked at Shivay accusingly.

"My mother there is sick. As a dutiful son, I just told her what she wants to hear, okay? I didn't agree to marry anyone."

"At least you were thinking about it."

"Oh! Come on, Annika."

"You just now told me you might marry Lavanya if your mother gets more persistent. Are you denying?"

"That was a joke."

"Joke!" Annika scoffed as she folded her arms over her chest. "Am I a joke to you?"

Shivay cussed kicking the small stone near his foot. He didn't know how he always finds himself in such situation with Annika.

"You wouldn't even consider about considering marriage with me, would you?" Annika alleged. "Why? Because I was a house help? Or I am not well educated? Or I have a son? Why?"

"Annika you are taking this whole thing completely in different direction. You know how much I like you. Haven't I said it enough times? I adore Vihaan. He is..."

"And yet you wouldn't marry me?"

"I wouldn't marry anyone. Don't you get it?"

"Not even Lavanya?"

"For God's sake, Annika. I just wanted to please my sick mother even it is just a lie. Now, kill me for trying to be a good son."

Annika sniffed before wiping her face with hem of her dupatta.

"Our one week is over, Shivay. We lost the chance to spend it together. We both know it can't be postponed. So, what do you want to say?"

Shivay looked at Annika considering his words. He understood for some reason she was being extra sensitive today and he should be careful with whatever he said.

"Listen, Annika, I like you. Nothing is going to change that. No Lavanya. No marriage blackmail from mother. Nothing. I can offer you everything but marriage."

Annika's lips curved a little as if she was expecting him to say only this.

"I just want to know one thing Shivay. If your mother's blackmail persists, she is adamant to get you married, will you consider marriage?"

Shivay thought for a minute before replying. "No."

Shivay could see Annika's face colored with disappointment. She looked paler than she already was and his heart broke a little to see her sniff.

"Okay."

Shivay stood in the same place like a statue even minutes after Annika left the place with single, simple word. He was lost in wondering how to infer whatever transferred between them now. Only the notification from his phone, bought him back to the world. He wouldn't have bothered by it if it wasn't from Annika.

"I have to tell this to you, Shivay. You deserve to know. I have fallen for you. You have always told me how much you like me, but I have never told you the same, because I think a part of me always knew that I am in love. I respect whatever decision you take for your life. I don't know the depth of your past's scars. I don't know what to say to sooth those scars. I cannot make you to trust me enough to commit with me. Trust should come from within. Last time, in the cafe, when I walked away, I told you it was for Vihaan's sake. Now, today, I am walking away for my sake. I want you, but wholly. Settling for bits and pieces of you is like an insult to my feelings. I can't handle my heart breaking every time knowing you can't be mine in every sense. Maybe this is how it is meant for us. This is what is right for both of us. I love you, Shivay, with my whole heart. Hope someday you love yourself enough to let you live again. Good Bye!"

***

Longest chapter ever.

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