I sit up in bed scream crying. Dylan comes running into my room. "Emmie," He says. "What's wrong. Are you okay?"

My breathing is quick. I have tears in my eyes. And like a little child I cling to my brother like I would if my mom was here. He holds me there. He tells me I'll be alright. He aks me whats wrong.

Once I catch my breath I tell him that it was just a bad dream. I tell him I'll be fine.

He's my brother. He knows I've dealt with bad dreams. But he's never known how bad. He leaves my room.

I sit curled up in a ball. Alone. Afraid.

I rock back and forth; tears still streaming down my face.

...

I walk into school wearing mostly black. My hoodie is pulled up over my head. I'm on the verge of tears all day. I keep silent. I cling to the shadows for help.

Mom told me this morning she and  Dad are going out of town tomorrow night. She told me Dylan is probably going over to someone's house. She told me I can go to someone's house, too, but I can't have anyone over. Tomorrow night is the perfect night. No one will be home.

Hope bumps into me and slams me against the locker. "Hey Loser," she says. "You look so emo. A little heavy on the eyeliner don't you think? Why don't you just go kill yourself."

"Don't worry about that," I mutter under my breath. "I have that taken care of."

"What's that?" She says mockingly. "Is the emo actually going to finally kill herself?" She pulls me from the locker and throws me to the ground.

"Go to Hell," I say under my breath.

"I'll meet you there." She says as she walks away.

...

I come home and Dylan is waiting in my room. "Emmie," he says. He's a freshman in college but he still lives with us. "I'm worried about you. You're not acting normal."

"What?" I say. "I'm fine. I'm just the same as I have been" I lie. I fake a smile. I've been faking this smile so long I'm starting to believe this is the only smile I can smile.

"Are you sure?" He says. "I don't want to leave you alone tomorrow night."

I put my hand on his knee. "Dylan, I will be fine."

"Are you going to have a boy come over?"

I look at him wide eye. My face turns red. "What? No. Of course not."

"Em, I don't care if you have a guy come over." He says. "You can tell me if you are okay?" He stands up to leave. "Just make sure to use protection okay?"

"Oh gosh." I say. "Just leave."

He leaves my room laughing.

...

Alone. Afraid. Alone. Afraid. Alone. Afraid. Alone. Afraid. I sit in my dark room at 3 in the morning. Alone. Afraid. Afraid. Alone. Why do I have to be so dumb? Why can't anyone ever fall in love with me? Why do I have to be such a clutz? Why do I have to be living still?

I pick up my razor and slide it across my arms. Across my legs. Across any part of me that won't be seen. I have cuts all over me. I'm crying.