I was doing really well, Carol, I really was. I thought that I was actually getting better, I thought that maybe I had a chance of actually being normal again. I don't really know what happened but I'm not doing very well at all anymore.

The last few days were okay, I guess. I spent a lot of time with Maya and even though we fought a little about me not wanting to leave the house and Maya wanting to take a hike through a forest preserve or something insane like that. She really likes the outdoors and I really don't, but we've been over this already.

Maya eventually gave in and we ended up staying at her apartment that day, by the way. She said that she it wasn't worth going out if I was just going to be upset the whole time and I was fine with that. She was pissed off but I was fine.

Everything was fine, actually. I was taking my medication and eating regularly and spending time with actual people instead of trying to lock myself in my room. I was even getting along pretty well with my step brother, it turns out he's not that bad.

I was doing so well. My mom had even said something to me about how she was proud that I was doing better and she asked if Maya had anything to do with it. Of course she probably does, I've been so happy since Maya came along, but I lied and told my mom that Maya hadn't done anything for me, we just happened to meet at the same time I decided to get my life together.

Things were going good.

But today I just feel awful. And I don't really know why, because you'd think that since I was doing everything that I'm supposed to do I would feel better, right? I took my meds and participated in just life in general and I didn't think once about what I did last March. So why do I feel so bad now?

I feel like I want to just curl up in a ball and stay there for the rest of my life. I'm actually so mad at myself, because I haven't felt this bad in a really long time and I wish that I could just stop myself from feeling this way.

I told Maya that I don't want to see her today and she tried to ask me a few questions and push me to answer them but after a while I think she realized that I just need some space.

My step brother and his dumb friend who's always fucking here tried to come in my room like 10 times and talk to me so I finally threw a pillow at them and told my step brother that if he didn't stop bothering me I'd tell my mom and now they're leaving me alone.

I think my step brother just wants to be my friend, but I really don't want him to be. It's stupid, I know, because one second I'm craving attention from everyone and the next I don't want attention at all, but I'm serious. I don't want to be friends with my step brother because I know he's only treating me this way because he knows how messed up I am.

Earlier this morning I told my mom that I was just going to stay home today because my friend was busy at work and Maya was also busy, both of which are lies, and she was fine with that. She doesn't really care about me unless I'm doing something stupid.

That makes me so sad. My mom should care about me all the time, not just when I'm trying to run away from home or when I refuse to take my meds. She should use her stupid mom-instincts and know that I'm upset and make sure that I feel better before leaving the house to do whatever moms do.

So yeah, I've been hiding in my room all day.

Mostly I just stare at the ceiling. I've tried to listen to music and I've tried to watch a few YouTube videos on my laptop but I just feel empty and sad no matter what I do. I want to go to sleep and not wake up for a very very long time but I can't, I'm anxious and wide awake and no matter what I can't stop fidgeting. I think it's my medication's fault but I can't really be sure.

I thought I was doing better, I really did, but I guess I was wrong again. I don't think I'll ever be better, I'm always going to be sad and empty and feel just like I did last March and there's nothing I can do about it, so what's the point in trying to change?

I have nothing more to say for today. If something more eventful happens I'll let you know. See ya later Carol.

P.S. Sometimes I want to die but I feel like it's not worth it because everyone will just get mad at me.