THE EIGHTH TIME

Chapter 5

Clueless

Frank Herbert said that “the people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action.” With that in mind I would have loved to meet him and ask him “what’s the only course of action I should be worried about?” Keeping in mind that the answer I want is not science-fiction-Dune related.

            Because the crazy girl had offered to help me, improve my life but what was her course of action? What was she doing this for? What would she earn from this? I mean everyone was pretty much egocentric these days. What did she think she could get out of this, and should I be worried about it?

            That’s the thought that kept popping in my head as I gathered my things in my locker, still trying to stay clear of the gum sculpture.

            Two of my binders had definitely crossed the no man’s land, but now at least I knew where I could put my things without damage and I had salvaged most of them so it wasn’t that bad…

            Hi, my name is Keegan Bundy and I give a new meaning to pathetic.

            Shaking my head in discouragement at my own self, I closed my locker, fast.

            “Ted, I’m gonna teach you how to live!”

            Holy heck! I almost had a heart attack.

            Crazy lady from last night, aka I-don’t-know-her-name was right there—she had been standing on the other side of the locker door, probably just waiting to scare me. If it hadn’t been for her voice I might have not recognized her right away.

            She wasn’t wearing the red hoodie anymore, but a beige long sleeve shirt with a white half shirt in lace over it and a white skirt that reached the middle of her thighs, with little black patterns on it, a black strap around the waist and a lacey black bottom. She looked… whoa…  

            Was that the same girl from yesterday that had stopped me from jumping? Maybe she just looked different in the light. Yah, she definitely just looked different in this light.

            I glared at her for good measures and started to walk to homeroom. “My name’s Keegan.”

            Crazy lady trailed on my side. “First on schedule, watch all seasons of How I Met Your Mother” she said making a little check sign in the air.

            I stopped walking and frowned. “I’m confused.”

            “Get used to it, it’ll happen a lot.” She smiled, like it was really amusing, and slapped me on the back, hard.

            For a good thirty seconds I just stood there.

            Hi, my name is Keegan Bundy and when Mr. Weasley says you should never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain you should listen to that advice.

            I headed straight to my homeroom, Mrs. Orson was there, reading a book… wait was that the Bible? She really had gotten religious over the summer, hadn’t she?

            I went to sit at the same table I had yesterday, and rested my head over my backpack I had put on my desk, waiting for Paxton, to at least have a normal comprehendible conversation.

            “So, are you the type that usually listens in class?” I looked up to see crazy-lady again, sitting in Paxton’s seat.

            “Excuse me, my friend usually sits here.” I tried to push my bag in front of her—you know the way people do when they’re saving seats for someone—when I said that. But that didn’t seem to bother her, not one bit. She actually just picked it up and threw it straight on my lap, and well the corner of one of my binders in there forcefully hit my guy-sensible region. I gasped.

            “And how’s your usually been working out so far, Bundy?” She smiled a huge one, and slapped my back again. I don’t know if it was to help me breath or just piss me off more, but the latter definitely worked.

            It was at that moment that Paxton walked in the class, “Dude, what are you doing?”

            I wanted to say “trying to get feelings back in my balls” but I couldn’t breathe so I couldn’t speak either.

            Crazy lady obviously took that opportunity and slapped me on the back again, grinning at Paxton. “Interacting with the opposite gender, it’ll do him good.”

            Paxton looked confused there. Well that made two of us. “Huh?”

            “Opposite gender, you know male female? I have boobies.” When she said that she pointed to her chest proudly. “Of course never as much as Nadia,” she pointed with her chin, towards the door, where the blond perfect alien chick had entered—hallelujah, I now knew her name, “but still, you got a decent handful here.” She actual grabbed her boobs when she said that.

            If it wasn’t for the fact that I was staring at alien-chick-Nadia—Nadia was a hot name—I would have made some sort of facial expression to show my discontentment.

            I could finally breathe though, so I took this occasion to get information. I mean, how the heck did she know her name? “How do you know her name?”

            “Well teacher took the attendance yesterday didn’t she? Nadia Parish,” she pointed back, towards her, “Paxton Bell,” she pointed at him, “Keegan Bundy,” she slapped me on the back, “Sarah Baun,” she pointed to a girl in front, “Eric Gordon,” she motioned to a guy by her.

            “Okay I get the point,” I didn’t need to know everyone’s name, “and you’re not normal. How do you remember that?”

            “I have…” she frowned like I had just asked a stupid question, “memory?”

            Hi my name is Keegan Bundy and I’m sitting beside a one woman freak show.

            I snorted. “That’s not memory, that’s freaky…”

            Paxton had sit at the table in front of us, and had given up on trying to get his seat or follow the conversation for that matter.

            “Dude, you should have told me you weren’t smart…” she shook her head, but then made a clicking sound with her cheeks “well I should have figured it out I guess, you’re not witty in your comebacks”

            I let out a short disbelieving breathe. “You’re insane.”

            “HA!” She pointed at me and pushed me on the shoulder. Why was she so rough with me? Crazy lady! “See, you just reinterred my point right here. No wits, what so ever, in that comeback!”

            Rubbing my shoulder and glaring at her I mumbled, “insulting me, ya that’s really great for my self-esteem, thank you.”

            “Oh sweetness…” she lifted her hands up in discouragement, and started to take things out of her bag, books, lots of books. “Alright, I’m going to teach you something today. Stop taking everything so seriously.” She hit me on the top of the head with one of them.

            Hi, my name is Keegan Bundy and I’m considering filling a complaint about physical abuse.

            “Ow! That hurt!”

            She just ignored that comment. “It’s almost sad seeing you going around being all mopey. Answer this, seriously how long as it been since you last laughed, really laughed?”

            Now rubbing my head, I whined, “you’re crazy.”

            “Ow, you don’t even remember? Wow, you really need me, don’t you?”

            She might have been crazy but she was right there… I didn’t remember the last time I honestly laughed. How weird?

            But she was seriously started to piss me off—well not starting, the pissing off was in full motion—and all the physical abuse wasn’t helping. “I don’t need you.”

            “Ha, but you do. So here’s how this goes alright? Don’t. Take. Things. Seriously. Life in its whole is a joke played on you, and unless you laugh at the joke, it’s not funny anymore and therefore the joke has no purpose. Don’t take yourself seriously; it’ll only bring you down. Laugh. You have vocals chords and throat muscles; use them for something worth it. Stop frowning all the time, seriously dude, it’s depressing and you’re starting to splatter your gloom all over my aligned chakra and I don’t need your gloom on my chakra, got it?”

            Whoa… Okay… well that didn’t seem like such a bad advice and she hadn’t abuse me in any way so it was kind of… nice?

            “Now the real big question though is what will make you laugh…” she tapped her index over her lips.

            When she did that it brought my attention to them. They were nice, pale, pink… blond alien chick, Nadia though had fuller lips, more beautiful lips, I had noted that. Nadia’s lips were both full top and bottom, almost the same size. Crazy chick beside me only had the bottom one full, the top one was smaller. And I didn’t care about her lips.

            “And we’ll need to get you laid,” she added, like and afterthought.

            I choked on my saliva “Excuse me, WHAT?”

            “You need to get your freak on. I mean please dude, you’ve only been undressing poor Nadia over there” she pointed the back with a kick of her head “for the past two days. Something tells me you need to have you willy played with.”

            I raised my hand to make her shut up. “Okay seriously stop! You have issues, no you have something beyond issues at this point it’s not issues… it’s, it’s…”

            Hi my name is Keegan Bundy and I’m going to find the word that fits in that sentence… at one point… which is definitely not right now.

            “And the “no wits in comeback” has just been reinterred, again.” She slapped me on the back, big surprise.

            I hate this girl. I don’t even know her and she saved my life in a way but I still hate her.

             “I don’t know why you picked her though, in my mind from far away she looks like the kind of person who’d say I will eat your soul in a creepy voice. And actually mean it.” She was looking at me with the eyes of someone that’s sharing a deep dark secret but is actually appalled by it. With what I knew from her I wouldn’t be surprised she’d be excited about being in on a serial killer’s to-do list.

            “What do you mean? She’s hot,” I said, trying to keep my voice down, but having a hard time because I was getting worked up.

            Maybe I should have said that, I felt bad admitting it out loud, especially to a girl, since well I never talked with girls—even though this girl didn’t feel like a girl—but it wasn’t like that was an unknown fact.

            “Exactly! Haven’t you seen Jennifer’s body? Alright I haven’t seen it either, but that’s only because I have better things to do with that hour and a half… like taking care of pigeons.” She shrugged and took mint gum out of her bag, popping two in her mouth.

            “Wow.”

            “Don’t worry,” she stopped talking and chewed for a second. “I’m not implying that you’re a pigeon… or maybe I am. Either way, getting you laid is on bottom list. For now we’ll work on the making you laugh deal. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a hard one to accomplish anyway.”

            I wanted to glare, I wanted to scowl or frown but I just looked down on my lap, at my clenched fists.

            Why was I even listening to her?

            My eyes looked to the right, of their own accord, resting on the pale legs beside me. They were nice, legs, I could give her that much. She had defined legs, not exactly muscular, but ya… define. My eyes worked up form her ankle, slowly up to her knee, and then her thigh…

            Hi my name is Keegan Bundy and one of the nice or awful things about being a boy is that even if you hate someone very very much, you’ll get distracted by their female features.

            “By the way my name’s Liesel Ruskin,” my eyes snapped up to her and off her legs. “And if you ever stare at my legs for too long like you just did, it’ll be the name you’ll plead at to grant you mercy. Got it?”

            She slapped me on the back, grinning. And as the bell rang she spitted her gum right in the blond platinum, almost white hair of the girl sitting in front of us, beside Paxton, and smiled victoriously at me.

            And there, for just a second, a smile built at the corner of my lips, the beginning of a laugh.