THE EIGHTH TIME

Chapter 6

Shameless

“The elephant says to the camel ‘Why do you have two boobs on your back?’ The camel replies ‘That’s a pretty stupid question coming from someone who has a dick on his face’.” Liesel told me, her mouth full of pasta. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

            “That one was worse than the last one,” I groaned and bended my head over my food. How I had managed to get into this situation was beyond me.

            Hi, my name is Keegan Bundy and I get so easily screwed, but not the good screwed and that sucks, and again, that’s not the good suck.

            Liesel snorted and stuffed her face more. The guys were all staring at her open mouthed, probably still not believing that a girl was actually sitting at our table. “How can any joke be worse than ‘What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work’?”

            I took a sip from my juice box and shrugged. “Well, your ‘What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks? Dino-mite,’ was pretty bad too, to be honest.”

            “That’s only because you have no sense of humour, Bundy,” she said in a mocking tone and threw her wrapped-in-plastic buns at me, and a muffin. Unlike my pitiful self who was again facing a lunch of soup and juice box, Liesel’s tray was filled with more food then her skinny self could possibly eat. I didn’t thank her for the food because I didn’t want to look more pathetic than I was, but I welcomed it.

            Liesel hadn’t left me alone since homeroom. She was in almost all my classes and had made a big case of following me around, like my own damn annoying shadow. And she was trying to make me laugh so apparently lunch time had turned into lame joke time. I still didn’t understand why I hadn’t kicked the girl away. Maybe it was just because she had boobies. And nice legs. But she was also insanely annoying so boobies and legs really shouldn’t make that much of a difference in the balance. And if I wasn’t of the external genitalia gender that would so be true, but sadly it wasn’t.

            “You know, I almost didn’t recognize you, not wearing black and actually showing your face,” Derek said, interrupting Liesel loud eating.

            “Oh that?” She shrugged, ate some chocolate pudding and then continued speaking. “Yeah, I like to change styles. It makes things exciting. Also, it’s fun to know that some boys that mocked me yesterday tried to grope me today. It boosts my self esteem and lowers theirs.” She grinned at the end. I seriously feared for the person who tried to cross her one day.

            So, she was freaky emo wanna be girl? That was an interesting outcome.

            Well, I understood now why she sat with us. Anywhere was better than beside the toilet! Also, I realized that this meant Derek had dibbs on here. It was obvious, just by the way he was looking at her that the whole ‘Dibbs on her if she’s hot’ applied now. And she kind of fitted the description he had given of her—when he had said she was probably crazy, I meant.

            “Something’s been bothering me all morning long,” Liesel trailed, dropping everything in her tray, wiping her hands on her legs. I almost stared at them again, but thought better of it.

            Her eyes were fixed elsewhere, and I turned and saw where she was staring, or more precisely, at who she was staring—Nadia.

            Before she or anyone could say more, she got up, and walked in the path that Nadia was going, and when Liesel was almost right in front of her she tripped and both her hands landed straight on Nadia’s breasts and I could swear she gave them a squeeze.

            “What the hell?” Nadia almost shouted. They were close enough that we could hear exactly what was going on. I think pretty much every boy’s eyes were fixed on this little altercation

            “I’m so sorry, I tripped,” Liesel apologized, but she didn’t look or sound sorry. She was actually smirking.

            “Yeah right,” Nadia groaned.

            Liesel kept on smirking. “Thanks for the shock absorber.”

            That pretty much did it. Nadia just looked at her like she was crazy and started walking again.

            Hi, my name is Keegan Bundy and I’ve just witnessed the beginning of a girl on girl porn.

            When Liesel came back to sit at our table, my three friends were gapping at her, and so were most of the guys in the cafeteria.

            “What the hell was that for?” I laughed, I actually god damn laughed. What else was I suppose to do? She had actually groped Nadia-alien-chick.

            Chuck Palahniuk in his book Stranger than Fiction had written, “Everything is funnier in retrospect, funnier and prettier and cooler. You can laugh at anything from far enough away,” but I honestly didn’t know how this could get funnier. This had been the epitome of awesomeness. Every virgin boy’s wet dream, if he can get in the middle of that after, I mean.

            “What?” She shrugged and resumed her eating. “I really wanted to know if they were real or not.”

            I shook my head but kept on laughing softly. “You’re unbelievable.”

            She smiled at her food, a genuine smile. She didn’t point out that I was laughing though. I was kind of grateful for it.

            “Oh and if you must know, they are,” she explained to no one in particular but then looked up and gazed at my friends, one after the other, very slowly. “Sorry boys I knew you were just waiting for me to straddle her and scream mush bitch. I’ll work on it. No one resists me,” she said using a deep devilish voice.

            Scary. And they just kept staring at her, like she had some kind of spell on them, and maybe she did for all I knew.

            “You’re a lesbian?” Paxton finally asked. I don’t know why, but the way he asked it, it almost sounded like he really wanted her to say yes.

            Liesel shrugged. “I prefer calling it sexually curious.”

            “Are you serious?” Derek asked, and he didn’t seem as enthusiastic as Paxton to know the girl he had claimed dibbs on him might not be playing in the right team.

            “Yes of course I just love browsing chicks,” she replied and rolled her eyes.

            I shook my head at her. “You’re highly disturbing.”

            She grinned back, overly proud. “Thanks.”

            And then, out of the blue, Galen asked, “Would you have sex with me?” I choked on air.

            She looked at him, inclining her head just a little. “No.”

            Galen chuckled. “Oh well, I tried.”

            Liesel shook her head, rolling her eyes. “Oh sweetie that wasn’t trying. Heck I had more chance with blondie—I got to second base something I highly doubt you ever have, aren’t I right titties-virgins?” she asked that last one to all of us at the table. No one answered. She looked like a kid on Christmas morning.

            “Yeah and now everyone here thinks you like boobies,” I informed her, to take her down from her cloud or something.

            “So?” Liesel snorted. “I don’t care what people think.”

            “You scared them,” I pointed out.

            “Well, good thing. I rejoice in traumatising pure minds like yours. And don’t act like you won’t touch yourself thinking about my booby playing tonight.” She pated my cheek, smirked and kept on eating.

            Shaking my head, I grabbed the muffin she had given me and took a bite. “Highly disturbing,” I mumbled.

            After that little incident, pretty much everyone in the cafeteria kept giving furtive glances towards our table. It was distracting. Or maybe what was more distracting was the fact that Liesel seemed completely unaffected by all of this. I swear this girl was crazy.

            When she finished eating, she pretty much forced me to follow her, and my friends just gave me ‘I wouldn’t want to be in your place dude’ look. I gulped.

            We walked into the not so empty corridors, and she hadn’t told me what we were doing, and I was starting to think that maybe she was a serial killer and maybe she was about to kill me.

            As we walked, doors after doors, she kept peeking through the window, trying to see what was in the room, and trying to open it. Finally—when I was about to pee myself—she seemed to find what she was looking for because she turned the bolt and grabbed me by the shirt, pulling me into a janitor closet with her.

            Hi, my name is Keegan Bundy and I wasn’t aware I was staring in a chick flick. Or maybe an horror movie.

            “What the hell are you doing?” I hissed at her. The closet was tiny, and dark, though there was light coming from the tinted window, it reeked of stalled water and humidity, and this was way too cliché for my liking.

            “Oh, we’re playing hide and seek,” she whispered back, running her hands through her hair furtively. She was going to mess it up if she kept going at it like that. Not that I cared about her hair or anything but it would stick everywhere nonetheless.

            “With who?” I asked, because well, that was as good a question as any.

            She grinned at me. “They don’t know it yet.”

            I huffed in annoyance. “And when will they know?”

            “Once they find us,” she explained and ran her hand through my hair, but not sexily or anything, the way you’d rub the top of your sibling’s hair to piss them off.

            I slapped her hand away. “You’re crazy.”

            “You love it,” she simple replied back, not concerned.

            “Seriously, what are we doing here?” I sighed.

            “Well, I have to admit, I underestimated you,” she conceited. Nice to know. “It seems like amusing you is going to be easier than I thought. So that means the whole getting you laid thing is getting bumped up on the list.”

            My eyes bulged and I backed up again the water container for the mop, being me, making some of it splash on the bottom of my jeans. “I’m not having sex with you in the closet,” I said in a rush.

            “Why not?” she asked taking a step closer to me.

            She was trying to be seductive, I could see it. I could also see that this girl was anything but serious. “You’re being sarcastic, aren’t you?” I asked, worried.

            “Of course.” She laughed and backed up again. “You’re not having sex with me, sorry. But right now, we’re making sure we’ll have a decent candidate for you once you do want to have sex.” Okay, that didn’t make sense. How is hiding in the closet a good way to find me a willing sexual partner?

            “Huh?”

            And then I had a part of my answer. “OH KEEGAN,” Liesel moaned, way too loudly.

            “What the hell! Stop!” I rushed to her and tried to cover her mouth, to stop her, but she just kneed me in the balls.

            “YES, OOOH!”

            “Why are you doing this?” I asked, doubling over in pain, trying to nurse my balls back to life. I tried to open the door, but it wouldn’t budge. It was locked from the inside. How convenient?  

            “Haven’t you watched Easy A?” she asked in between loud moans.

            Someone knocked very loudly on the door before they slightly opened it. Liesel smirked at me, shook her hair one last time to make it look messy, and stepped out fixing her clothes for no reason.

            “Sorry about that,” she giggled to no one in particular—though a lot of people were watching—before grabbing my hand and dragging me to our next class while I just followed confused.

            Seriously, what had I gotten myself into?

            The rest of the day, was just as crazy as the rest because now, everybody were giving us weird looks and Liesel was pretty much always with me, so if they didn’t know about the closet thing, they knew about the cafeteria thing and they all stared at her like morons. But there was something deeply amusing about being the center of school gossip when they weren’t founded.

            When I finally got home, I was actually exhausted. School had never taken me so much energy because I was never doing anything there, just going through the motion. Today, I had actually participated.

            And as much as I hated to admit it, I had actually kind of enjoyed it.