Warning:
may be triggereing, self harm is mentioned

Christmas Eve, usually one of my favourite times of the year but that's not the case this year, I am just managing to get myself through the day which is definitely hard, yesterday proved that. I once again have been awake since 3am from another bad dream which is becoming a regular occurrence. Finally at 7am I decided to grab a shower so I left my bed, put my phone down and went into my bathroom. I shut the bathroom door and turned my shower on while removing my own clothes and looking down at my body, I hated the way I looked. My left hand was forming bruises and my arms were covered in both old and new scars, not only were my arms covered in scars I had began to self harm on my thighs which I've found none would think of looking. It's the only way to cope I don't want mum or dad worrying about me, mums pregnant and they both have Emilia and Eduardo so I don't need to take their attention away from them.

"Elizabeth you coming down for breakfast?" I heard mum call from outside my bedroom. I unlocked my bathroom and poked my head around the door so she could see me.

"I'm just going to grab a shower and get dressed, I'll grab something when I'm dressed" I lied knowing full well that I probably wouldn't get something to eat, I hardly ever do these days. At the unit they've said that if I don't start eating then I'll most likely be moved to an eating disorder unit and be put on a drip to give me the nutritions that I need. I honestly don't see a problem with not eating, yeah I don't eat the recommend three meals a day but at least I eat something even if it's not a proper meal

"Okay, I'll see you downstairs" mum smiled and I nodded before locking myself in the bathroom. I knew I was alone and looked under my shampoo bottle finding my razor blade which I sat on the toilet lid and brought the blade to my thighs,I knew this was a step in the wrong direction but I couldn't cope any more, I'm constantly messing things up for everyone. I repeat it a few times before wrapping the blade in tissue paper and hiding it once more. I stood up and watched the blood begin to trickle down my leg as I climbed into the shower. I stood under the water watching as it mixes with the blood and turns a red colour before swirling down the drain.

"Why do I always mess things up" I mumbled to myself before reaching for my raspberry ripple shampoo which has literally been one of my favourites over the last few months. After washing my hair I moved onto my body which I used my blueberry buzz shower jel which was actually blue, who would have thought that it would have been blue. After washing myself I finally step out of the shower and wrap myself into my mint green towel and added my smaller mint green hand towel around my hair to dry it. I dried myself while picking out an outfit and placing it onto my bed. I soon got dressed into my dark denim skinny jeans along with my white wool pink Christmas tree jumper which I obviously wore over a white tank top. I simply did my hair as a upside down French platt into a neat and tidy bun on the crown of my head. On my feet I had my grey pug in a Christmas hat socks and my black high tops. Today jewellery consisted of light pink rose earrings, a cluster of small beaded bracelets and my Crystal necklace. My phone was jazzed up in my brand new Christmas case which loved. I finally added a navy scarf with silver stars and my navy blue satual.

I soon left my bedroom and began making my way downstairs hearing Emilia and Eduardo laughing made me smile. I walked into the kitchen and rolled my eyes seeing the pair of the, covered in Nutella. The smell of pancakes filled my nostrils and I smiled softly, I loved mums pancakes they were literally my favourite things ever especially with blueberries in them and Nutella on top.

"I made your favourite pancakes" mum smiled turning around to face me. Dad was vlogging my younger siblings and I just smiled, what did I do to deserve such amazing parents, friends too. I don't deserve this family, I'm crazy, I mess things up and it's not fair on them, it's not fair on Emilia and Eduardo to having a crazy sister who sees and hears things.

"Look at these messy children, you won't get in this much mess now will you Eliza" dad asked me smirking as he turned the camera to face me.

"Definitely not" I laughed sitting down at the table opposite Emilia as I was joined by mum and our pancakes

"Remember you don't have to eat it all" mum reassured me kissing the side of my head. She must have read my mind or known I didn't want to eat anything. I thanked mum and began digging into my blueberry pancakes the the fruity goodness of the blueberries combined with the chocolate Nutella was just as I remembered and what I missed.

"I've missed your pancakes" i smiled as I finished my pancakes, yes the whole plate which mum was proud of me about. After breakfast I went to my room to grab my camera and phone before heading back downstairs and watched some TV

"Hi friends, today I've decided to vlog a little myself because we're going to a garden centre which I've decided I want to get myself a indoor plant for my room, one thing I've loved doing in the unit is gardening and looking after the plants insides so I've decided to get one for myself but mum has said she will look after it while I'm away." I paused seeing Emilia bounce into the room laughing

"We are also going to Bills for lunch and the park for these little monkeys" I laughed vlogging my little brother and sister, it was cold but what little kids don't love the park, I know Emilia and Eduardo always love the park.

"I can't believe it's Christmas Eve, it just feels like it's another day of the year but anyway we're off soon and I'm going to go and play with These monkeys for abit but I'll be sure to vlog again later" I smiled turning my camera off placed it on the coffee table in the living room.

"Eliza, you okay" Emilia asked me coming over to me. I picked her up and sat her on my lap.

"Now I'm able to have a hug from you I am" I smiled wrapping my arms around the four year old.

"I miss you when your not here" Emilia spoke softly kissing my cheek. I looked at her speechless, I didn't know what to say to her, I know mum and dad told her I was poorly but what do I tell her.

"I miss not being here with you and Wardo, I miss playing out games and laughing with you both" I smiled back to her holding her tight in my arms.

"when will you be home for good, me want more cuddles" Emilia giggled and looked at her trying not to cry.

"I'll be home before you know if munchkin and then we can have loads of cuddles. We can have a movie afternoon with mum, Dad and awards too" I smiled kissing my little sisters forehead and letting a tear role down my cheek.

"Don't cry Eliza?" Emilia whispered to me which almost made me break down into sobs on my younger sisters shoulder. I looked up and saw dad standing in the doorway, vlogging.

"I cam to tell you two that we are going out now" dad smiled and I nodded letting Emilia hop from my lap and walk to get her shoes on. I stayed sitting down for a few moments and let a tear role down my cheek again, how could I be the best sister for Emilia, Eduardo and my new baby sister. How am I able to make them happy when I can't even make myself happy.

"You alright princess?" Dad asked me turning the camera off and coming over to me on the sofa. I nodded letting another tear escape my eyes, as much as I tried to hold tears back I couldn't.

"Essie you need to start talking to me and your mum, we worry about you and it looks like Emilia worry about you too" dad smiled and I couldn't hold my tears back any longer, I broke down for the second time in two days.

"I'm sorry dad, I just can't do it anymore. It's so hard. I can't make Emilia or Eduardo happy, just then proved it. I don't know if they fully understand or not but I don't want them to miss out on things all because of me" I sobbed. I'm such a mess. Dad pulled me up and into a hug

"They love you more than anything Elizabeth. Your going to get through this your a fighter" dad smiled kissing my forehead calming me down. We soon went and got into the car, I climbed over my little sister and plopped myself into the middle of the car and did my seatbelt up. Dad drove us to the garden centre and we walked around. I found two indoors plants which I loved so I put them into our trolley ready for when we go to pay. We also got Zoë inside plant which was from me because it was my idea and I asked to do it. After we payed at the garden centre we left and went to the park, even though it was could their were loads of kids playing and laughing, more than I ever thought their would be.

"Eliza, Eliza push me please" Eduardo called running towards the free swings. I ran over to him and put him into the swing before I began to push him, it felt like the old times and for a few moments I actually forgot everything for five minutes. We spent around a hour at the park and soon we were heading to Bills for our lunch, their was a bunch of sweets and two teddys each.

"So you lot go get changed and then we can watch Christmas movies and Disney movies" mum smiled and I giggled, I starting on a emotional draining day and now I'm pretty happy but my moods can change just like that. I went to my room and got changed into my new pyjamas, adding my new socks and throwing my hair into a messy bun. I slipped my feet into my blue chevron slippers and wrapped my brown bear dressing gown around me before going back downstairs to the rest of the family.

I sat on the sofa next to mum and cuddled into her side while Emilia and Eduardo both cuddled into dads side. We had bowls of popcorn between us and we're planning to have snacks around the evening. We decide to watch Cinderella first and then I knew we were going to watch Elf.

"Everyone comfortable" dad asked and we all responded with yes which was funny how we all spoke at the same time. I rested my head on mums shoulder popping a piece of popcorn into my mouth.

"I'm so glad I could spend Christmas with you all" I whispered to mum. Mum kissed my forehead gently and I smiled, I felt safe in mums arms, I always have done.

"You'll be back with us in no time" mum whispered while we watched the film. We soon watched both Cinderella and Elf. We had one more film to watch before Emilia and Eduardo go to bed, we decided to watch 'Santas Little Yelpers' which was basically about dogs who are about to save Christmas, we watch it every year and I love it. Around a hour and fifteen minutes later Emilia and Eduardo were off to bed, dad read them stories while me and mum cuddled on the sofa.

"I don't want to go back to the unit" i mumbled into mums side. I heard her sign and I knew what that meant I had to. When dad came down the three of us watched Santa Clause 2 which was my favourite and I enjoyed it.

"I'm going to bed" I smiled to my parents once the film was over, I kissed them both goodnight and went into my room. I walked into my bathroom and got my blade out, I sat on the side of the bath and looked at it for a few moment.

"No Elizabeth. You can't" I told myself and stopped myself from Self Harming, I wanted to but I didn't so I immediately got into bed and settled down, I couldn't believe tomorrow is Christmas Day..