Author's note: a little late with the chapter but here it is. thanks so much for all the love and motivation. I was so happy to read your comments and I hope the following chapters live up to your expectations. please read and enjoy.

Chapter 3- Regret

The days turn into weeks as I continue to mostly avoid Roxy. I say mostly because we still talked on the phone, a lot, mostly through texting, and sometimes calls but I refuse to meet with her. I have never been good at maintaining lasting relationships with people after I ended my deepest friendship in high school. It was almost as if I had already met the best people I could meet and had the best friends I could have so there was no one else I wanted to meet. I couldn't connect with others and when I did, I couldn't maintain it. Yet, as if no time at all had passed, when we talk, Roxy and I felt like it was the same old days, understanding each other without stress.

Of course, we talk about P'Arthit and how he wasn't ready to forgive me. Roxy claimed to be working on him and that he would come around soon, but honestly I wish she wouldn't. I just couldn't picture myself and P'Arthit as friends anymore. It was impossible, like trying to mix water with oil impossible and I was okay with that. I wouldn't know what to do if he suddenly shows up wishing to be friends. I know I don't love him anymore but wouldn't that be so awkward?

After just talking on the phone and texting for two weeks, Roxy made plans this evening to meet for drinks. it is hard to refuse her now since this was probably the hundredth time she has asked.

"It's only going to be for like an hour, Kongpob," she says over the phone. "I know it's a work week," she adds when I pull in a breath to speak as if she could read my mind.

"I promise you will be able to go to work tomorrow. I just want to rant at someone, you know."

She must have had a stressful workday. I know Roxy didn't have any female friends as she said they always turned jealous when they see how beautiful and successful she was and then there was her husband who was gorgeous. She could never trust female friends.

"But you trust the male friend who was once in love with your husband?" I'd asked and she had laughed for a very long time before saying,

"Well if it is you Kongpob I can trust you with anything. In fact, I count on you more than you realize."

It puzzled me. I don't understand Roxy's faith in me and she always seems to be trying to tell me something without actually saying it. It's like she wants me to figure it out.

Thinking about this I couldn't deny seeing her anymore. "Alright fine," I reply. It doesn't have to be often but meeting her request once in a while shouldn't hurt.

"Can we meet at the Kst Café?" she sounds excited, her car keys jangling in the background.

"Yeah, that's not too far from where I live," I answer as I search for a jacket to slip on since the weather was a little cold today.

"Oh," her pleased sound fills me with dread, "then...maybe I can come over?"

"Not a chance, Roxy."

"Not even to your door?"

"Not even to my street."

"Stingy." I know she is pouting and couldn't hold back a smile.

"When will you stop trying to know my place?" I ask, completely serious.

"When will you stop hiding it?"

We talk as we both get ready and didn't stop even as we enter the car and begin to drive. I let the phone sit on the dashboard as I drive, the call on speaker so I can hear what she is saying. Roxy is talking about something hilarious that her colleague had done the day before which was still burning even today. It was humiliating so I start laughing too.

"I am almost there," I say as the café comes into view. "What about you?" it was at this time that I notice the line had died at some point during the lull in our conversation.

"Roxy?" I try just to be certain. She must have ended the call while I was distracted.

Not calling her back, I parked my car and got out. Roxy still wasn't calling back. Was she stuck in traffic? Well, I should have warned her, traffic can be so nasty at night around here.

The café smelled so nice and the air was warm but not enough to make me take off my jacket. I step inside and order our favorite cups of coffee, Roxy's was a coca latte and mine was an espresso. I took the seat by the open terrace and watch the road as I drink my coffee.

It's been five minutes and Roxy wasn't here yet. My place was closer so I didn't really mind waiting. I pick my phone and dial her number just to be sure everything was alright. It rang and rang without her answering.

A little worry tingle but I pretend not to notice and continue sipping my drink as I watch the road. When five minutes pass again, I pick up my phone and call her. The phone rings all the way and ends with the voice operator telling me the person couldn't answer the call.

I call back immediately, that tingling raising to a siren. Could something have happened? It was late but Roxy was driving, not walking. Wait, did she get into an accident?

Unable to sit still I walk out of the restaurant to keep calling. On the fourteenth or so time, I don't know how many times I called, if I had P'Arthit's number I would have called to be sure Roxy wasn't still at home, someone pick. It wasn't Roxy. My stomach drops at the sound of a male voice. "Hello?"

I didn't speak for a moment, startled. "Hello, is this Roxanne's phone?" I make sure to speak as slowly as possible.

"I believe so. Who is this? Are you a relative of Roxanne?"

"...I am her friend," I reply, my voice losing volume as I heard the sounds in the background. Siren sounds, like an ambulance. "Did something happen to her?"

"I am afraid you have to come to the central hospital."

My heart stops. I almost lose the ability to breathe or speak. The hospital, Roxanne was hurt. "Is she okay?"

"Please come as soon as possible." he didn't wait for me to say anything else and ended the call.

I blink at nothing, my mind blank. The feelings of foreboding settle all over me and I start shivering. "No, don't think like that. I am sure it is nothing major."

Then why didn't she answer the phone herself? Why is a paramedic answering Roxy's phone? I won't get the answer just standing around.

I return to the café to pay for my drinks before hurrying out. The whole way to the hospital I tried not to think, not to let dark thoughts settle around me. What should I do, I can't get in contact with P'Arthit. I don't have his number. I am near panic but I am keeping it at bay with sheer force of will.

As I near the road to the hospital I notice what looks like an accident. Two cars were turned over and shattered. It wasn't a small accident as the two cars looked completely wrecked. People were gathered around the place and sirens were whirling.

I keep going, blocking my mind. The hospital is a little rowdy and I couldn't find anyone to answer my questions for what felt like the longest time then a nurse came passing by and I grab her.

"Please excuse me," my voice is shaking. "I am looking for my friend, Roxanne Gold. No, she would be Roxanne Sojnapat now."

"Are you a relative?"

Afraid they wouldn't let me see her if I said no I nod, my throat too tight to release the word.

"This way." She takes me to the ward where I see sick people lying on the bed.

"It's a little chaotic so unfortunately we haven't identified everyone who came in yet. Check if you can find her here."

"I—" she leaves me there and I am short for words. I look from bed to bed yearning to see that red hair, thinking she probably has a light scrape or something. I move from bed to bed and look even though the curtains were not drawn and even though there weren't that many people in the ward. I can't find my friend anywhere. She is not here

Before relief could hit me I hear a cry that shook the hospital. Without seeing the face of the person I know they've just lost someone too important to them. The pain echoes with that cry, but the thing is, that cry sounds familiar, that cry sounds like P'Arthit.

I turn so hard I do a one-eighty and found him kneeling in the other ward adjacent to this one. He is shouting like his whole world has ended, clutching the hand of someone lying on a bed. His desperate cries of denial tug my heart sharply it feels like I am sharing some of his pain just looking at him.

Everything fades and turns white before my eyes, the world slows down, almost like time paused. Fear so acute grip me and I find myself trembling, my heart barely beating. I don't want to know, I don't want to see. I don't want to know. I don't want to see it.

These words sound over and over in my head, but unfortunately, I couldn't stop time, couldn't rewind time, and couldn't run away. My feet took me into that ward and I saw her on the bed, bleach white, her red hair wet with blood.

Tears pool my eyes before I could notice and I grind my teeth together. Roxy. I couldn't speak for fear I would start screaming like P'Arthit. I didn't need a doctor's report to tell me that there was no life in that body.

Red hair flapping in the wind, her laughter like music in a quiet room flickered brokenly through my memories. Roxy who always came to cheer me up when I was down, Roxy who wouldn't let me be alone and would always drag me into having fun with her, that Roxy who is lying on a bed unmoving, a tube in her mouth.

Even though I shouldn't, my cries couldn't be held back. I crumpled against the wall and sobbed. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. This can't be true, Roxy. How can this be?

She was just talking to me. I was going to see her and have a drink. Please someone tell me this is a dream, a nightmare. Someone, please wake me up. I can't do this. Roxy can't be dead. She can't.

*

As if in a flash Roxy was buried. I attended her wake and her funeral and everything and yet it didn't feel real. I would still check my phone for her messages every day. Still try to call her only to remember that she wouldn't answer. She couldn't answer.

Why did I refuse to see her all this time? I always act like everything was a bother and I didn't want to deal with it but would it have hurt to let her in? Roxy was my best friend and she only had my best interest at heart. Why didn't I just see her? I held her at arm's length and now I can never see her again.

Crying every day was now the norm. I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep well. All I needed was to see Roxy just once, I didn't even have a photo of her. Out of pure desperation, I had gone hunting for her Facebook profile and found it.

As I scrolled through I saw the rest in peace messages from friends and colleagues. There was so much of it that I started crying again, Roxy was loved. She was such a great person, of course, she was loved. I had to stop as my tears wouldn't stop flowing.

Scrolling further down I saw the pictures from the time she was alive. Her happy smile colored all the pages and she had many pictures of herself and P'Arthit.

During the whole funeral and everything to put Roxy to rest I can't remember one instant where I shared a conversation with P'Arthit. It's been almost two weeks now and I can't help worrying about him. Seeing his happy smile, and his laughter I knew he was devasted by the loss of Roxy. How is he coping? What is he doing now?

I wanted to ignore the worry that bothered me growing into a full-blown itch by the day but on Friday the following week, I couldn't take it anymore.

Thanks to attending the wake, I knew where P'Arthit lived now. This evening I drive there, slowing down to watch the building for a time. It's been two weeks and the condolence visits may have reduced but surely P'Arthit's mom and dad were still with him. Or Roxy's parents. Am I worrying for nothing?

I spend a half hour in the car just thinking and hesitating. I hate myself when I am like this. Always holding back and letting the moments that matter pass me by. Annoyed with myself I open my door and walk out.

What's the worst that could happen? P'Arthit would drive me away after all he hasn't forgiven me yet, so what. I am probably the last thing on his mind right now. I just want to make sure he was okay, that's all.

I am at the door in no time and still hesitating to knock. What would I say? I don't know what to say to him. What is the right word to say to my best friend whom I haven't shared a kind word in ten years about his wife that died so suddenly?

As I begin to lower my hand from the doorbell, already realizing that this was a mistake and I had lost any right to be here, the door opens.

"Hm? Oh my, Kongpob, I have been wondering about you."

It is P'Arthit's mother. She is very old now and walks with a limp. She has the kindest smile I have ever seen and I haven't seen that smile in ten years.

"Mae," I said and wai.

"Oh dear, look at you all grown up. Where have you been all this time?"

I smile but did not answer. I don't know what to tell her, what reasons to give for why I cut her off too when I ended my friendship with her son.

"Oh, I'm so happy you are here, can you stay with Arthit for a bit? I need to hurry off home for something urgent."

I can't imagine her hurrying anywhere. "What is it, I can do it for you instead," I offer.

She laughs. "No deary, I couldn't possibly send you to do that. Just stay with Arthit for a bit and I will be back in no time at all."

If that's the case then I can't argue with her. "Okay, Mae."

"Thank you, sweetie. It's so good to see you." She hugs me gingerly before moving away so I can walk in. I wait for her to leave but she continues to stand there and then says, "Go on, he is in the bedroom."

"Ah, okay. " I reach for the door but didn't know if I should close it when she was still standing there smiling dreamingly. Turning away from the awkwardness I march like a robot towards what looked like the master bedroom.

When I am in the hallway I finally hear the door close. I wonder what that was about. It is really quiet in the house, only the gentle hum of the refrigerator can be heard.

I walk to the door of the master bedroom and knock. No answer. She said P'Arthit was in the room but I couldn't hear a single sound. Was he sleeping?

I knock twice more, and wait for almost five minutes before opening the door, worry eating at my stomach. What if he wasn't okay? What if something had happened and I was just standing there waiting for him to usher me in?

The room is dark, the curtains drawn. I have to wait for my eyes to adjust before I start to move toward the curtains.

"Don't step on that," a dead voice says, nearly causing me to jump out of my skin. Where did it come from? I look on the bed and then find a bundle on the floor.

"P'Arthit?" he was on the floor the whole time. "What are you doing?"
"Kongpob?" he sounds surprised it was me.

I see his body move, was he crawling towards me, it looked eerie but I didn't move. He stops at my feet and picks up something. "Wha-what is it?" I ask.

He doesn't answer and returns back with what he had picked to settle at the foot of the bed.

"Why are you sitting in the dark, I can hardly see. " I move towards the window trying my best to avoid the things littered on the ground, something smelled foul in here.

"Don't open it," he says, staying my hand.

"It's suffocating in here, P'Arthit," I reply.

"Leave it alone."

"It's not healthy." I reach for the curtains and tug. When they open I could finally see. All over the ground were the pictures of Roxy. They were on the bed, on the racks, and everywhere in the room. My eyes went wide with growing alarm.

P'Arthit is still on the floor, his hair unkempt and greasy, his face hairy, and he smells. That foul stench was him.

"P'Arthit!" I am so shocked that was the only thing I could say.

"Stop shouting," he says like I was a fly perching all over him and pulls the blanket over his head.

"You—how long have you been locked in this room?"

"That's got nothing to do with you. Can you leave?" his voice sounds muffled from within the blanket.

I stare at him speechlessly, stumped on what to do. P'Arthit looks like a shell of himself and he is obviously struggling with his grief. I don't think he has moved from that place since the funeral ended. He certainly hasn't showered, and has he eaten? He needed help and his mother was probably too gentle to give it to him.

I walk over to him and grab the blanket, rip it off him, and ignore his fury.

"What the hell, Kongpob! What are you doing?"

"P'Arthit, have you seen yourself? When was the last time you showered, ate, or slept?"

"I don't need any of that," he says softly glaring through sunken eyes. The dark circles were heavy and I can't see his eyebrows from behind his hair.

"This isn't it, P'Arthit. You can't do this to Roxanne."

His glare turns brutal and cruel. "What do you know about it?" I don't respond. "Who are you to speak to me about what I can or cannot do to my wife?"

"I know," I say, retracting fast. I must have forgotten myself for a moment, and now I am reminded that I wasn't welcome here. I have no right to say anything to him and I tell him as much. "I don't have the right to tell you anything, but I can't let you do this to yourself, P'Arthit. Even if it's just to shower and eat, you have to try to live a little."

"I don't need any of that! Just leave me alone." his voice is like a hard slap and so was his glare. They burn me where they touch and that was everywhere.

He tugs the blanket from me and covers his head, refusing to move. I look at one of the pictures on the ground where Roxy is playing with a white cat, her smile wide and happy. What do I do? How do I handle this, Roxy?

end note: wow that was a long chapter. I don't think all the chapters will be like this in the future so don't worry. thanks for reading to the end.