Chapter 1

Nunew felt as though he had forgotten something, yet no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't recall it. He didn’t have much energy to spare for this game of hide-and-seek with his memory anyway. His cousin, Ponn, told him not to worry—that it was merely a side effect of Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT). Every time he heard this, he would just nod, half-understanding, before everything drifted back to how it was.

Nunew had been hospitalized for ECT for some time now. Ponn said it wouldn’t be long before he could go home. The 'home' Ponn referred to was the massive house belonging to his aunt, uncle, and her, where Nunew was staying in Melbourne—not the familiar home in the fragments of Bangkok memories that luckily still lingered within him.

Occasionally, after waking from the stupor or exhaustion brought on by the treatment, Nunew would find himself daydreaming about Thailand. There were no clear images, no particular impressions; he just suddenly wished he could be cradled within the atmosphere of Bangkok. But this feeling rarely lasted, as the side effects of the shocks would soon drain him, leaving both his mind and body withered.

In the hospital, Nunew lost all sense of time. Most of his days were spent sleeping, waking only briefly to eat enough to fight the sickly sensation in his body, having the nurses tend to his hygiene, and then yearning for sleep again. The days he stayed awake the longest were likely the days of his treatments. Or at least, that’s how it felt to him.

During his brief moments of clarity, Nunew would often lie still, staring blankly at the ceiling, waiting for the turbulence in his mind to settle into stillness. The nurse assigned to him wasn't much of a talker, so beyond taking care of him, she rarely said a word. But even if she had spoken, the words would have likely felt like nothing more than hollow noise to his ears.

Yet, that didn’t mean Nunew had completely severed ties with the world. Ponn always made time to visit and tell him stories every day, despite her busy schedule. As the only daughter of his eldest uncle and a thoracic surgeon at the very hospital where he was being treated, her influence granted Nunew certain privileges—from the hospital fees and treatment costs to the devoted care of the staff.

Nunew wasn't sure if the ECT was truly helping, but he did feel a change, however slight and faint. He still had no appetite, knowing he would likely throw up later, but at least he could now hold a spoon without his hands trembling. The void in his mind was no longer a pure, stark white, and his periods of lucidity grew longer. Nunew was learning once again how to shape his thoughts into words.

There weren't many Thais at the hospital; aside from Ponn, there were only two Thai nurses, one of whom was his primary caregiver. He wasn't sure if it was her own initiative or at Ponn’s request, but as time went on, she began to initiate conversations more often. Though it was strange and difficult to adapt to at first, he had to admit she played no small part in helping him find his voice again.

It could be said that the days in the hospital would always be an indelible image in Nunew’s heart. He felt as though he had lost so much there, yet at the same time, he had gathered memories that not everyone is destined to have.

Nunew had little impression of his life before the hospital; he only vaguely remembered that he belonged to Bangkok. His family was there—his parents, his older brother Tee, his cat July, and... who else? Nunew paused within his own memory.

A name seemed to hover on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't bring himself to utter it. Nor did he want to try.

The day Nunew was discharged was a warm one, the sky unusually clear. He would never forget the feeling of stepping out of the hospital; his shoulders felt incredibly light. It was a rare moment where he truly felt life flowing through his veins again, like a parched stream finally waiting for its surge.

Ending the ECT didn't mean his journey ended. Back home, Nunew still had to take daily medication to keep his mind stable, even as the side effects tormented him. His aunt and uncle's family were perhaps the most heartbroken; having known the cheerful, healthy Nunew of the past, they couldn't help but ache for the Nunew of the present.

Personally, Nunew couldn't think much of it; he only knew he was ill and needed to try his best to recover. To be honest, he detested the medicine. Every time he took it, his stomach would churn with restlessness, and his whole body would tremble. Worst of all, he had no idea when he would be allowed to stop.

Nunew felt a stir of impatience; he wanted to see the look of relief in everyone's eyes soon. However, as Ponn said, all good things take time. So, he had to find a way to be more patient with this endless cycle of pills.

He even created a specific mantra to encourage himself every time he took his meds:

"Even bitter medicine tastes better than electricity."

Whether the words worked or not, that was how Nunew navigated his remaining days in Melbourne—with medication, his uncle’s worried gaze, his aunt’s warm embraces, late-night chats with Ponn, and a few calls to the home thousands of miles away.

Now, standing alone before the gates of Tullamarine Airport and waving goodbye to his relatives, Nunew couldn't help but let out a small laugh. They had wanted to keep him in Melbourne for a few more months, but he couldn't stay. He had imposed on them for far too long.

Nunew was deeply grateful for their love; they truly saw him as their own son, their own brother. But he couldn't let that make him forget the family he belonged to—where he was an irreplaceable son and brother. He had left his parents and Tee to come here for treatment, not to abandon his homeland.

With a backpack on his shoulders, one hand pulling his luggage, and the other holding his documents and phone, Nunew’s mind began to wander while waiting for check-in. His thumb unconsciously toyed with his phone screen.

This time, who will be there to welcome me?

Nunew snapped awake at the thought, panicked. Without warning, the question had flashed through his mind and vanished, like a fragment of memory sobbing in a dream. He shook his head slightly, trying to dispel the tangled confusion in his heart.

"No," Nunew whispered, unsure who he was talking to. "It’s okay. Mom, Dad, and Tee are waiting for you to come home."

He tried to recall the calls with his family, forcing himself to visualize the scene at Suvarnabhumi Airport. When he landed, carrying his bags through the gate, he would see the family he hadn't met in so long. He would see his father’s tender gaze, feel his mother’s kiss, and his brother’s hug. That's right, Nunew thought, his hands involuntarily tightening.

His thumb, whether by accident or instinct, brushed the phone, and the screen lit up. He cast his eyes toward it, and the frantic drumming in his heart slowly settled.

On the screen was a photo of a family of four at a dinner table filled with delicious food. Each person looked different, yet they shared the same smile and a sense of happiness in their eyes. Including himself.

Nunew quietly gazed at the lock screen he had only recently set, yet it seemed to represent an endless, distant realm of memory. A few minutes later, he woke from his reverie. He looked ahead and slowly took the next step.

That’s right. There was nothing to fear.

Family will always be family.