Chapter 5

Since returning from Kasetsart University, Nunew vaguely sensed a shift in the household atmosphere. He could feel it in the way P’Tee spent significantly more time scrolling through his phone each day, or how his parents pointedly ignored certain incoming calls. And, of course, there was the way they all offered breezy, dismissive smiles whenever he tried to ask.

​Nunew felt a sense of urgency and heaviness hovering beneath this peaceful roof, like a noose waiting to tighten around his throat.

Yet, strangely, deep in his subconscious, this scene felt utterly familiar.

​Hauntingly familiar.

​Nunew collapsed onto his bed after a sudden bout of lightheadedness, his ears still catching the persistent ring of a phone echoing from somewhere in the house. Physiological tears spilled from his eyes, devoid of clear emotion. He was waiting for the fragmented images of his recent dream to dissolve.

​A moment later, the ringing stopped, and Nunew sluggishly sat up. He stared blankly into the void, seemingly unable to escape that humiliating dream. His hands unconsciously crumpled the familiar blanket in the darkness.

​"Is he calling again?"

​A voice, neither loud nor soft, drifted from the hallway, just in time to banish the lingering illusions within Nunew. He ruffled his hair in frustration, forcing himself to eavesdrop on the conversation outside.

​"Yes. The tenth call."

​It took a moment for Nunew to realize the voices belonged to his parents. He leaned his back against the headboard, his expression weary.

​"Why does he keep calling? Aoftion called too. Could it be..."

​His mother’s voice was softer than usual, but she couldn't hide her anxiety.

​"I don’t know, but even if they recognize Nunew, so what?" His father asked sternly.

"Tee is right. As long as we deny it, what can they do?"

​Nunew’s breath hitched. He had never heard his father speak with such a tone. In his memory, his father was a man of few words, always gentle with him.

​"When our Nunew was framed by that Kannika woman, where were they?"

​That was the last sentence Nunew heard before the sound of frustrated footsteps faded into the distance.

​Left in the silent darkness, Nunew stared at his ten fingers clutching the wrinkled blanket. He quietly let go, slowly crossing his arms so his palms pressed against his shoulders. A sigh of relief escaped his heart.

​Nunew was hugging himself.

​For some reason, lately, alongside the dreams, Nunew had begun to miss Melbourne. His Melbourne was P’Ponn, the smell of hospital disinfectant, the Thai nurse, the sunlight streaming through the window bars... and the sudden breeze on the rooftop.

​Nunew closed his eyes and squeezed his arms tight, as if returning to his final days at the hospital in Melbourne. On that rooftop, with the warm sun and the dry breeze—that was the first time he had felt the vastness of the sky. He remembered P’Ponn holding his freezing hand tight, but he had been too captivated by the soaring heights to pay any mind.

​The taste of freedom—it was truly overwhelming.

​Nunew laughed through his tears, his body and soul buried in memories. Soon, the once-silent room was filled with the broken sounds of its owner.

If he could turn back time to that day, there was one question Nunew truly wanted to ask P’Ponn.

​What does it feel like to soar in that sky?

​However, Nunew understood that some questions weren't meant to find answers. His was one of them.

​Nunew’s mind drifted like a balloon among the clouds for many days. Even when he was unaware, the family atmosphere had quietly settled. Moreover, Por, Mae, and P’Tee noticed his face growing visibly haggard, contrasting with his calm, constant smiles.

​By the time Nunew became aware of it, his family's eyes were clouded with worry and guilt. He offered a faint smile and gave each of them a gentle hug. Everything is fine, he murmured, unsure if he was speaking to them or hypnotizing himself.

​One cannot deny that, sometimes, lies are quite beautiful.

​Nunew waved goodbye to his parents at the gate of Wat Suthat, showing no sign of anything unusual. His empty eyes were well-hidden behind the permanent grin on his face. Only when the familiar car disappeared into the distance did the flawless, bright facade begin to crumble, bit by bit.

​Nunew took a deep breath, carefully put on his mask, and slowly turned to walk through the gates.

It had been a long time since he had been anywhere alone. Or rather, never, if counting from the present. In Melbourne, his health hadn't allowed it; after returning, it was his mental state. The family still feared he would suffer a breakdown like the one at Siam Paragon, especially Tee.

​It took Nunew a while for his body to learn how to adapt all over again—to the environment, to crowds, and to the endless dreams. Honestly, the process wasn't easy, but for Nunew, it had some effect. For instance, his hands had stopped trembling, and so had his inner self.

​The entire grounds of Wat Suthat were paved with polished marble, reminding Nunew of a nameless, somber place. A place with the silhouette of a beautiful woman like a thorny flower, the face of a man he once knew so well it hurt, and countless stranger's eyes that made his heart ache... He bowed his head to observe the patterns of the marble beneath his feet, feeling utterly exhausted.

​Nunew was a blur among the tourists; no one even noticed his presence. He quietly watched the crowd, each person with their own expression and activity, and then simply kept walking. He was different from them; he hadn't come here to sightsee.

​Passing by the hundreds of Buddha statues outside the chapel walls that countless tourists were admiring, Nunew silently entered the main hall of Wat Suthat. He looked up at the magnificent gilded Buddha statue seated before him, his body swaying as if about to fall. Fortunately, the few devotees praying inside paid him no mind.

​Nunew chose a secluded corner in the hall to kneel, quietly removing his mask and pressing his hands together. His hollow eyes closed slightly, a mournful plea turning into a tear on his lashes.

​May my family have long lives.

​Nunew bowed once before the Buddha, a silent apology he could never voice. His parents should never have given birth to him. If they hadn't, perhaps everyone would be at peace; his parents wouldn't have to worry, and P’Tee wouldn't have to carry such a heavy burden.

​May those from the past be safe.

​Nunew bowed a second time, wishing happiness for everyone who had ever appeared in his life. Regardless of their relationship, he truly hoped they could be happy and at peace. To be happy in his stead.

​May these karmic ties be severed.

​Nunew bowed for the final time, pleading with the Buddha to cut the ties of this lifetime. He was willing to accept any pain, as long as his heart never had to flutter again. Let him live in this vague haze for the rest of his life.

​Rrr... Rrr... Rrr...

​The phone in his pocket vibrated incessantly, waking Nunew from his stream of emotions. He quickly stood to leave the main hall, one hand opening the phone while the other hurried to wipe his tears. He tried to steady his breathing before answering.

​"It’s me, P’Tee."

​Nunew’s voice was still a bit thick, but not overtly so. Still, the other end was silent for a moment before replying.

​"I’m almost at the temple. When you’re done, just meet me at the front gate."

​Nunew softly said yes and hung up. His mood wasn't entirely stable yet, and he didn't want P’Tee to see him in this state at all.

​Exhausted, Nunew sat on the closed toilet lid in a locked bathroom stall. His eyes were red from uncontrollable crying. It felt as though he and the world outside were two completely separate universes.

​He sat in that suffocating stall for a long while. Once he felt steady enough to step out, he moved to turn the lock, only to be startled by the sound of footsteps and a voice that made him pull his hand back in terror.

​"How is the investigation on P'Net’s side going?"

​Nunew’s eyes widened in horror, and he instinctively clamped his hand over his own mouth. His breathing was faint yet chaotic.

​In the end, Nunew still had to face the people he wanted to meet least.