Chapter 7

Nunew felt as if he had been in a very long sleep. Or perhaps, it was simply that he hadn't slept well in a long time.

​Sometimes, Nunew missed his time in the hospital. Back then, he didn't have to struggle with every bout of sleep. As long as he laid his back down, he would fall into a deep slumber, almost comatose, especially on the days of electroconvulsive therapy. He vaguely remembered how his brief windows of consciousness each day used to give P’Ponn and the Thai nurse such a headache. Now, he only wished he could return to that time.

​To a time when the nightmares of the past had not yet found him.

​To be fair, Nunew didn't always dream of bleak memories. He had once glimpsed images of a bashful Nunew smiling beside a co-star to whom he had secretly lost his heart. He had witnessed that boy, Nunew, feeling profoundly content after his sweet first kiss with the person he liked, even if it was only an on-screen kiss. He had seen the sparkling eyes on that innocent face whenever he looked toward that man.

​A happiness too great to hide.

​But all of that was still just a dream.

​"Has he not woken up yet?'"

​Nunew slowly drifted awake to a distant voice. Exhaustion wouldn't allow him to move, let alone open his eyes.

​"No." The curt response from a familiar voice instantly put Nunew’s mind at ease.

​Moreover, Nunew found himself slightly intrigued by his brother’s cold tone. He had never heard P’Tee speak like that before. Tee was very much like his father—the quintessential 'man of few words, many actions' type who had never once raised his voice at him. This icy, distant tone was quite a novelty.

​"P’Tee and Nunew haven't had dinner yet, right? We’re about to order takeout; is there anything you’d like?" The owner of the voice remained perfectly affable, seemingly unfazed by Tee’s attitude.

​Whether by accident or design, the young man added one more thing:

​"If Nunew wakes up, he’ll need to eat something, won't he?"

​The result, when Nunew cracked his eyes open, was the sight of P’Tee quietly standing up and following the man's back out of the room, leaving the door slightly ajar.

​Nunew opened his eyes fully in the dead silence. If not for the sound of dripping water nearby or the thumping of the heart in his chest, he would have thought the previous scene was just a hallucination. Lately, Nunew was quite poor at distinguishing between reality and illusion, especially when he had to face vivid memories through his dreams every night.

​He stared vacantly at the ceiling for a long while before turning his head to look down. His left arm, which was little more than skin and bones, was pierced by a needle. That cold needle was connected to a bag of fluid hanging right next to his bed. Now he knew where that dripping sound came from.

​Nunew draped his other arm over his forehead, just enough to block the light from his eyes. So much messy humiliation finally dissolved into a helpless sigh.

​He was lying tucked away on a sofa in the DMD office, with an IV in his arm and zero possibility of escape.

​Nunew wondered what he would do if he had to meet those people. With what mindset would they treat him? Politeness? Pity?

​A cold sensation spread through his veins, making his skin crawl. Or would it be like that day? Everyone looking at him with suspicious eyes, replacing answers with a resigned silence?

​It’s okay, Nunew offered himself a hollow, cliché comfort.

​How can a person collapse when they have nothing left to lose?

​"Jelly is awake!"

​Nunew startled at the joyful exclamation. Despite a moment of panic and hesitation, he finally lowered the arm blocking his vision.

​"Do you feel better, Jelly? Do you want me to call P’Tee for you?"

​Nunew stared blankly at the once-close colleague before him, forgetting even to react. After nearly two years apart, the innocent features in his memory had been replaced by an invisible layer of maturity. Even though it was the same eyes, the same tone, and the name 'Jelly' etched into his subconscious, everything felt so surreal.

​When no response came from Nunew, the young man gradually grew awkward. The atmosphere turned subtle for a moment before being eroded by silence.

​"I feel better now."

​After a long silence, Nunew finally chose to speak, accompanied by his signature smile.

​"Please call P’Tee for me, Khun Nat. Thank you very much."

​Nunew could feel something fracture in the expression of the person opposite him—and within his own chest. He lowered his gaze slightly, his lips maintaining a calm, steady smile. He wouldn't let the other person find out.

​"Jelly..."

​Nat opened his mouth as if to say more, but ultimately could only press his lips together. The boy walked out sadly, his mind a tangled mess.

​Left alone in the large, once-familiar guest room, Nunew instinctively thought of many things. The conversation between Net and James in the restroom. The endless calls from Zee and Aof. The familiar voice of the young man who had advised P’Tee. And Nat’s eyes before he left.

​Nunew covered his face with his hands; for some reason, he felt wretched.

​The bridge of his nose burned with bitterness. He didn't want to admit it at all, but he was becoming increasingly ugly and rotten, from his appearance to his soul. His marrow was slowly decaying from lies, envy, and resentment. His flesh suffered too much from trying to hide this filth.

​Nunew truly loathed the 'him' of the past. From the eyes sparkling with hope to the mouth radiant with smiles. Every time he caught a glimpse of his glamorous self in a dream, he felt he had no face left to confront his humiliating reality.

​Call it misplaced anger if you will, but the moment he saw Nat, his insecurity was so great he nearly took all his resentment out on him. He just couldn't understand. Why could Nat still be happy and casually call him 'Jelly' as if nothing had happened? Did Nat know he was struggling between agony and a longing for death every day?

​Nunew hated the DMD brothers, especially that man named Zee. He hated them for hurting him, and for the fact that they could still live well now, as if his pain wasn't worth their remorse. He hated Zee for giving him an illusion, only for him to be shamed within the very dream-like love he had nurtured. But who could he blame?

​Nunew could only blame himself for giving them that chance.

​Who can hurt you if you don't allow it?

​He couldn't help but wander: Perhaps this is his true nature?

​At the moment he woke up in that hospital bed in Melbourne, he should have understood: the 'good artist boy' of the past was dead.

​"Nunew is crying again."

​The hand covering his swollen eyes was pulled away. Before Nunew could even process it, a warm, damp towel was placed over his eyes.

​"P’Tee..." Nunew whispered.

​Nunew instinctively clung to the hand of the person applying the warm compress.

"Why are we here?"

​The warmth from the towel made his eyes feel a bit better, but only a bit. If Tee were to hold his hand now, he would understand the coldness beneath this fragile skin. It was a coldness that was bit by bit gnawing away at his desire to live.

​Nunew didn't want the next person he loathed to be P’Tee.

​A weary sigh was clear in the quiet room. Tee allowed Nunew to hold his arm, while his other hand ran through his brother's hair, soothing him gently. To the naked eye, Nunew's entire body was stiff with terror.

​"You fainted at the temple because of physical exhaustion," Tee intentionally slowed his speech so Nunew could follow.

"I wanted to take you home or to the hospital for an IV."

​Nunew tried to regulate his breathing, the grip on his brother’s arm gradually loosening.

​"But it was too far to go home, and the nearest hospital couldn't guarantee privacy."

​If he had a choice, Tee wouldn't have brought Nunew to the DMD office either. Back then, that Zee Pruk had shouted his brother’s name in public and chased after him so frantically, attracting so many eyes. Fortunately, someone in the DMD group had enough sense left to quickly distract the crowd. Tee only had time to carry his brother into the car before the boy could fall into someone else's lens. Ironically, in that situation, the most optimal place was the DMD office.

​Tee could only set aside his own discomfort and bring him here. Although Tee wasn't Nunew and didn't know what these colleagues had done to his brother, seeing Nunew flee from that man named Zee at Wat Suthat with all his strength, he knew his brother wouldn't want to wake up in a place like this. If not for the urgent situation and one or two people at DMD he still tentatively trusted, he wouldn't have wanted Nunew in this position for the life of him.

​Tee thought of that man’s frantic state as he recklessly chased his brother and dragged Aof into a meeting to find ways to cover every trace of Nunew on social media, and found it laughable. The sad expression on that boy named Nat when he told him Nunew was awake was the same.

​Once the wound has been inflicted, why act remorseful now?