Chapter 9

"Nunew attempted suicide with sleeping pills, but he didn't succeed."

​Nunew silently pushed the warm towel off his eyes, his mood strangely indifferent. The moment the warmth enveloping his palm vanished, he had woken up.

​"He had to go to Australia for a year of psychological therapy." The boy instinctively turned his gaze toward the sound coming from the ajar door.

"Do you know what the only effective treatment for him was back then?"

​Nunew pulled the blanket up listlessly, his entire body curling into a ball of trembling helplessness. He could feel every cell deep within him waiting for something. What do I even have left to wait for? he wondered. Suddenly, a mocking curve flickered on his pale lips. Pain, perhaps?

​"It was shock therapy." His frail frame flinched instinctively—whether out of fear or a twisted sort of excitement, he couldn't tell.

​Lying slumped under the covers, Nunew’s mind was blown back to that familiar, sterile treatment room. Wires around his body, the haze of anesthesia, the electric current surging down his spine. It sounded morbid, yet he felt a hint of nostalgia for that numbing, agonizing sensation.

​Nunew chuckled at his own strangeness. He would never tell Tee that what he said was only half the truth. Shock therapy wasn't the only option then; it was the only one he wanted. Nunew gripped the blanket tight; he had chosen shock therapy specifically for its side effects.

​"And one of the side effects of shock therapy is memory loss."

​Every word P’Tee uttered was harsh, yet for some reason, they sounded exquisitely sweet to Nu’s ears.

​"Khun Zee, have you still not realized the problem?" The boy could almost hear the scoff in his brother's voice.

"My brother is about to escape the trauma of the past."

​Tee paused, then emphasized each syllable slowly.
​
"He doesn't need to see the people who hurt him ever again."

​I must be hallucinating again, Nunew thought. Otherwise, why did he feel a sensation like a light feather brushing against his scar-riddled heart?

​So gentle it was soul-stirring.

​Nunew took a deep breath, savoring the faint glimmer of warmth spreading through his body. Then, he slowly pushed himself up with every ounce of strength he possessed. He waited for the dizziness to pass, hesitated for a moment, and finally opened his mouth, despite his subconscious screaming at him to stop.

​Some things must be ended by his own hand.

​"P’Tee, I want to meet them."

​Nunew himself was vague about the word 'them' on the tip of his tongue. There were too many 'thems' in his memory, each so distant he once thought they were ghosts left behind by the shock therapy. Nunew lowered his eyes; if he could, he wished 'them' really were just products of his imagination.

​Screech...

​The sound of the door rubbing against the floor woke Nunew from his stray thoughts. He looked up, and before him stood the man he had once loved with all his heart.

​Nunew narrowed his eyes slightly, as if to confirm the familiar silhouette, then offered a sweet, radiant smile.

​"Hi, Hia."

Ignoring the stunned look in the other man’s eyes, he continued, "I used to call P'Zee that, didn't I?"

​Nunew masked every internal upheaval with an expression as innocent as possible. He looked into Zee’s eyes, his mind wandering uncontrollably: When he hears this "Hia" from my mouth, does he feel even a ripple of emotion? He hoped so, even if that ripple was as tiny as sea foam.

​Otherwise, how could Nunew justify his own foolish past?

​Zee stood frozen before that once-pure smile; he was completely unprepared for this. He could only nod mechanically in response, silently and intently observing every detail of the frail boy before him. Finally, Zee understood the weight behind Tee’s words.

​"He doesn't need to see the people who hurt him ever again."

​In an instant, the chaotic scene at Wat Suthat from earlier flashed through Zee’s mind. Amidst the bustling crowd, Nunew’s presence had been incredibly faint. If he hadn't heard that instinctive 'Hia' slip from the boy's throat, if the boy hadn't fled so frantically, he might have truly walked past him without a second glance. How could he have guessed that eyes once so sparkling—as if they held an entire galaxy—could turn into... this?

​So grey that Zee feared their owner's soul had been stolen.

​"Do I look that ugly?"

​Nunew laughed off Zee’s bewildered expression and tragic gaze. He feigned bowing his head, pointedly avoiding Zee's eyes. Nunew didn't want to pity himself anymore.

​"I'm sorry."

​Zee shifted his gaze awkwardly, seemingly lost on how to behave. The same smile. The same soft tone. Yet, the boy's haggard appearance forced him to admit the one thing he didn't want to: the Nunew of the past was gone.

​And he was the one who had turned him into this.

​"It’s nothing, Hia. I know you didn't mean anything by it." Even though it constantly hurts us both.

​Nunew accepted the apology calmly, his natural attitude leaving Zee in a state of confusion. He vaguely sensed that behind that empathy lay a mist he could neither decipher nor cross. Perhaps he was overthinking, but he had a feeling...

​Nunew’s inner world no longer welcomed him.

​Zee panicked at the very thought.

​"Nu..."

Zee wanted to say something to dispel the intrusive thoughts, but ultimately his mouth stayed shut.

​For the first time, Zee understood the feeling of utter powerlessness.

Though countless words hung on the tip of his tongue, the only result was silence.

​"You know, Hia, the first time I heard about you since having my memories was on the plane."

​Nunew caught every bit of Zee’s awkwardness. But he didn't care; he didn't want to care.

​"There were two girls sitting in the row behind me, talking about you the whole time." Nunew tried to use the flattest tone possible.

"You probably won't believe it, but when I heard your name, my heart felt like it stopped beating."

​Nunew looked down at his skin-and-bone hands, smiling helplessly. He still couldn't forget that feeling. That was the first time he realized his body knew how to tremble and his heart knew how to ache. Specifically, because of a single name.

​"To be honest, I didn't even know who Hia was then." Nunew gently rubbed his hands together.

"But for some reason, I just kept thinking..."

​Nunew slowly raised his eyes, his gaze piercing the man's soul.

​"In the end... who were you in my life, Hia?"

​Nunew ’s breath and voice trembled slightly. Despite the smile on his lips, Zee could hear a sob buried somewhere within, and a faint scent began to fill the air.

​"Why is it that every time you're mentioned, I'm both happy and in agony?"

​Contrary to his calm facade, beneath the blanket, Nunew’s nails dug deep into his flesh. As if physical pain could drown out the surging resentment in his chest.

​"Why must I dream of you every single night?"

​His eyes, swollen from crying and lack of sleep, had finally run dry. It was as if Nunew could see the man who gave him exceptions and tenderness in his nightly dreams reflected in the person before him. Unfortunately, he smiled self-deprecatingly; it was all a lie.

​"Why did you say you loved me, only to not believe in me in the end?"

​The question that had torn Nunew apart for so long finally erupted from his throat. Instantly, both froze, staring at each other.

​Nunew seemed to snap out of his outburst. His body shook violently under Zee’s shocked gaze; he instinctively fumbled for the blanket, intending to hide his current state of utter humiliation.

​However, Nunew ’s speed was no match for this terrifying man.

​"Nu, don't hide. Your hands are bleeding."

​Zee rushed forward to grip the blanket, refusing to let Nunew retreat. He had smelled something metallic in the room earlier but hadn't been sure. Only when the boy pulled his hands from the covers did he know for certain where it came from.

​Nunew’s tiny, pale palms were oozing blood. And his fingernails were stained a bright red.

​Despite Nunew’s constant struggling to snatch the blanket back, Zee adamantly refused to let go. He wasn't a medical professional, so he didn't know how deep the wounds were. Worse, he realized these injuries were self-inflicted. He didn't dare think of the boy's mental state if left alone under the covers—would he hurt himself again?

​Zee didn't want Nunew to suffer anymore.

​Blood began to smear in one or two streaks across the blanket, yet they remained in a deadlock. When Zee's patience reached its limit, a lost-control scream shattered the air, leaving him petrified.

​"GET OUT!"

​It seemed Zee finally understood a truth he should have known long ago.

​Perhaps true pain really does know how to erode a person's kindness.