Chapter 15

It was the first time I went to Doctor Boseman's office on my own.

I felt like a grown up for a second, something I rarely did. I usually felt like a child that needed constant supervision, so the fact that I was going on my own was an interesting change. Maybe this was also another beginning of getting my life together, doing things by myself.

As always, my psychiatrist was in a cheery mood when I stepped in his office. It was also strange that this room was starting to feel familiar.

"So, how are you doing this week Blake?" he asked me after we both sat down.

"Really good, which I assume isn't that surprising to you," I replied with a small smile.

He chuckled. "No, no, don't say it like that. It's always a great thing that you have good moments, regardless of whether or not it's predictable. Don't downplay feeling good."

"Alright," I nodded, my hands clasped on my knees for some reason. I noticed it, and opened them, resting them beside me on my seat, "Well, I'm good."

"That's great Blake. Anything in particular you want to talk about? Sometimes it's good to try to remember specific moments that made you happy, so you can think back on them when times aren't as good."

I felt like telling Doctor Boseman that my girlfriend had flashed me this morning wasn't the kind of answer he was looking for.

"I hung out with my girlfriend and her brother and my best friend the other evening and it was really nice. It felt like I was with family even if none of them are related to me."

"You have really good friends," he remarked, nodding.

"I know. I'm really lucky to have them. I think I took them for granted before. Especially Josh. I hope that regardless of what happens in my future I don't ever take him for granted again. I want to be there for him the way he was for me."

Josh deserved the whole world and more. I was going to be a better little brother for him and a better best friend. It was the least he deserved.

"That's great. You know, when people feel depress a lot of their thoughts become hyper focus on themselves. They'll be talking in I and me a lot. And that's normal because you're hurt so for your own preservation you hyperfocus on yourself. But if you start thinking about people around you, it helps you get out of your head and realize there's more happening than just the bad thoughts. It gives you a kind of perspective," he explained.

It made sense when he put it like that.

"I can see that. I know that when I thought about the way I was hurting people around me because of how I felt it helped me seek help."

"And that was a big step to take." I didn't add anything to that. It did still feel like I was a little weak for needing so much help, but I didn't want to admit that out loud because I knew it was wrong, so I just nodded along. "And how's the medication? Are you still feeling okay?" Doctor Boseman continued.

I was ready for that question. I knew there was something I wanted to talk about that. But now that he was asking, it felt like a very wrong thing to ask, like, please can I stop medication so I can be a horn dog at the detriment of my mental health. You see I want to walk around with a perpetual boner because I'm so attracted to my girlfriend and right now I'm not having it.

Also, it was kind of weird to talk about this with... well anyone really. Regardless of the reputation I had, I rarely actually talked about any of my conquests. I made a lot of innuendo jokes, but I wasn't actually talking about real things.

This was real. And it concerned my girlfriend, and our relationship.

And Lexi mattered so I didn't want to have this conversation feel cheap.

"So... this feels kind of weird to ask... but hmm... well I've been feeling a little bit different when it comes to... well with my girlfriend..."

Luckily, Doctor Boseman saved me and guessed where I was going with that mess of a sentence. "The medication is affecting your sexual drive?"

I had a hard time looking in his eyes saying this, but I still forced myself to do it. I wasn't asking anything that weird. "Yeah, I think so. I mean our relationship is super new, and I've never felt what I feel for Lexi for anyone before, so I shouldn't be comparing the way my body reacted before and how it reacts now. But, I did make out with her before the medication and... I remember feeling differently."

Doctor Boseman just nodded, with no judgement in his eyes. "This is actually a common side effect. I don't want this to ultimately discourage you from taking your medication in the long run, so I'll change your prescription a bit, and we'll see how your body reacts. Also, I do think that you're back in a mental place that's a little bit more manageable. It doesn't mean I think you should suddenly stop taking your medication because you're feeling better. From what I've observed you have bipolar disorder, so your lows will be insanely low and your highs insanely high. The medication helps to keep you in the middle. But you're used to highs being very all consuming. So it's normal that things feel different now."

I nodded. All of this made sense. "And look, I don't think it's a bad thing either. Honestly, I'm not ready to be super physical with Lexi right now. I think it's too soon, and I think we need to take things slow. So, it's not an actual issue, but I did want to talk to you about it because it does bother me."

It was kind of strange to admit this out loud, but it was the truth. Sure, I wanted to make out with Lexi and see her breasts again, but like for more than two seconds. I wanted to see all of her and... well, I also wasn't ready to actually have full on sex with her.

That didn't mean I didn't want to feel wildly physically attracted to her.

"And that's a good thing. I'm not here to fix everything. I'm here to listen to you. You've been doing the fixing Blake," Doctor Boseman said.

I chuckled. "Me and the pills."

"It's still you," he said, in a kind tone, "Think of your medication as something more akin to vitamins helping your system. They're just helping balance what's going on in your head. But it's still all you. You took the steps to get help and you're still making the efforts for your life to feel like your own."

"I have a hard time giving myself credit, I think. But I'm working on it."

He smiled. "That's good. And as I've told you before, I never actually expected for you to be all perfect instantly. I know it's a work in progress. And I know mental health is always something you'll have to deal with. I just want to give you the right tools to help you."

It was true that these sessions were feeling more and more like a course to learn how to deal with my head. It was insightful.

"You know, I often think about things we should be talking about during our sessions. I'm actually going to start writing them down because I end up forgetting it."

Doctor Boseman chuckled. "That's good. It'll also help you keep track of things that bother you. Maybe you'll notice that with time some of these things aren't necessarily problems anymore, or are manageable on your own."

"Yeah, I guess that if I don't think about these things now it's because they weren't that important."

I remembered joking about the manhandling. I didn't think I actually needed to talk about it with Doctor Boseman. It wasn't an actual problem.

But I knew I'd thought about other things. And now I couldn't recall them for the life of me.

Maybe I also had memory issues. Maybe that had something to do with the messed-up head because of AVM though.

"It's not that they weren't important. It's that you were able to deal with them. Which is what I want you to do. I want you to be able to go through the steps we got though in here on your own. I want you to be able to manage things on your own, to basically do what we do in these sessions as a reflex. I want you to be kind and understanding to yourself. The same way you would be with a friend of yours. Treat yourself the way you would treat Josh if he came up to you and told you all the things you think about yourself."

These were things that made sense when he was saying them now, but they were harder to actually accept when they were happening.

I was quick to be mean with myself and be disappointed with myself. I knew this.

But now that I knew this, I also knew that I needed to correct it.

Admitting you had a problem was half of the solution.

So now, I was more than half way there. 

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Happy Monday my little Pumpkins! <3

I hope everyone is doing great! And I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know some of you enjoy Dr Boseman's sessions, and I know I always love writing them. It actually helps me get even more insight into Blake's head. It's weird because sometimes I'll write Blake doing something and I don't really think about why. And then I do these chapters with Dr Boseman, or I just try to analyse Blake a little more and it suddenly makes sense why I made him do that. Like, there's an actual reason. That's really the wildest part of writing for me. When my characters do something logical that fits with their character without me even realizing it. 

Anyway. In other news I broke into a cemetery yesterday night. I felt like Blake. XD For my mother the worst part of a funeral is when they put the person in the ground. She doesn't want them to be left there in the cold. For me it's the moment you walk into the funeral home, or wherever they keep the ashes or the body for the first time and then it's suddenly real. Before that you can kind of ignore it. I guess that's where I'm more selfish than my mom. 

I keep thinking I need to write my family's story. There's not a lot of us left now. I hate that part too. Losing all these memories. All these stories. I wish everyone kept diaries so all the stories would never die, and no one's voice would disappear. That's the story teller in me talking.

Well, I should go sleep now. I am exhausted. XD

See you guys next well! I love you all! <3